Friday, 8 March 2013

Cold Sweat

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is this film poster.

No not because of Zac Efron, though that doesn't exactly help. It's the way that "SWEATY" is being used as a selling point. Is that something that audiences look for in a film? Are there people out there saying: "The Godfather is alright, but not nearly sweaty enough"? If so, might I suggest pornography.

This is part of a trend of increasingly stupid boasts on movie posters. Look at Movie 43, described by Richard Roeper as "the Citizen Kane of awful."

The idea that a massive cast is somehow virtuous is like bragging: "The most paint ever used in a movie!" or "The loudest film ever!"

Speaking of which... 

You may have seen the poster for the new "comedy" film The Guilt Trip which claims: "THE FIRST MOTHER-SON ROAD MOVIE!" At last, the sub-genre we've all been waiting for has arrived, and in the form of Barbra Streisand and Seth Rogen. If it's a mother-son comedy you're after, I highly recommend the Stallone movie Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot

But it's not just poster boasts that are getting out of hand, film titles themselves are increasingly ridiculous. I'll let these three speak for themselves.

This one just shows a basic misunderstanding of what words mean...

Presumably Part III will be called: Definitely The Last Exorcism This Time Probably.

That's Tom Cruise in some sort of robot suit in my favourite worst titled film ever: All You Need Is Kill. The fact that Cruise went for a curry in St Albans during shooting is a happy bonus.

The Summer Soldier was probably deemed slightly too camp. And as we know, Christopher Nolan brought an end to the camp superhero movie. Mind you, Man of Steel does sound like a gay porno.

Incidentally, we put up with the underwhelming Captain America and Thor films because we knew they were just there to set up Avengers Assemble (talking of shit names). They were placeholder movies, and so we forgave them their mediocrity. But now that Avengers Go For A Coffee has been and gone, our tolerance of distinctly average superhero sequels may become seriously tested.

And while I'm ranting, why do we need the same old-people-singing movie twice in the space of a few weeks? 

If I want to watch a film about old people, I'll go with Dawn of the Dead.

Time for a quick Louise Mensch update: the former MP and social network overlord has turned her Tory hand to fashion blogging. Unsurprisingly, the blog just seems to be pictures of herself, but it has provided me with a new favourite YouTube video.

She was probably going for something like this: 

But it ended up more reminiscent of this:

Thanks for reading my blog looking at some pictures, here's James Brown.

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