Saturday, 7 June 2014

Baby Please

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are three more of them.

3. Before I lived in London I had no idea public transport could instantaneously transform. I don't mean like Optimus Prime, I mean the way you can board a train on the underground only for it to completely change service while you're on it. The driver will make an announcement like: "When you boarded this train it was a Hammersmith and City line service to Barking, but now it's a Circle line service to Tower Hill. Sorry!" The other day I was told that my train to Hammersmith was going to stop at Moorgate and then go backwards. No other mode of transport could get away with that, and it's completely baffling from a metaphysical standpoint that something can change entirely what it is whilst in operation. "When you boarded this train it was a Piccadilly line service to Cockfosters, but now it's a shoe."

Yes, that is a magazine called Gurgle. With a title like that it's either a baby magazine or pornography, and I'm not sure which is worse. Actually of course I do, the baby magazine is far worse. "Top chef shares his baby recipes" boasts the cover, unclear whether it means recipes for cooking babies or recipes for baby food. Surely it can't be the latter, that would be insane. Why do we need a "top chef" telling us how to cook for babies?! They'll eat literally anything. Mush up their favourite toy and they'll wolf it down like a stoner eating pizza, the idiots.

Maybe this is just about me hating babies, but these magazines seem to be spawning faster than the stupid brats themselves. There are publications called Baby London and Baby Surrey, as if there's any difference between the two! I suppose this all serves me right for going to Waitrose. 

1. Dawn O'Porter. When presenter Dawn Porter married actor Chris O'Dowd, she changed her name to Dawn O'Porter. That's just worth remembering.

Here's Jurassic 5.