Fuck the Motherfucker

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is this article.

Ann Widdecombe, who's only famous for being fucking awful, has been paid by the taxpayer to voice her boring opinion on the BBC, and I watched the whole thing like a big idiot because I didn't realise it was an hour long.

It's wonderfully ironic that Ann Widdecombe would reference Father Ted in her opening paragraph, before embarking on an article that just screams "Down with this sort of thing". Are You Having a Laugh? – Comedy and Christianity follows no one's favourite former Tory MP as she explores comedy's "abuse of Christianity". I didn't even realise Ann Widdecombe was into comedy, but apparently she's enough of an expert to present a show all about it. Personally, If I were looking for someone to host a programme on the relationship between comedy and Christianity, I'd probably get someone who has actually seen Monty Python's Life of Brian. But I guess I'm weird like that.

Instead, Ann Widdecombe watches excerpts from the controversial classic and deems it unfunny, thereby undermining every subsequent opinion and making her basically wrong. Obviously I'm being facetious, humour is entirely subjective and if she doesn't find it funny then that's fine. But then it just seems like Ann Widdecombe is giving her opinion on what is funny, and I don't particularly need to know that. She loves panto, incidentally.

I would, however, argue that you really ought to see the entire film before you can make an informed judgement. And yes I appreciate the hypocrisy, given that this blog is mostly me slagging off films that I've not seen. But then I'm not presenting a show about them on the BBC. Constantly arrested for obscenity, the comedian Lenny Bruce would beg judges to be allowed to do his act for the court. Instead, police officers would just read out transcripts of his shows, free of all context and nuance, condemning a desperate Lenny Bruce: "This guy's bombing and I'm going to jail for it."

Ann Widdecombe describes the end of Life of Brian as "quite horrific", which seems unfair. It's many things, but horrific is not one of them; smart, silly, sensitive, satirical and ultimately uplifting. "Always look on the bright side of life..."

Her other main target is the Goodness Gracious Me sketch in which the Indian characters go to church, and end up putting chutney on the Communion bread. The sketch was banned and cannot be aired, so we have to watch Ann Widdecombe watching it. Why she is allowed to see it while the public aren't is unclear, but she calls the ban just and feels "wounded" by the sketch. She claims that "the body and blood of Christ were mocked" but I'm not sure that's the point of the sketch at all; it's about a clash of culture, as is every fucking sketch in Goodness Gracious Me. The punchline is surely not on Christianity, but on the ridiculous Indian stereotypes.

Her argument is that Christ just should not be mocked; "comedy should keep its hands off what is sacred." She puts this to comedian Marcus Brigstocke who replies, "it's not special." And he's completely right. Nothing should be outside the reach of comedy. In fact, comedy is probably the best way of dealing with these controversial issues. Lenny Bruce called comedy "the only honest art form", before being driven to bankruptcy and ultimately death by a legal system which objected to his mocking of religion.

One of the show's best comments comes from writer Cole Moreton: "People are making up for 500 years of Christians telling them what to think and how to feel." Comedy tackles Christianity as it does any aspect of society, especially one that exercised so much control for so long. Religion ought to be held to the same scrutiny as any issue, and as Marcus Brigstocke explains, "There are not lines that we as a society should decide cannot be crossed. There just aren't." Anne Widdecombe's claim that Christ is "too big to be mocked" is meaningless; nothing is "too big to be mocked." On the contrary, the bigger something is, the more it invites mockery. Not literally, I'm not saying we should bully the tall, awful though they are. But a crucial role of comedy is to puncture the inflated, and it doesn't get much bigger than claims to divine authority.

Do comedians use religion to get an easy laugh? Sure, so stop watching Mock the Week. Some of the best comedy satirises religion and does it incisively and sensitively; Richard Herring's Christ on a Bike, Stewart Lee's 90s Comedian, Robin Ince, Bill Hicks, Lenny Bruce, South Park and of course Life of Brian. Not Ricky Gervais. But they don't "abuse" Christianity, they highlight its hypocrisies and ultimately stem from compassion. And you might get offended along the way, but you don't have a right to not be offended. Personally, I'm offended by Ann Widdecombe's views on sex and abortion and women priests. But you don't see me going on about it...

Then Baroness Warsi shows up and says fuck nothing of interest.

I'll leave you with some beautiful blasphemous comedy from Tim Minchin, thanks for reading!

Ape Me

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are five more of them.

The more time I spend at the cinema, the more I become convinced that the film industry is just taking the piss. Here are five more stupid pieces of movie marketing.


5.

That's right, the follow up to Rise of the Planet of the Apes is to take the equally cumbersome title Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. If there are any marketing people reading this: There should be no more than one "of the" in a title. You fucking idiots.


4.

"Gravity: They say you can't fight it. Well I disagree." 

Jump off a fucking cliff then.

3. When does music stop being music? I reckon it's about here:

 

2. I have a new worst movie I've not seen:

 

 

It looks uncannily like Ken Korda's Speeding on the Needlebliss from The Adam and Joe Show. And that's not just me being rude, it actually does. Look:

 

1. Here's quite a famous scene from quite a famous film:

 

And here's Sam Raimi talking about it:

Why the fuck would Dorothy throw acid? Where would this acid have come from? Why would she be throwing acid on the Scarecrow to extinguish the flames? Let's hope Sam Raimi never becomes a firefighter, in a weird Fireman Sam reboot where he just sprays acid everywhere and destroys entire cities. That still wouldn't be as horrific as his Spider-Man trilogy. 

That scene is one of the most famous moments not just in The Wizard of Oz, but in cinematic history. And apparently Sam Raimi hasn't even seen the film. Oh well, it's not like he's just directed the prequel or anything.

Oh. Here's Rape Me by Nirvana. 

Cold Sweat

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is this film poster.

No not because of Zac Efron, though that doesn't exactly help. It's the way that "SWEATY" is being used as a selling point. Is that something that audiences look for in a film? Are there people out there saying: "The Godfather is alright, but not nearly sweaty enough"? If so, might I suggest pornography.

This is part of a trend of increasingly stupid boasts on movie posters. Look at Movie 43, described by Richard Roeper as "the Citizen Kane of awful."

The idea that a massive cast is somehow virtuous is like bragging: "The most paint ever used in a movie!" or "The loudest film ever!"

Speaking of which... 

You may have seen the poster for the new "comedy" film The Guilt Trip which claims: "THE FIRST MOTHER-SON ROAD MOVIE!" At last, the sub-genre we've all been waiting for has arrived, and in the form of Barbra Streisand and Seth Rogen. If it's a mother-son comedy you're after, I highly recommend the Stallone movie Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. 

But it's not just poster boasts that are getting out of hand, film titles themselves are increasingly ridiculous. I'll let these three speak for themselves.

This one just shows a basic misunderstanding of what words mean...

Presumably Part III will be called: Definitely The Last Exorcism This Time Probably.

That's Tom Cruise in some sort of robot suit in my favourite worst titled film ever: All You Need Is Kill. The fact that Cruise went for a curry in St Albans during shooting is a happy bonus.

The Summer Soldier was probably deemed slightly too camp. And as we know, Christopher Nolan brought an end to the camp superhero movie. Mind you, Man of Steel does sound like a gay porno.

Incidentally, we put up with the underwhelming Captain America and Thor films because we knew they were just there to set up Avengers Assemble (talking of shit names). They were placeholder movies, and so we forgave them their mediocrity. But now that Avengers Go For A Coffee has been and gone, our tolerance of distinctly average superhero sequels may become seriously tested.

And while I'm ranting, why do we need the same old-people-singing movie twice in the space of a few weeks? 

If I want to watch a film about old people, I'll go with Dawn of the Dead.

Time for a quick Louise Mensch update: the former MP and social network overlord has turned her Tory hand to fashion blogging. Unsurprisingly, the blog just seems to be pictures of herself, but it has provided me with a new favourite YouTube video.

She was probably going for something like this: 

But it ended up more reminiscent of this:

Thanks for reading my blog looking at some pictures, here's James Brown.

Just Another Tory

As you know, I love everything in the world, with the exception of three things. One of those things that I love is this piece of news. 

That's right, the men and women (but mainly men) who run this country all squeezed into a very old room and decided, admirably and decisively, that the Tories are homophobic. Oh and that gay people should be legally allowed to own pets, or something.

It's genuinely rare that we can look upon a piece of legislation and confidently call it progress, whatever that word means. But here it seems that we can, so congratulations to the MPs who actually represent the thoroughly cool and groovy people of Britain. And I'm glad David Cameron doesn't seem too shaken up by Michael Winner's death, I know he was a big fan of those car insurance adverts.

What I don't understand, though, is why around half of the Conservatives voted against the bill. It was always going to pass, so you might as well just pretend, just for one vote, that you're not an awful bigot. By opposing gay marriage, not only are you going to piss off David Cameron and the party command, you're also revealing to the world just how out of touch and lacking in compassion you truly are, Anne Main (St Albans). This vote revealed the limited nature of the Tory party's "modernisation", with 136 voting against compared to 127 in favour. With their archaic values still very much alive and well, it's clear that gay marriage passed despite the Conservatives, not because of them.

And speaking of Tories, it looks like everybody's favourite crypto-fascist vanity project is coming to an end. Yes, Menshn, which is NOT named after Louise Mensch, is set to close after about 8 months of no one giving a fuck. In a hilarious blog, Luke Bozier explains that Louise Mensch, who DIDN'T name Menshn after herself, might not be the easiest person to work with. So there's a shock.

Well that's gay marriage and Menshn wrapped up, my blog really has nothing more to offer. Especially as 30 Rock has ended too. At least we still have Jamiroquai. When they split up we're really fucked.

End of the Movie

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is the year 2012.

The Jubilee, the Olympics, that cold the Queen had... 2012 is the year that turned the UK into a bunch of sycophantic idiots, and I'm glad it's over. In fact, if the Queen getting a cold is such a big deal, is giving her part of Antarctica really the best idea? They should just try to use the state poverty fund to heat Buckingham palace. Again. Meanwhile, the Archbishop of Westminster used his Christmas message to attack gay marriage. Ho ho homophobic fucking cunt.

That's why I spent the year in the relative sanity of the cinema. In 2012, Iron Man, Hulk, Thor and those other ones finally all assembled (Oh I understand that stupid name now), Peter Jackson showed us the true magic of cinema by tricking people into thinking they'd seen a proper film, and Tom Hardy did a voice. But here are my best and worst films of 2012:

THE BEST

5. ParaNorman

There were a few horror-themed family films this year; Hotel Transylvania was decent enough considering it starred Adam Sandler, and I didn't see Frankenweenie because I've not forgiven Tim Burton for this:

That's the scariest thing Tim Burton will ever do. But if you're after a stop-motion, family-friendly horror film made by people who aren't friends with David Cameron, look no further than the wonderful ParaNorman, which I reviewed here. It's lovingly crafted and tells us that horror films don't have to be nasty and cruel, but are actually rooted in compassion. Take note, Citadel (in cinemas 2013).

4. Headhunters

Adapted from a Jo Nesbø novel, this Norwegian thriller is smartly plotted and nicely designed, much like this year's other fantastic Jo Nesbø adaptation Jackpot. But don't just take my word for it; Mark Wahlberg described Headhunters as "awesome". Hence why he's remaking it. Because in Hollywood, when you see something you like, you change it. 

3. The Cabin in the Woods

Making a good double-bill with ParaNorman, Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard provide a clever deconstruction of the modern horror movie that's as joyously fun as it is seriously scathing. The Cabin in the Woods, like the other great postmodern horror film Scream, has its cake and eats it too, playfully toying with all the tropes that it's targeting. Call me crazy, but I reckon that Joss Whedon is going places...

2. The Raid

Hollywood action films were predictably disappointing this year (2012 will forever be remembered as the year that The Expendables 2 and The Grey were both infinitely better than the new Bourne movie), so let's look instead to Indonesia. The Raid features the most bone-crackingly stunning martial arts choreography I've ever seen, and lots of it. It was also the first of a slew of movies this year to be set in tower blocks; the 3D Dredd suffered in comparison while the aptly titled Tower Block was a very neat British thriller. 

1. Sightseers

My favourite film of 2012 was the magnificent Sightseers, thanks to its impressive direction by Ben Wheatley and hilarious writing and performances from Alice Lowe and Steve Oram. Darkly funny, often brutal and weirdly sweet, Sightseers is Guts in May. Plus there's a great dog death, which helps.

THE WORST

5. Piranha 3DD

Loud, boring, sexist... but enough about Boris Johnson. Piranha 3DD is a film whose fucking awful title may actually be its strongest aspect, though as Alex points out, they should have just called it Fish 'N' Tits. It's stupid, it hates its audience and it even steals from other horror films. ParaNorman and The Cabin in the Woods reference other horror films. Piranha 3DD steals from them. 

4. For a Good Time, Call...

If any film could benefit from having all its characters killed off one by one by mutant piranhas, it's this.

3. Sinister

Ok so Sinister doesn't actually deserve to be on this list. I'm just including it because it actually features the immortal line: "Wait, we didn't move into a house two doors down from a murder scene again, did we?"

2. Chernobyl Diaries

Every horror movie cliché that The Cabin in the Woods so skilfully sent up can be found, without a trace of irony, in Chernobyl Diaries. Oren Peli, of Paranormal Activity fame, is credited with the "story", which explains everything.

1. Project X

My worst film of 2012 is also probably the worst film I've ever seen. Project X is a hateful mess of found footage and bullying. It hates gay people, women, animals, you, your mum, everyone. Its message is that it doesn't matter how much of a cunt you are, as long as you're popular. Thank fuck for ParaNorman. 

So that was 2012, what do we have to look forward to in 2013? Well I saw Quartet earlier, and based on that 2013 will be the worst year for films ever. It seems that Dustin Hoffman can act brilliantly but can't direct for shit; he's the anti-Ben Affleck. 

Then there's Tom Hooper's screen version of Les Misérables, though I'm personally holding out for Tobe Hooper's version. Speaking of which, 2013 will give us a load more horror remakes such as Carrie, and infinite unwelcome sequels like The Hangover III. Oh well, at least Arnie's coming back, to resurrect the world of cinema that he played such a large part in destroying.

Thanks for reading, I'll leave you with the Cake song that this blog is named after. Enjoy!

Fuck You, I Won't Do What You Tell Me

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is Christmas.

And don't call me Grinch, you're wasting your time. I don't own a dog and I don't speak in rhyme. So here are the 5 worst things about Christmas:

5. The songs: "I don't want a lot for Christmas", sang Mariah Carey, before going on to demand an actual human. That is "a lot", not to mention the legal and moral implications. And then there's the issue of wrapping. If she really doesn't want a lot for Christmas, she should sing: "All I want for Christmas is socks." But Mariah Carey's advocacy of slavery aside, Christmas songs serve only to make the already thoroughly depressing task of Christmas shopping even worse; grudging consumerism to the sound of sleigh bells. There's a reason you don't get sleigh bells in normal songs... they're fucking awful. And the worst thing about Christmas songs is that we have to listen to them. No other time of the year brings such rigidly enforced rules about music. In the interest of fairness, around Halloween the radio and shops and television should exclusively play unlistenable black metal. I'd hate it as much as everyone else, but it'd still be better than Mariah fucking Carey.

4. The adverts: Adverts are bad enough the rest of the year, but they're particularly loathsome at Christmas. It's all creepy supermarket parties, and manipulative sentimentality, and insidious sexism, and dicks being festive dicks, and more fucking sleigh bells.

3. The charity: Wait, hear me out. Charity, obviously, is great. In fact it's one of the best things. It's up there with The Simpsons and Jamiroquai and food. But on the tube I saw a Shelter advert (appeal, whatever) that said: "75,000 children will be homeless this Christmas." What a weird statistic. Presumably those children are homeless the rest of the year as well. That advert makes it sound like these children all have homes normally, but on Christmas day they're all thrown out into the street. Then on Boxing Day they're allowed back inside again. Of course it's really just emotional manipulation; the thought of children being homeless on Christmas seems worse than on any other day of the year. If you're an idiot. 

"Wait, these kids are going to be homeless on Christmas?! That's terrible!"

"Well they're homeless all year round."

"Yeah but... Christmas!"

By invoking Christmas, we're made to feel heartbroken at the thought of these children missing out on all the turkey and presents and the Queen. This emotive message, appealing to our strange cultural values, is more effective than explaining the grim reality of it all. We don't want to hear about all that nastiness, we just want every kid to have the right to eat until they're sick just like Jesus intended. It's this bizarre implication that one day of festive fun makes up for a year spent starving on the street. But obviously this approach works so I'm not complaining. Well, I am... It's just interesting, that we're compelled less by the idea that everyone deserves a roof over their heads and more by the idea that everyone deserves a "Christmas".

2. The homeless: Kidding.

1. The lights: At the beginning of the year, St Albans council decided that 80% of the city's streetlights should be switched off at midnight to save money. It sounds like the start of the most boring horror film ever made. But it does make the walk home from the pub slightly Blair Witch and terrifying. And yet, we still have Christmas lights in the city; what a festive load of fucking joy. Obviously, the important and practical Christmas lights are a much better use of money than the silly, frivolous streetlights with their stupid, trivial way of making sure that people can fucking get home safely. Oh well, hopefully the obnoxiously bright Christmas decorations on the sides of houses can light up the roads.

Thanks for reading, I'll leave you with the festive Rage Against The Machine song from which this blog takes its title. Enjoy!

Black Dog

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is the Church of England rejecting female bishops.

But that's enough of the boring stuff, on to more important matters. I recently wrote a blog about cats who die in horror films, and there's only one thing worse than when a cat dies. No, not when a human dies... when a dog dies.

A dog is a man's best friend, with the possible exception of robots like Siri. So if you want to send a message to someone in a horror film and they don't have a child or email, kill their dog. Because of this bond we have with dogs, they're a good vessel for some easy emotional manipulation or aliens.

So here are my top 5 dogs who die in horror films: (WARNING: Contains spoilers and dead dogs.)

5. The Hills Have Eyes

Wes Craven's exploitation classic features a pair of dogs called Beauty and Beast, convincingly played by Flora and Striker respectively. According to IMDB they've not appeared in anything else since, but considering Craven's success you'd have thought he could throw them a bone. 

Sorry. Anyway, Beauty meets an unpleasant end when she's killed and fed to a girl as punishment. Just like her namesake in Disney's Beauty and the Beast. 

4. Sightseers

I won't spoil Ben Wheatley's new black comedy because it's not out until the 30th. I was lucky enough to see it at Celluloid Screams and I wrote about it here. All I'll say is this: it's brilliant, and there's a brilliant dog death. 

3. Alien³ 

The dog in Alien³ winds up as dead as the Alien franchise, as an Alien bursts out of its stomach. It's horrific stuff, but infinitely more watchable than Prometheus. 

Apparently, their plan to make the Alien was to put a real dog in an Alien costume. They decided against it because it didn't look huge and terrifying like an Alien, more cute and adorable like a dog. It would be difficult to believe that this Alien will be the total destruction of humanity when it's always humping someone's leg.

2. Equilibrium

I know it's not a horror film, but it is one of the worst scenes in anything ever. Maybe it's just me, but the bit where Batman walks off holding that adorable puppy is hilarious. 

Incidentally, that scene was a rejected Andrex advert. They felt that "toss it back in, I'll finish it off" wasn't an appropriate slogan.

1. The Thing

That, from John Carpenter's sci-fi/horror classic, is why you should get pet insurance. And a flamethrower. 

Thanks for reading. Next time - hamsters! I'll leave you with the Led Zeppelin song after which this blog is named, enjoy!