Call It Pointless

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are five more of them.

I've been observing your human behaviour for 22 years now, and I'm constantly baffled by how much of it is completely pointless. Here's 5 examples:

5. Fancy dress - The very epitome of forced fun. "You can come to my party but only if you dress as a smurf." Why? It's exactly the same night out but with an extra inconvenience, with the bonus of having to clean blue off all your stuff for the next few months. Fancy dress should only be allowed for small children, when it's cute, or the middle-aged, when it's funny. 

4. Opening curtains - I recently had an epiphany and haven't opened my curtains since. It's a Sisyphian task, opening curtains every morning only to close them again every night. It makes sense for the purpose of letting in sunlight, but there's really no point when you live in the middle of a cloud made up of constant Sheffield rain and industrial smog left over from the 1980s. Now I save literally seconds every day.

3. Dressing smart - That we sometimes have to wear smart clothes is surely just a hangover from the olden days. It doesn't make us work any better, so what's the point? It's just another case of being slightly less comfortable for no good reason. 

2. Wrapping presents - They just get immediately unwrapped again.

1. Not wearing rucksacks - At some point in history, a genius invented the rucksack. Drawing inspiration from the animal kingdom, we could actually carry our worlds upon our backs just like the noble snail and stoic tortoise. This extraordinary invention allowed us to transport heavy goods whilst somehow having both hands free. So we could run, grab and fight zombies should we need too, while all the time carrying our shopping on our backs. And yet there are people out there - and I've seen them - who are so stupid that they insist on neglecting the mighty rucksack, opting instead for a handbag or satchel. Are you insane or just thick? The rucksack is the greatest invention ever and you're wasting everyone's time with your bag which unnecessarily inhibits movement. Are you really so vain that you'd rather use up an entire limb by carrying a handbag or have a satchel swinging against your side as you walk than be caught wearing a rucksack? You might as well be pissing on the grave of the rucksack's great inventor.

Here's Primus.

Sucker Train Blues

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is trains.

I know I've complained about trains before but the other day an incident cemented their place as the world's worst mode of transport, worse even than buses, Megatron and the truck from Duel. Ok maybe not worse than buses.

So I was standing on a train when a seat became free. I went to sit down on it but noticed someone else heading for it. He was considerably older than me, I'd guess around 60, so I stopped to let him take the seat because I am a nice boy. But upon sitting down, the man looked up at me and said: "Not fast enough!"

Now, he clearly hadn't realised that I'd let him take the seat. But that just makes it even worse train etiquette! You don't stick two fingers up at people who miss your bus, or piss on the taxi queue through the window of a cab. I would have no moral qualms about punching that old prick in his stupid old face. 

But obviously I didn't do or say anything, because as I mentioned I am a nice boy. But that means he still thinks he was actually faster than a young (nice) boy. I should have challenged him to a fucking foot race. But instead he'll believe he genuinely beat me to that seat until the day he dies. Which will be relatively soon, so that's some consolation.

Ghostwriter

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are three more of them.

3. My mum was telling me about her friend who sees ghosts - "She knew someone was going to die on a plane once." I challenged her use of the word "knew" from an epistemological standpoint, given that knowledge is a belief which is both true and justified. But intrigued by this obvious load of fucking nonsense, I asked what she meant. 

"She went on a plane and saw death, then later on the flight someone actually died." Apparently my mum's friend is the kid from Final Destination. So I asked what "death" looked like.

"Why does that matter?" my mum replied. Because she saw death! If someone told me they'd seen death, my first question would be, "oh really, what did it look like?" But obviously that hadn't occurred to my mum, whose first question had presumably been, "would you like another biscuit?"

2. Last night I was in a pub talking to a friend who happened to be wearing a hat. A girl came over and said, "can I wear your hat? It matches my dress!" It's always too late that you realise the perfect response, which would have been: "Can he wear your dress? It matches his hat!" or "No, go fuck yourself."

Anyway she proceeded to take the hat despite my friend's protests and put it on her head, at which point I snatched it off her. Why do idiots assume that a stranger wearing a hat is somehow an invitation to take it? It doesn't apply to other items of clothing, like socks or pants. And why do those same idiots assume that my having spiky hair is an invitation for them to touch it? And why do they take my being in a bar, or on a train, or on a bus, as an invitation for them to talk to me?

People moan about the rudeness of the English and their reluctance to talk to strangers but I completely embrace it. I don't want to talk to you unless I know you, and even then I'm not happy about it.

1. I was at the cinema (Only God Forgives, or as I call it, Only Interesting For About Half An Hour) and was constantly distracted by someone who was breathing so loudly that I could hear it from rows away. Breathing! The one thing we all absolutely have to do, all the time. If you can't manage breathing without it sounding like it's fucking killing you then how can you possibly handle life's tougher tasks, like eating or drinking.

Thanks for reading, here's the fantastic RJD2.

Embarrassment

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is embarrassment.

Here, in no particular order, are three instances of me being a fucking idiot:

3. Last week I was at the Edinburgh Fringe which was excellent as ever, except for one exchange that took place when I was trying to buy some tickets. The woman at the desk asked me for my postcode.

"AL4..." I began. She looked at me confused, then started to type and said: "A... L... F... O...?" She was spelling out the number 4. In a postcode. I assumed postcodes must work differently in Scotland and explained that I meant the number 4.

"The number 4?" she asked. "In a first name?"

I contemplated whether to go along with the idea that I had a number in my name in order to save face, but decided it would be best to just admit that I'd misheard her. It really did sound like she said postcode though, which makes me wonder if they just do that to mess with people. Oh and please don't try to work out my address. 

2. This incident gave me a flashback to a similar ordeal that happened years ago. I was in a shop with a friend and the guy asked if I'd like a bag, to which I said: "No thanks." Upon leaving the shop, my friend told me that he'd actually said: "Have a nice day." I have no idea how I misheard that, but he must have thought I was the world's rudest prick. He was only trying to be friendly and I threw it back in his face, albeit inadvertently. Maybe it was the final straw in his increasingly resentful view of humanity and he went home and killed himself. But that's nothing compared to the small amount of embarrassment I felt. 

1. A girl I liked once asked me what I thought of her new jeans and all I could nervously stutter at her was: "They're blue." Nice one, James Bond.

So what have I learnt? That I'm pathetic, and quite possibly deaf. Here's Madness:

All You Need

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are five more of them.

5. Trains: Or more specifically, people on trains. No one wants to be on a train, we're all just getting from A to B so just shut up, leave me alone and fuck off. The amount of people who insist on shouting, taking up multiple seats or listening to their awful music obnoxiously loudly is completely baffling. And I hate those attention-seeking dickheads playing the pianos in St Pancras station, who assume that we must want to listen to them while we try to get on with our depressing lives.

4. "You can't come in, you're wearing shorts.": That's a phrase I hear quite often. But what do they expect me to wear in this weather? Jeans? A dress? I'm heartbroken that your shitty bar is too good for me because I'm wearing shorts, now where will I pay for overpriced drinks and mingle with a bunch of bellends? And they really don't like it if you offer to take the shorts off.

3. Man of Steel: It's the worst of both worlds; all the dumb CGI action of Zach Snyder and the pompous, pretentious, non-sensical dialogue of Christopher Nolan - "Evolution always wins!" What? At one point Zod goes "If you love humans so much..." and I honestly thought he was about to say "...then why don't you marry them?" Plus when I bought the tickets I was told I had to pay extra for the 3D glasses. I explained that I have my own 3D glasses (actually I have about 800 pairs which I deliberately keep in my bag to avoid paying for more) but apparently I still have to buy them. It's bad enough that I have to sit through this boring film, and even worse that I have to do so in headache-o-scope £D, but now I have to pay even more for the privilege and an 801st pair of flimsy light-loss glasses that I'm encouraged to return at the end so they can sell them back to me again next time.

2. All You Need Is Kill: The upcoming Tom Cruise movie has changed its name from the unbelievably stupid All You Need Is Kill to the much more sensible Edge of Tomorrow. This should be good news, but without the charmingly bad title what does it have left? Tom Cruise, that's what. And now there's a vacancy for the year's most terribly titled film, who knows how long it will be before it's filled?

1. The Way Way Back: That was quick. Here's Sublime:

Rise Up

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is this piece of news.

Even with a degree in politics (and philosophy, but the less said about that the better), I only feel comfortable taking a strong political stance when the question seems mind-numbingly obvious. Questions like: Should MPs get a pay rise? There's a head-scratcher; should MPs, who have consistently proven themselves to be untrustworthy and incompetent, have their pay raised above £70,000 during the most savage spending cuts we've ever seen? Wait, let me get my calculator and a pot of coffee, this one's going to take quite some FUCK OFF.

In the background of all this is of course the expenses scandal, from John Prescott using taxpayer's money to repair his toilet seat twice, to John Prescott spending £4,800 a year on food at public expense. As a result, the task of deciding how much MPs should be paid has been handed to the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority, which means that our elected representatives can have their taxpayer-funded cake and eat it too; MPs can go to the press or that bastion of democratic debate Question Time, and announce that they abhor the prospect of a pay rise, while conceding that they have no power over the decision so would have no choice but to reluctantly accept the pay rise anyway. They can score electoral points with their rhetoric, while holding a giant novelty cheque obnoxiously behind their back. It's win-win.

It's a complete false dichotomy that our MPs are to either abuse a system of parliamentary expenses or have a pay rise. As is the idea that without increased pay, they'll have no choice but to take on other jobs and business interests. Here's a novel idea: Pay them the same as other public servants, don't let them have any other employment and don't let them fiddle expenses. You know, like a normal fucking job. 

To be fair to MPs, they probably don't all sit on their arse all day. Unlike, oh I dunno, the Queen, who was recently given a 5% pay rise for doing fuck nothing and making that face. I don't think all MPs are crooks, and I'm sure some of them are genuinely there to make things better for people, such as... well I can't think of any now you put me on the spot. I do, however, think that they're disproportionately wealthy, that they're weird and creepy and that, most importantly, they should be working for us and not the other way round. And if they really need a second home closer to Westminster? Two words: Capsule hotel. 

Travelling Without Moving II: The Heretic

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is when people insist on telling you all the details of their fucking boring holiday (again).

So, I just got back from the USA. Here are the edited highlights of the journal I kept. The word "highlights" here being used loosely, as in: "Here are some highlights from today's local elections."

Day 1

• Flew to New York, managed to avoid being cavity searched in the airport. Result!
• Watched The Look of Love on the plane, here's my review: Lots of naked people. 
• Looking forward to meeting this Fiscal Cliff I keep hearing about. Apparently he never pays for a round.
• Saw this stupid advert on the subway:

Day 2

• Watched the Yankees play a game of rounders.
• Went to 30 Rock!

Day 3

• Enjoyed The Dark Knight boat trip, the Cloverfield subway tour and a go in the pram from Rosemary's Baby.
• No sign of Louise Mensch.

Day 4

• Went to the Natural History Museum where Alex discovered the world's funniest machine:

Day 5

• Got the bus to Washington D.C.
• Saw this great advert:

Day 6

• No sign of President Romney.
• Saw that white house from The West Wing, the building from Midtown Madness 3 and the bloke from Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

Day 7

• Saw the PreCrime building from Minority Report! AKA the Ronald Reagan Building.
• From Reagan to Regan - went to the stairs from The Exorcist! My pilgrimage is complete.

Day 8

• Saw pandas at the zoo.
• Attempted a 1000 piece Beatles jigsaw.

So that was my brief trip to America, based mainly on locations from films and TV shows. I'll leave you with an American sign, an American cat and Tubular Bells.