Friday, 31 December 2010

Too Bad The Things That Make You Mad Are My Favourite Things

As you know, I love everything in the world, with the exception of three things. Here are some things that I have loved in 2010.

In a few hours we will wave goodbye to the year 2010, like waving goodbye to a friend you don't really like. You hope they'll be hit by a car on their way home, but no, they'll be back. 2010 will be back. As 2011. So here is my Review Of The Year, my favourite things from the year that brought us a Tory Prime Minister. Like the friend you don't really like coming into your home and taking a shit on your floor. A smug, Etonian shit. David Cameron is a smug, Etonian shit.


My favourite film this year was Inception. Except it really fucking wasn't. It was Four Lions. It was satirical and hilarious and clever, just as I've come to expect from writers Chris Morris, Jesse Armstrong, Sam Bain and Simon Blackwell.

Another great film of 2010 was Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, the perfect vehicle for Edgar Wright's unique comic-book style. Also, The Social Network was fantastic, due to Jesse Eisenberg's performance, Aaron Sorkin's screenplay and David Fincher's direction. Did I mention he directed Fight Club?

TV Comedy (UK)

The Trip was probably my favourite British comedy series this year, thanks to the playful, often painful, relationship between Rob Brydon and Steve Coogan. Coogan in particular was brilliant, constantly showing a subtle tragic undertone.

This was also present in the new web episodes of Alan Partridge, which featured the amazing Tim Key. Other UK comedy shows of 2010 worth mentioning include Him & Her, wonderfully written by Stefan Golaszewski from Cowards, and of course Peep Show which just keeps getting better.

TV Comedy (US)

Another show that just keeps getting better is 30 Rock, the new season of which cements it as my favourite US comedy of all time. The characters are perfect, the writing is perfect and the acting is perfect.

How I Met Your Mother continues to have its moments, but has definitely fallen in quality. It is still worth watching though, if just for Barney Stinson, one of the best comedy characters ever.

TV Drama

My favourite drama of 2010 was Shane Meadows' This Is England '86. Frighteningly realistic and gritty, the series featured some of the best acting and dialogue British TV has seen. It showed the BBC that yes, it was actually possible to make dramas without Gina McKee. You just use actors instead!

And the BBC responded brilliantly, with Jimmy McGovern's Accused. Accused was superbly made, with some amazing performances from Andy Serkis, Marc Warren and Mackenzie Crook.

I would talk about US drama too, like Dexter and Mad Men, but I've only seen the first two seasons of each, none from 2010. But both those shows are incredible.


The best album of the year was Live. Breathe. Build. Believe. by The Skints. Its reggae, but edgier, and more complex than most of the genre. Every track is unbelievably good, and moves seamlessly from gentle and chilled-out to growling and angry, all the time retaining beautiful vocal harmonies and some of the best drumming I've ever heard. The Skints were also the best live band I saw all year, possibly ever.

This year I was also lucky enough to see Jamiroquai live, whose 2010 album Rock Dust Light Star saw a return to brilliant form for the funk legends. The title track ranks among the band's very best. It seems this year the key to a good album was a list of four words as the title.


I saw a lot of comedy this year. A lot. So it's hard to pick a favourite live show, but I think mine was Tiernan Douieb's Littlest Things. It was warm and charming, and Tiernan Douieb is absolutely loveable, and most of all, extremely funny.

Other amazing comedy of 2010 included Richard Herring, Robin Ince, Josie Long, Stewart Lee, Tim Key, Andrew Collins, Mark Watson, The Penny Dreadfuls, Lee Mack, Gary Delaney and Tim Vine. Tim Vine's joke book is of course fantastic, as is Richard Herring's 2010 book How Not To Grow Up! which was genuinely moving, as well as being insightful and hilarious.

2010 also included All Day Edinburgh, an eight hour long benefit gig for Shelter, ran by Michael Legge, who is a genius. And believe me, I use that word all the time. It included some incredible acts, such as Colin Hoult, Chris Addison (from off the tele!) and The Trap, who I'd wanted to see for ages, thanks to their podcast, and they did not disappoint!

The Trap Sodcast continued to be hilarious in 2010, as did Precious Little Podcast and of course Collings and Herrin. I also began listening to The Gentleman's Review podcast this year, and I'm now hooked.

So that's my Review Of The Year! See, there was loads of great stuff in 2010. Inside TVs and the internet. And underneath pubs. This blog entry is named after the Incubus song Favorite Things, but that didn't come out this year, so instead I'll leave you with the song that this entire blog is named after, Mindless by The Skints. Did I mention that they're amazing? Enjoy.

Monday, 6 December 2010

Would You Like Lemon Or Lime With That Piece Of Advice Mister?

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is the ambiguity surrounding new institutionalism in political science.

But enough of that now, instead let's play: Agony Aunt To The Stars! I will be offering advice to some famous people, some of them fictional, by answering their letters! Also, apologies if I get some of the locations wrong. Let's crack on with our first letter!

>Jack Bauer
>Bristol, UK

Right now, terrorists are plotting to assassinate a Presidential candidate, my wife and daughter have been targeted, and people that I work with may be involved in both. I'm federal agent Jack Bauer, and today is the longest day of my life.

Well Jack, we've all felt that way at times! You're clearly working too hard, all that stress will be the death of you, hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Just relax, take some time for you. Some hard-earned Jack-time. Let other people do things for you for a change. Just slow down. Maybe have a nice, long, warm, relaxing bath.

>Rocky Balboa



>Mel Gibson

I hate Jews!

You also hate black people!

>That boring cunt from Inception
>France, France

The moment's passed. Whatever I do I can't change this moment. I'm about to call out to them. They run away. If I'm ever going to see their faces I've gotta get back home. The real world.

No one cares.

So thanks for playing Agony Aunt To The Stars! Leave any letters from famous people as comments! The title of this blog is from the song Untutored Youth by The Hives. I'll leave you with their best video, Two Timing Touch And Broken Bones. Enjoy!

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Club Nowhere

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is night clubs.

But instead of whinging about why clubbing is awful, I will be constructive, and offer some advice on how to make clubbing more fun.

I got a phone call from myself the other day, which went something like -

Who is this?
Its you
Yes, you're phoning yourself
How does that work?
Its a new app
Of course it is. What do you want?
I have a suggestion for your blog
The people are gone. They're all gone
...Well can I leave a message?
I hate you
I'll take that as a yes. The thing is, I hate night clubs-
Stop talking
-and I thought you could suggest some advice on making clubbing more fun
You're wasting your life
I'm not joking. Your death would bring an abundance of happiness to the world
I don't get that one
Is this phonecall being charged to me or you?
We're the same person
So, its a free O2 to O2 call then
So anyway, if you could do that for your next blog that'd be great
Leave me alone
Okay I better go anyway, byebye!
Don't go, you're all I have

...So here's the advice!!! My 3 tips on how to make night clubs more fun. (Or less of a soul-destroying box of emptiness.)

3. There are smoke-machines in night clubs. I like to stand near them and when they produce smoke, I pretend to suffocate and pass out. Its just for me. Try it! Do it every time smoke shoots out, it'll be funny every time. If you're feeling super committed, physically collapse onto the floor and lie still.

2. DJs are cunts aren't they? Last night I was in a club called Embrace, and at one point the DJ said "Embrace is on fire!" DJs do this a lot. Obviously I knew what he meant, but when DJs say the club "is on fire!", start screaming and running around panicking. This one's for everyone. If you're feeling super committed, pull a fire alarm.

1. Another thing DJs do is give 'shout-outs' to people, for example, "Shout-out to Laura, its her 19th birthday! Where's Laura?" At which point its hilarious, especially if you are male and clearly not Laura, to shout and wave. (It is also always funny if you are male to do the same when the DJ says "Any single ladies in tonight?") If you're feeling super committed, shout so loudly that you drown out Laura's own screaming. Really ruin that girl's birthday. And don't worry about feeling guilty, Laura is a terrible person. She once typed a Facebook status that had a grand total of 8 exclamation marks. She did then delete 4 of them before posting it, but if you think this makes her any less of a cunt then you are a far more forgiving person than myself.

So there are my 3 tips for making clubbing fun. Alternatively, stay at home.

This blog is named after a Blue Man Group song, so I'll leave you with a video of them, a different one to last time. This is them performing Drumbone. Enjoy!

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Choking On A Piece Of Meat

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is being a vegetarian.

I've been a vegetarian for a month now, and I've come across three annoying things about it. I know some hardcore veggies will be reading this and thinking, "hah, only a month?! I've been meat-free since the womb. Try only bathing in lentils." So I don't mean to sound like I'm whining, I've just noticed these annoying things about being a vegetarian.

Firstly, there is so little choice for vegetarians. If I want to just grab a sandwich from a newsagent, I have to plough through hundreds of sandwiches all called things like "meat feast" and "meat lovers" and "prepare to meat your gator" and "BLT" and "BLTCRMCMLOMAB" before finally finding one called "cheese." Only to discover it went out of date in 1987. That's pretty much all thats left sandwich-wise, cheese. Luckily I like cheese, but if I didn't I'd have starved to death. I have a new found admiration for vegans. Here I am complaining about how little I can eat, when they have to forage in the woods to survive. Ethically-produced hats off to them.

Secondly, I am now paranoid about what I can and cannot eat. Every bite I take is laden with fear that there's some trace of meat in whatever I'm eating. Even if it says Suitable For Vegetarians on it, I still distrust it, as if that labels been stuck there by an evil farmer. What if there's meat in this glass of water? Or in this soya bean? Or in this bacon sandwich?

Finally, the stigma. I'm scared to tell people, it's like "coming out." In fact, I'm sure the response of most of my friends will be, "are you gay or something?"

Well I must stop typing now, my skinny vegetarian arms are aching (Yes they were skinny when I ate meat, I know), so I'll leave you with the song this blog is named after, by the brilliantly funky Poets Of Rhythm. (Except I can't find it on youtube, so here's another of their songs which still sticks to this blog's theme: Ham Gallery. Enjoy!)

Thursday, 4 November 2010

See The Robot Write Up His Name On The Ballot

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is people who voted Republican in the mid-term US elections because they were disappointed by Obama.

I'll explain. As you know, the mid-term elections saw the Republicans take control of the House of Representatives, and the Democrats only just held on to the Senate. Now, a lot of the people who voted Republican did so because that's where they fall ideologically. I'm not going to talk about them. Let's just call them evil, and move on. They are evil. Moving on.

I heard that some people voted Republican because they were disappointed by President Obama. They were so hopeful about healthcare reform, and how radical it would be, that when it finally passed in its watered down form, they were so angry that it wasn't as far reaching as they hoped that they voted Republican in protest. I don't know if anyone did that. I really, really hope no one did.

Anyone who says its Obama's fault that healthcare wasn't as progressive as promised is fucking stupid, but anyone who voted Republican because of this is the cunt of the litter.

In the US, Congress is so powerful, business so powerful, and pharmaceutical companies so powerful that its impressive that Obama managed to pass any kind of healthcare reform bill. The President can't just click his fingers and magically pass any thing he wants. He's not the Prime Minister.

Guess how many Republicans voted in favour of healthcare reform? Did you say 3? Well you're wrong! It's NONE. If you hadn't noticed, they do not like healthcare reform. They are not fans of poor people having access to healthcare. So voting Republican because you don't think the healthcare bill is radical enough is the stupidest fucking thing you can do! Its their fault its not enough! And now Obama won't be able to pass anything progressive at all. And the Republicans will revoke the healthcare bill. And pass their right-wing legislation. Because you thought: I want left-leaning policy, but this left-leaning party isn't left-leaning enough... lets vote for a right-leaning party instead, just as they see a resurgence in conservatism and greed and racism. That'll help.

It's like if the We Love Animals Party was in power, and tried to pass a law that gave everyone a free dog or cat or hamster as a pet. But the opposition, the We Hate Animals Party, refuse to vote for it, so its moderated to just include a dog or a cat, not a hamster, and eventually it passes. Someone who loves animals, especially hamsters, thinks, "I love animals, especially hamsters, I'm annoyed that I can't have a free hamster, I'll vote for the We Hate Animals Party to show my annoyance." And the We Hate Animals Party come to power, and revoke the law so now you can't even have a dog or a cat, then burn all the hamsters in a big pile. And the voter goes "this is an outrage, how can you burn all the hamsters in a big pile?" And the We Hate Animals Party goes "We're called the We Hate Animals Party, the clue is in the name. You voted us in, remember?" And that's what the Tea Party do. They burn hamsters in a big pile. Do not shoot me Tea Party, I retract my comment. They do NOT burn hamsters. Only black people.

So that's the thorny issue of politics tackled! Next week I'll be ending the global problems of poverty, debt and Bono. If you liked this blog, please comment. If you are disappointed that it wasn't as radical as it could have been, please blow up the internet. The title of this blog is a lyric from the song Walk Idiot Walk by one of the greatest bands ever, The Hives. I'll leave you with that song.

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Something I Noticed When The Light Was Just Right

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are five even more of them.

Not really, I don't hate these things, they're just things I've noticed over the last couple of days. Things that have made me go "hmm", to quote C+C Music Factory. This will be a short blog, I'm only writing it due to creative pressure from Simon, and I'm nothing if not a spineless pushover. So here's some things I've noticed.

5. There are "help points" scattered around the university. They look like this:

Very handy, useful for emergencies etc. But they're in such weird places. Like down footpaths. I know late at night a footpath can be dangerous, but if someone's being raped then is this the best precaution? Can they lean over and press the button and say:
"Help, I'm being raped."
"Where are you?"
"Down a footpath."
"We have these help points down all the footpaths, which one is it?"
"The one with the rapist?"
"We can't be sure that the rapist is there all the time, that doesn't help."
"Good point."
"Any distinguishing features?"
"He's quite tall..."
"No I mean of the footpath."
"Oh. Well he's gone now anyway. Thanks for the help! Point."
Or maybe its just there for lonely people who want a late night chat down a footpath. I'm sure they're helpful really, I just wish they'd existed 50 years ago...

4. Talking of rape, on the news yesterday there was a story about a rapist who'd been jailed, and they interviewed his mum, who said something along the lines of: "I don't know why he'd rape someone, after I'd specifically told him all about how I was raped as a child." And he was messed up you say? I'm no psychologist but I think we're getting somewhere.

3. It must be really tough being Future Ted from How I Met Your Mother, having to start everything he says with, "Kids..." It must have got him into some serious trouble.

2. I bought some gum, the kind that comes in a box as opposed to a packet:

And on the top of the box it says (using pictures): "In the car, at home, on the train... Take it anywhere!" Thank you Extra, for allowing me to take my gum where I like! Its so much more convenient than having to sit in isolation to chew. And having to fill out those complicated gum-relocation legal forms. Finally, a solution to the problem of un-transportble, massive, unwieldy packets of gum.

1. Yesterday I saw a woman walk right passed a homeless man asking for change, ignoring him, only to then go straight into Shelter, the shop for the homeless charity. It struck me as quite a funny state of affairs. She should have offered him the excuse.
"Excuse me, can you spare any change?"
"Oh no don't worry, I'm just going to buy something in Shelter now."
"Can't you just give me the money now? Buying something in Shelter won't directly help me."
"It will help all homeless people. I really do want to help homeless people."
"Then why don't you just give the money to me? A homeless person?"
"I also want to buy a scarf."
"I live in the doorway of KFC."
It was like:

So there were 5 things I noticed recently. Please comment with anything you've noticed! Or haven't noticed. Or would like to notice. Anything. Please. I will leave you with the song from which the title of this blog is from, Echo by Incubus.

Sunday, 24 October 2010

Again and Again and Again and Again and Again

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are five more of them.

At the risk of resembling a Cracked article, I'm going to explain the top 5 things in TV shows, and in some cases films, that are so overdone that they need to stop.

A lot of things from film and TV were so overused that they became clich├ęs, for example, the line whispered tearfully by a man to the girl he loves: "I have to let you go", and of course when the protagonist wakes up to discover it was all a dream. Things like that are generally now regarded as hackneyed and are universally avoided. Wait, weren't both of those examples used in Inception? Yes. But that's a blog for another time.

There are over-familiar devices that seemingly should have stopped by now, for example, the hero who doesn't play by the rules but by god he gets results. However this has been allowed to continue due to its successful execution in things like House and 24. Despite the best efforts of almost every Hollywood film.

But the ones I'm on about are more specific, so here, in reverse order, is my list of the top 5 most overused things in TV shows (and sometimes films) that really need to stop.

5. This one is mainly in films, horror films to be precise. You know in horror trailers, just after the name of the film comes up on the screen, ("The Occurrence" or "The Thing That Happened" etc.) the screen goes black, then a scary little girls voice whispers: "They are coming", before something jumps out and there's a scream, then its the end of the trailer? Well that's all overdone, all horror trailers are the same. But specifically, it's that "They are coming" bit. Sometimes its "We are coming" or "They're here" but its always there. It used to be creepy and effective, but now its so predictable that it really needs to stop. Especially because "We are coming" is a hilarious phrase, particularly when said by loads of kids, as in Torchwood: Children Of Earth. Despite that, I quite liked Children Of Earth, but that's mainly because of Peter Capaldi. Anyway, maybe they could replace these hack phrases with something like "We will be with you in 2 to 3 working days." For a film called "THE AMAZON. They're bringing your parcel but they won't specify a time, so you CANNOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. '5 stars' - Radio Times. 'Speedy delivery and very good condition' - Empire."

4. The joke where an old person says something 'outrageous.' It's normally in sitcoms, when maybe two young women are talking about a guy, and one says "he is gorgeous," and the other says "very good looking," and then an old woman says "I wouldn't say no." And there's a shocked pause and then they all laugh. HAHAHAHAHA. She's old, but made a sex joke! That shouldn't be allowed anymore. It's not funny, or shocking, it's just overdone and patronising to old people.

3. Psychiatrist scenes in dramas. Its normally good in comedy, for example that episode of Black Books is ace. But in dramas its normally just a device for externalising a characters' feelings. Good programmes will show a characters' feelings through dialogue and acting, but so many bad shows just cheat by getting a character to lie on a sofa and literally say how they feel. That's handy, no actual acting or proper writing required! It's lazy and used in so many shows, mostly American, when they refer to "seeing a shrink." It's a cop out, a lazy, tired plot device and needs to stop. Having said that, it works in Mad Men. Maybe I haven't thought this one through...

2. Gina McKee. She can fuck off. The BBC insist on putting her in every drama they do, always playing the same character (the anxious mum) who always delivers every line in a way that's as wooden and as empty as a door frame.

1. The line: (Angrily; Shouted; Man to his wife) "I work day and night to put food on this table!" Despite what almost every drama would have you believe, no one has ever, EVER, said that.

So that's the 5 most overdone things in TV shows and sometimes films. The sooner they stop, the sooner the quality of programming will rise. The title of this blog comes from one of my favourite songs of all time, Make It Wit Chu by Queens Of The Stone Age, with which I will leave you.

Monday, 18 October 2010

Funky Runthrough

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are five of them.

I don't have enough to say on one particular issue, so here is the run-down of the five things that have most annoyed me since I last blogged. Imagine the TOTP Whole Lotta Love riff in the background as you read.

5. The film Green Zone. How could a film about weapons of mass destruction be boring? Well they managed it. Nothing happens for most of the film, and then there's a ludicrously long chase sequence at the end. The most annoying thing about it is the way Matt Damon is the only one to think, wait a minute, what if there are no weapons of mass destruction? Well done Matt Damon. Now maybe show less fucking contempt towards the Iraqis? Oh, no he just spat on some more of them. Silly Iraqis. Look how angry they get when you invade their country! Hahahaha. And that one's only got one leg!!! I don't like war films generally, but this was the least engaging film I've seen for a long time.

4. The fact that I've apparently got to do 12 hours of reading per week per module. I do three and a half modules this term, so thats 42 hours of reading per week. That's six hours of reading per day. When will I have time to do important things, like blogging and watching That '70s Show? It's as if the university don't even see those things as important!

3. This sentence: "Though a tired fancy in itself, [this] at least serves to show up a real and (I suspect) a profound difficulty, of providing any model of an unending, supposedly satisfying, state or activity which would not rightly prove boring to anyone who remained conscious of himself and who had acquired a character, interests, tastes and impatiences in the course of life already, a finite life." (B. Williams.) Fuck off. George Orwell would be spinning in his grave. Six hours a day of this. B. Williams is a cunt.

2. Those annoying pretentious adverts. People complain about adverts like the Go Compare one, which is fair enough, it is a fucking annoying advert, but thats the whole point of it. Its deliberately annoying, it knows its being annoying, thats what its there for, to be annoying. It doesn't think its anything other than annoying. What pisses me off more than adverts like that are adverts that think they're really clever. They're generally for alcohol or perfume, and adverts for alcohol especially can be excellent. But the ones I mean are the ones with, say, a woman running down a cobbled street in Italy, and its raining, and its "stylishly" shot, and then she runs past a man in a suit who's drinking the advertised vodka, and he drops the drink and starts to run after her, and the vodka splashes onto the cobbled street in extra-ultra-super-fucking-slow-motion and the name of the vodka appears against a black background in the style of a film poster and is read out in an accent. I could definitely be in advertising. But you know the ones I mean. They're pretentious and think that being set in Europe and shot in black and white and having no words makes them clever. They can fuck right off. Don Draper would not approve.

1. I don't know, the... fucking... Tories.

So that was my runthrough of the five most annoying things since the last blog, hooray! Please comment with things that have annoyed you. Or haven't annoyed you. Anything, just comment, please. And this blog was named after a song by funk group Poets Of Rhythm, the song which I will leave you with.

Friday, 15 October 2010


There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is Andrew Marr.

Wait, that's not true. Not Hate, the other one. Like. That's it, I like Andrew Marr. But you've probably heard about his attack on bloggers. He dresses up as the vigilante "Journo-Man" and beats bloggers up. Not really, he actually said:

"A lot of bloggers seem to be socially inadequate, pimpled, single, slightly seedy, bald, cauliflower-nosed young men sitting in their mother's basements and ranting. They are very angry people ... So-called citizen journalism is the spewings and rantings of very drunk people late at night ... It is fantastic at times but it is not going to replace journalism ... Most of the blogging is too angry and too abusive." Along with many others, I thought what better way to respond than write an angry drunken blog.

I may be socially inadequate, pimpled, single, slightly seedy, angry, abusive, drunk and ranting late at night, but I am not sitting in my mother's basement. How dare he suggest such a thing. How. Dare. He. I'm also not bald, and my nose has been called many things but never cauliflower-ey.

What Marr has failed to realise is that blogging and "citizen journalism" are two distinctly different things. Most bloggers are not writing to "replace journalism" but simply to express their views and maybe make people laugh. These angry rants can be brilliant, particularly Michael Legge's award winning blog. Crucially, the generalisation that Marr has made is deeply unprofessional and out of touch. A lot of us are these angry men that he describes, but a lot of bloggers are angry girls too. Joking aside, he's promoting an unfair stereotype, something I wouldn't expect of such a respected journalist.

Or would I? This is the man who last year asked Gordon Brown if he was "one of those" who used "prescription painkillers and pills to help them get through." Not only was this deeply low and unprofessional, the rumours upon which the question was based were themselves generated on A FUCKING BLOG. According to this article from The Guardian, John Ward blogged about the alleged painkillers after hearing about Brown's dietary requirements. He recognised the diet as one proscribed to those on a certain antidepressant. Is that better journalism then Andrew Marr? Furtherfuckingmore, the man who told Ward about the dietary requirements had consumed "a couple of drinks." So drunken ramblings aren't good enough for the internet but are a viable basis for a question to the Prime Minister on BBC television.

The internet is full of a lot of shit from drunk people, but its also home to some absolute gold. To generalise and ignore this is irresponsible, and Marr's remarks are ill-conceived and out of touch. Not all blogs are angry ranting, this one required research! And ANDREW MARR IS A FUCKING HYPOCRITE. Hope I didn't just undermine my argument. This hypocrisy is shown by the above example, but what do I know, I'm just a socially inadequate, pimpled, single, slightly seedy, angry, abusive, drunk blogger.

The title of this blog is a clever play on the song Technologic by Daft Punk. Yes it is clever, shut up. So I'll leave you with Daft Punk's Harder Better Faster Stronger, even though you already know it, cos it's still brilliant, and better than the Kanye West one.

Monday, 11 October 2010

Piano Smasher

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is the cunt downstairs playing the piano.

I live above a bar, which is ace because I have convenient access to whatever I want. As long as what I want is games of pool, darts, and beer (between 5pm and 11pm Sunday to Thursday and 5pm to midnight Friday and Saturday). And pool, darts and beer are all I ever want because I am a male. And apparently that's what males, of all species, enjoy.

I fucking told you! So anyway, it's cool. Not quite like it is in The Drew Carey Show, but still cool. We spend most of our time in there. Again, "we" being the entire gender. But one day, I walked into the bar - ouch! - I was beaten and raped. Hahaha I love that old joke. Seriously though, I walked in and there was this cunt. Playing the piano. If you are wondering why there's a piano in a bar, as I was, then how is this for an explanation...

I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! It's a bar! There is no need for a piano! Is there a worse place for a piano?!

I know, I hadn't noticed that before either. But before this starts to resemble a Cracked article too closely, I should point out that I realise that this piano is in the bar for events which may require such an instrument, like talent shows or something. It's also there for people to practice on. I know this because that's all this cunt does. He's not a bad pianist, in fact he's very good, it's just so annoying to have to listen to someone practicing their fucking hobby in my bar. The bar. I meant the bar. I go there to relax; I wonder how he'd like it if I practiced my drumming in his living room while he relaxed in front of The X Factor. He definitely watches The X Factor. I know this despite only ever seeing him from behind. Maybe he's the smiley-shoed man from the last blog! Remember that? My blog about fire alarms? The one I wrote about fire alarms? My blog? Well its down there anyway. The thing is, its not even as if smiley-shoed-piano man is performing, he is literally practicing, as in playing the same fucking thing over and over again. While actual music is played on the sound system in the bar. And its the shit he plays as well. Its all stuff thats popular and played all the time at the moment, like that fucking brain-dead repetitive noisy one that's always on now. You know the one? No not that one, although actually, he plays that one too. He plays all of them. Shut the fuck up with your constant piano renditions of already dreadful David Guetta shite, I'm trying to listen to Heaven by DJ Sammy and Yanou feat. Do and Alia.

But the most annoying thing about him, is the fact that what he's actually doing is simply attention seeking. He could practice playing the piano in any of the huge amount of rooms in this huge university. But where does he choose to practice? In a bar. Where there are definitely going to be people who will definitely hear. He's after an audience; he hopes that if he plays enough popular songs to enough people he will gather a crowd, or perhaps an attractive girl will join him and sing along. And the worst thing is, it generally works. Am I really the only one who thinks he's being a prick? This is a bar! I hate him, the attention craving pianis. That's not a typo.

And don't worry, he won't read this. Even if he was capable of prising his needy hands off that piano for long enough to reach a computer, he could then only press the keyboard keys A, B, C, D, E, F and G. And on that NOTE (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I'll leave you. This blog is named after a song by the excellent Blue Man Group - enjoy this great video of them.

Friday, 8 October 2010

Sound The Alarm

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is fire alarms.

Okay that's not strictly true, I like fire alarms, they save lives. I know that from The Sims. Along with valuable life lessons like, microwaves do sometimes just explode, teleportation is a viable alternative to staircases, and you should never swim in a pool that doesn't have a ladder.

But on Thursday morning, at about 8 o'clock, I'd literally just stepped out of the shower when the fire alarm went off. I grabbed some clothes and went and stood outside in the cold, dripping soapy water onto my feet. Wait, onto my feet? Of course, I'd forgotten shoes. And the ground was absolutely freezing. As you can imagine, I was not happy. I was tired and wet and cold. I looked up and saw a man looking at my feet and smiling. Who the fuck smiles at 8am?! "Do not say anything about my feet," I said. To myself. In my head. "Your feet must be cold," he said. To me. At 8am. Smiling. I replied "yep." I didn't feel it was necessary to say any more to this clearly-very-fucking-observant-shoe-wearing man. Of course my feet were cold, the last thing I wanted was for someone wearing shoes to point it out, while smiling at 8am. That smile ruined any potential sympathy this man intended. It felt like:

My flatmate then told me that all the buildings were having fire drills this week. "At least we've got ours out of the way then," I dripped.
"Actually..." said a voice. I looked up. It was the smiling man again. "This isn't a drill. There's no fire, but you're still going to have to do a separate drill," smiled the man.
Just when I thought I couldn't hate the smiling shoed cunt more.

Later that day I was waiting to go into a lecture, thinking "at least there'll be no more fire alarms today. Nope, no chance of any more today! I'm so glad there won't be any more fire alarms today." Then I saw two men in fluorescent jackets walk over to the fire alarm. "Do not press that fire alarm," I thought. They pressed the fire alarm. Even though I'd specifically thought them not to. To make matters worse, one of these men was the smiley-shoe man. I only saw his back so I can't prove that, and he was a different height and shape and had different coloured hair, but it had to be. I hate him. We had to leave the building, and the men were saying things like, "hurry up! Come on now! Fire alarm!" Of course there's a fucking fire alarm, I just watched you set it off!

As I slept that night I dreamt "at least that's all the fire alarms there can be! There won't be any more, no way. Not in a million years will there be another fire alarm." Guess what woke me up? That's right, a bear. Not really, it was a fire alarm you idiots! It was our drill, which I'd forgotten about, and it was 6am. Why did we need to do a drill?! We'd done exactly the same thing a day before! I reasoned, "maybe procedure has changed since then." It hadn't. It was still: Step 1 - Walk out of the building. End of procedure. To make things worse, I was hungover, so loud noises hurt. A fire alarm is pretty much as loud as they get. Apart from Joe Medforth. (Please keep reading my blog Joe.) I'd remembered my shoes this time, so I looked around smugly, hoping to see the smiley twat. Of course he wasn't there. The one time I wanted to see him and he wasn't there. He was probably out telling homeless people that they looked thin.

Then we had a "safety talk", which consisted of a man shouting that if the alarm sounds then we should remain calm and gather our possessions before exiting the building, which seems completely counter-intuitive, as well as being the complete opposite of what I was always taught. I then went back to bed, singing a song I'd made, the lyrics to which went: "No more fire alarms, la la la, there won't be more alarms, la la la la la la la la." (Soon available on iTunes.) As I drifted off I could still hear the faint sound of fire alarms, as if the noise had been engrained in my subconscious. But no, actually what I was hearing was real fire alarms, as nearby buildings had their drills. So that kept me awake until my alarm clock went off, at which point I was so confused that I remained calm and gathered my possessions before exiting the building.

I've decided now that burning to death is favourable to any more fucking fire alarm procedure. In fact I'm about to set off a firework indoors, as I learnt from The Sims. I've also deleted my door. So I'll leave you with the Thievery Corporation song that this blog is named after.