Thursday, 27 October 2011

Frontin' That Stupid Toy

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is how ridiculously early Christmas is promoted.

I mean we haven't even had Halloween yet, but this BBC article lists the top 12 Christmas toys this year. I haven't read the article, I just laughed at the funny names of the toys. Here's what they sound like to me:

Fijit Friends - Original title: My First Epileptic

LeapPad Explorer - Steve Jobs' final act of revenge

Doggie Doo - ...

Monster High Lagoona's Hydration Station - A horror film

Fireman Sam Pontypandy Rescue Set - A fire

Kidizoom Twist - I don't know and I'm not sure I want to

Let's Rock Elmo - An Elmo toy that you shake until it shuts the fuck up

Milky the Bunny - Original title: My First Racist

Moshling Tree House - The sequel to Monster High Lagoona's Hydration Station

Ninjago Fire Temple - Original title: My Second Racist

Nerf Vortex Nitron Blaster - A toothbrush

Star Wars Ultimate Force Tech Lightsaber Assortment - What George Lucas calls his penis

This blog has definitely become where I put stuff that is too stupid for anywhere else... Anyway this one's name comes from one of the best songs ever, Just Another Story by Jamiroquai. I'll leave you with that 9 minute acid jazz masterpiece, enjoy!

Sunday, 9 October 2011

Learn To Flyer

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is promotional material aimed at students.

This is an actual flyer, for a Sheffield club night, that landed on our doorstep a couple of weeks ago. 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS TUESDAY?' it asks, somewhat intrusively. 'YOU'RE GOING TO GET LAID!' Want to bet on that, flyer?

It's certainly a bold opener. And did you catch this bit?

I don't know about you, but to me the thought of losing my keys and my phone is not an attractive one. My phone is lovely and new, and my keys are useful for things like getting into my house. Advertising something with the promise of losing your belongings is just weird.

While this flyer is crass to the point of insulting, it is sadly not an anomaly. The University of Sheffield student newspaper, Forge Press, ran this story about some fun sexual-harassment on another flyer for a club night.

'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS IS DEAD' claims the flyer. No it isn't, thank fuck. That said, I have no idea what a 'ROMEO VS JULIET DEATH MATCH!!!' is, but I like the sound of it.

So far so Topman. But then yesterday, Ben found this article from The Student magazine, providing the '20 THINGS YOU MUST DO IN FRESHERS' WEEK.' Amongst the agreeable suggestions, such as going shopping and doing fancy dress, is this pile of lovely:

It's as if The Inbetweeners Movie never happened...

HAHA THEY SAID MINGERS! LIKE THEY DID 10 YEARS AGO! I'd have thought that, as a magazine, this should be subject to some sort of regulation and, I don't know, common fucking decency. But clearly I'm just a prude.

The point is, young people are misrepresented enough as it is, mainly by TV shows such as 'Skins' and 'The News.' All this sexism aimed at students serves only to embrace this stereotype, which as students, most of us are trying hard to shake off. By conforming to this horrible impression of youth culture, this material legitimises dangerous attitudes that should have been left behind decades ago. Impressively, this stuff manages to simultaneously be offensive to both men and women. Let's try to get sexism out of the mainstream attitudes into which it has been graciously accepted, rather than reinforce it in this charming way. So please, talk to students as you would talk to people. Think before you publish your despicable shit and treat us with a shred of dignity, even if you've given up yours.

Thanks for reading my anger, the title of this blog is a clever (very, very clever) play on the Foo Fighters song Learn To Fly. I'll leave you with that classic video, enjoy!

Saturday, 8 October 2011

Rabbit In Your Headlines

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is the fact that I've been writing this blog for over a year now.

But anyway, the BBC news website is great for a number of reasons, but my favourite thing about it is how headlines get truncated on the front page. It often makes them completely nonsensical, while making the stories sound far more interesting than they actually are. You can read them without gaining a shred of new information, in some cases coming away knowing even less than before you saw the headline. At times they literally just seem like a random collection of words. Here, in no particular order, are 10 real examples:

10. Arrests in Israeli settler deaths. - See what I mean? Those are just some words!

9. No charges for 'burglar' stab man. - Possibly written by a child.

8. Milton Keynes pilots travel club. - I've been staring at this one for days and I still couldn't tell you what the fuck is going on.

7. Beetle's beer bottle sex wins Ig. - ...

6. Fox ties to friend under scrutiny. - Headlines involving Defence Secretary Liam Fox always just say 'Fox', which never fails to leave me utterly confused for a split-second, while I wonder how a fox could have such complex social and political interactions.

5. School remembers fire death girls. - At least this one is decipherable, I just find the phrase 'fire death girls' odd.

4. Marsh to miss start of Upstairs. - The actual story: Actress Jean Marsh will miss the start of filming Upstairs Downstairs as she's recovering from a minor stroke. What I thought: Jodie Marsh missed a step and fell down some stairs.

3. Shed sprang cricket monster. - Ok I made that one up. Using a random word generator and the format Noun, Verb, Noun, Noun. But the point is it looks like it could be real. Which all the others of these genuinely are.

2. Luck 'saved shot Facebook grass.' - It's the way those words are in quote marks that really confuses me.

1. Man charged in 1980s rapes probe. - Sorry?

Thanks for reading, the title of this blog is a clever (yes, it is.) play on the brilliant UNKLE/DJ Shadow/Thom Yorke song Rabbit In Your Headlights. I'll leave you with that awesome video, enjoy!