Sunday, 28 November 2010

Club Nowhere

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is night clubs.

But instead of whinging about why clubbing is awful, I will be constructive, and offer some advice on how to make clubbing more fun.

I got a phone call from myself the other day, which went something like -

Who is this?
Its you
Yes, you're phoning yourself
How does that work?
Its a new app
Of course it is. What do you want?
I have a suggestion for your blog
The people are gone. They're all gone
...Well can I leave a message?
I hate you
I'll take that as a yes. The thing is, I hate night clubs-
Stop talking
-and I thought you could suggest some advice on making clubbing more fun
You're wasting your life
I'm not joking. Your death would bring an abundance of happiness to the world
I don't get that one
Is this phonecall being charged to me or you?
We're the same person
So, its a free O2 to O2 call then
So anyway, if you could do that for your next blog that'd be great
Leave me alone
Okay I better go anyway, byebye!
Don't go, you're all I have

...So here's the advice!!! My 3 tips on how to make night clubs more fun. (Or less of a soul-destroying box of emptiness.)

3. There are smoke-machines in night clubs. I like to stand near them and when they produce smoke, I pretend to suffocate and pass out. Its just for me. Try it! Do it every time smoke shoots out, it'll be funny every time. If you're feeling super committed, physically collapse onto the floor and lie still.

2. DJs are cunts aren't they? Last night I was in a club called Embrace, and at one point the DJ said "Embrace is on fire!" DJs do this a lot. Obviously I knew what he meant, but when DJs say the club "is on fire!", start screaming and running around panicking. This one's for everyone. If you're feeling super committed, pull a fire alarm.

1. Another thing DJs do is give 'shout-outs' to people, for example, "Shout-out to Laura, its her 19th birthday! Where's Laura?" At which point its hilarious, especially if you are male and clearly not Laura, to shout and wave. (It is also always funny if you are male to do the same when the DJ says "Any single ladies in tonight?") If you're feeling super committed, shout so loudly that you drown out Laura's own screaming. Really ruin that girl's birthday. And don't worry about feeling guilty, Laura is a terrible person. She once typed a Facebook status that had a grand total of 8 exclamation marks. She did then delete 4 of them before posting it, but if you think this makes her any less of a cunt then you are a far more forgiving person than myself.

So there are my 3 tips for making clubbing fun. Alternatively, stay at home.

This blog is named after a Blue Man Group song, so I'll leave you with a video of them, a different one to last time. This is them performing Drumbone. Enjoy!

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Choking On A Piece Of Meat

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is being a vegetarian.

I've been a vegetarian for a month now, and I've come across three annoying things about it. I know some hardcore veggies will be reading this and thinking, "hah, only a month?! I've been meat-free since the womb. Try only bathing in lentils." So I don't mean to sound like I'm whining, I've just noticed these annoying things about being a vegetarian.

Firstly, there is so little choice for vegetarians. If I want to just grab a sandwich from a newsagent, I have to plough through hundreds of sandwiches all called things like "meat feast" and "meat lovers" and "prepare to meat your gator" and "BLT" and "BLTCRMCMLOMAB" before finally finding one called "cheese." Only to discover it went out of date in 1987. That's pretty much all thats left sandwich-wise, cheese. Luckily I like cheese, but if I didn't I'd have starved to death. I have a new found admiration for vegans. Here I am complaining about how little I can eat, when they have to forage in the woods to survive. Ethically-produced hats off to them.

Secondly, I am now paranoid about what I can and cannot eat. Every bite I take is laden with fear that there's some trace of meat in whatever I'm eating. Even if it says Suitable For Vegetarians on it, I still distrust it, as if that labels been stuck there by an evil farmer. What if there's meat in this glass of water? Or in this soya bean? Or in this bacon sandwich?

Finally, the stigma. I'm scared to tell people, it's like "coming out." In fact, I'm sure the response of most of my friends will be, "are you gay or something?"

Well I must stop typing now, my skinny vegetarian arms are aching (Yes they were skinny when I ate meat, I know), so I'll leave you with the song this blog is named after, by the brilliantly funky Poets Of Rhythm. (Except I can't find it on youtube, so here's another of their songs which still sticks to this blog's theme: Ham Gallery. Enjoy!)

Thursday, 4 November 2010

See The Robot Write Up His Name On The Ballot

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is people who voted Republican in the mid-term US elections because they were disappointed by Obama.

I'll explain. As you know, the mid-term elections saw the Republicans take control of the House of Representatives, and the Democrats only just held on to the Senate. Now, a lot of the people who voted Republican did so because that's where they fall ideologically. I'm not going to talk about them. Let's just call them evil, and move on. They are evil. Moving on.

I heard that some people voted Republican because they were disappointed by President Obama. They were so hopeful about healthcare reform, and how radical it would be, that when it finally passed in its watered down form, they were so angry that it wasn't as far reaching as they hoped that they voted Republican in protest. I don't know if anyone did that. I really, really hope no one did.

Anyone who says its Obama's fault that healthcare wasn't as progressive as promised is fucking stupid, but anyone who voted Republican because of this is the cunt of the litter.

In the US, Congress is so powerful, business so powerful, and pharmaceutical companies so powerful that its impressive that Obama managed to pass any kind of healthcare reform bill. The President can't just click his fingers and magically pass any thing he wants. He's not the Prime Minister.

Guess how many Republicans voted in favour of healthcare reform? Did you say 3? Well you're wrong! It's NONE. If you hadn't noticed, they do not like healthcare reform. They are not fans of poor people having access to healthcare. So voting Republican because you don't think the healthcare bill is radical enough is the stupidest fucking thing you can do! Its their fault its not enough! And now Obama won't be able to pass anything progressive at all. And the Republicans will revoke the healthcare bill. And pass their right-wing legislation. Because you thought: I want left-leaning policy, but this left-leaning party isn't left-leaning enough... lets vote for a right-leaning party instead, just as they see a resurgence in conservatism and greed and racism. That'll help.

It's like if the We Love Animals Party was in power, and tried to pass a law that gave everyone a free dog or cat or hamster as a pet. But the opposition, the We Hate Animals Party, refuse to vote for it, so its moderated to just include a dog or a cat, not a hamster, and eventually it passes. Someone who loves animals, especially hamsters, thinks, "I love animals, especially hamsters, I'm annoyed that I can't have a free hamster, I'll vote for the We Hate Animals Party to show my annoyance." And the We Hate Animals Party come to power, and revoke the law so now you can't even have a dog or a cat, then burn all the hamsters in a big pile. And the voter goes "this is an outrage, how can you burn all the hamsters in a big pile?" And the We Hate Animals Party goes "We're called the We Hate Animals Party, the clue is in the name. You voted us in, remember?" And that's what the Tea Party do. They burn hamsters in a big pile. Do not shoot me Tea Party, I retract my comment. They do NOT burn hamsters. Only black people.

So that's the thorny issue of politics tackled! Next week I'll be ending the global problems of poverty, debt and Bono. If you liked this blog, please comment. If you are disappointed that it wasn't as radical as it could have been, please blow up the internet. The title of this blog is a lyric from the song Walk Idiot Walk by one of the greatest bands ever, The Hives. I'll leave you with that song.