Monday, 11 October 2010

Piano Smasher

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is the cunt downstairs playing the piano.

I live above a bar, which is ace because I have convenient access to whatever I want. As long as what I want is games of pool, darts, and beer (between 5pm and 11pm Sunday to Thursday and 5pm to midnight Friday and Saturday). And pool, darts and beer are all I ever want because I am a male. And apparently that's what males, of all species, enjoy.

I fucking told you! So anyway, it's cool. Not quite like it is in The Drew Carey Show, but still cool. We spend most of our time in there. Again, "we" being the entire gender. But one day, I walked into the bar - ouch! - I was beaten and raped. Hahaha I love that old joke. Seriously though, I walked in and there was this cunt. Playing the piano. If you are wondering why there's a piano in a bar, as I was, then how is this for an explanation...

I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! It's a bar! There is no need for a piano! Is there a worse place for a piano?!

I know, I hadn't noticed that before either. But before this starts to resemble a Cracked article too closely, I should point out that I realise that this piano is in the bar for events which may require such an instrument, like talent shows or something. It's also there for people to practice on. I know this because that's all this cunt does. He's not a bad pianist, in fact he's very good, it's just so annoying to have to listen to someone practicing their fucking hobby in my bar. The bar. I meant the bar. I go there to relax; I wonder how he'd like it if I practiced my drumming in his living room while he relaxed in front of The X Factor. He definitely watches The X Factor. I know this despite only ever seeing him from behind. Maybe he's the smiley-shoed man from the last blog! Remember that? My blog about fire alarms? The one I wrote about fire alarms? My blog? Well its down there anyway. The thing is, its not even as if smiley-shoed-piano man is performing, he is literally practicing, as in playing the same fucking thing over and over again. While actual music is played on the sound system in the bar. And its the shit he plays as well. Its all stuff thats popular and played all the time at the moment, like that fucking brain-dead repetitive noisy one that's always on now. You know the one? No not that one, although actually, he plays that one too. He plays all of them. Shut the fuck up with your constant piano renditions of already dreadful David Guetta shite, I'm trying to listen to Heaven by DJ Sammy and Yanou feat. Do and Alia.

But the most annoying thing about him, is the fact that what he's actually doing is simply attention seeking. He could practice playing the piano in any of the huge amount of rooms in this huge university. But where does he choose to practice? In a bar. Where there are definitely going to be people who will definitely hear. He's after an audience; he hopes that if he plays enough popular songs to enough people he will gather a crowd, or perhaps an attractive girl will join him and sing along. And the worst thing is, it generally works. Am I really the only one who thinks he's being a prick? This is a bar! I hate him, the attention craving pianis. That's not a typo.

And don't worry, he won't read this. Even if he was capable of prising his needy hands off that piano for long enough to reach a computer, he could then only press the keyboard keys A, B, C, D, E, F and G. And on that NOTE (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I'll leave you. This blog is named after a song by the excellent Blue Man Group - enjoy this great video of them.

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