Sunday, 28 November 2010

Club Nowhere

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is night clubs.

But instead of whinging about why clubbing is awful, I will be constructive, and offer some advice on how to make clubbing more fun.

I got a phone call from myself the other day, which went something like -

Who is this?
Its you
Yes, you're phoning yourself
How does that work?
Its a new app
Of course it is. What do you want?
I have a suggestion for your blog
The people are gone. They're all gone
...Well can I leave a message?
I hate you
I'll take that as a yes. The thing is, I hate night clubs-
Stop talking
-and I thought you could suggest some advice on making clubbing more fun
You're wasting your life
I'm not joking. Your death would bring an abundance of happiness to the world
I don't get that one
Is this phonecall being charged to me or you?
We're the same person
So, its a free O2 to O2 call then
So anyway, if you could do that for your next blog that'd be great
Leave me alone
Okay I better go anyway, byebye!
Don't go, you're all I have

...So here's the advice!!! My 3 tips on how to make night clubs more fun. (Or less of a soul-destroying box of emptiness.)

3. There are smoke-machines in night clubs. I like to stand near them and when they produce smoke, I pretend to suffocate and pass out. Its just for me. Try it! Do it every time smoke shoots out, it'll be funny every time. If you're feeling super committed, physically collapse onto the floor and lie still.

2. DJs are cunts aren't they? Last night I was in a club called Embrace, and at one point the DJ said "Embrace is on fire!" DJs do this a lot. Obviously I knew what he meant, but when DJs say the club "is on fire!", start screaming and running around panicking. This one's for everyone. If you're feeling super committed, pull a fire alarm.

1. Another thing DJs do is give 'shout-outs' to people, for example, "Shout-out to Laura, its her 19th birthday! Where's Laura?" At which point its hilarious, especially if you are male and clearly not Laura, to shout and wave. (It is also always funny if you are male to do the same when the DJ says "Any single ladies in tonight?") If you're feeling super committed, shout so loudly that you drown out Laura's own screaming. Really ruin that girl's birthday. And don't worry about feeling guilty, Laura is a terrible person. She once typed a Facebook status that had a grand total of 8 exclamation marks. She did then delete 4 of them before posting it, but if you think this makes her any less of a cunt then you are a far more forgiving person than myself.

So there are my 3 tips for making clubbing fun. Alternatively, stay at home.

This blog is named after a Blue Man Group song, so I'll leave you with a video of them, a different one to last time. This is them performing Drumbone. Enjoy!

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