Sunday, 3 November 2013

Call It Pointless

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are five more of them.

I've been observing your human behaviour for 22 years now, and I'm constantly baffled by how much of it is completely pointless. Here's 5 examples:

5. Fancy dress - The very epitome of forced fun. "You can come to my party but only if you dress as a smurf." Why? It's exactly the same night out but with an extra inconvenience, with the bonus of having to clean blue off all your stuff for the next few months. Fancy dress should only be allowed for small children, when it's cute, or the middle-aged, when it's funny. 

4. Opening curtains - I recently had an epiphany and haven't opened my curtains since. It's a Sisyphian task, opening curtains every morning only to close them again every night. It makes sense for the purpose of letting in sunlight, but there's really no point when you live in the middle of a cloud made up of constant Sheffield rain and industrial smog left over from the 1980s. Now I save literally seconds every day.

3. Dressing smart - That we sometimes have to wear smart clothes is surely just a hangover from the olden days. It doesn't make us work any better, so what's the point? It's just another case of being slightly less comfortable for no good reason. 

2. Wrapping presents - They just get immediately unwrapped again.

1. Not wearing rucksacks - At some point in history, a genius invented the rucksack. Drawing inspiration from the animal kingdom, we could actually carry our worlds upon our backs just like the noble snail and stoic tortoise. This extraordinary invention allowed us to transport heavy goods whilst somehow having both hands free. So we could run, grab and fight zombies should we need too, while all the time carrying our shopping on our backs. And yet there are people out there - and I've seen them - who are so stupid that they insist on neglecting the mighty rucksack, opting instead for a handbag or satchel. Are you insane or just thick? The rucksack is the greatest invention ever and you're wasting everyone's time with your bag which unnecessarily inhibits movement. Are you really so vain that you'd rather use up an entire limb by carrying a handbag or have a satchel swinging against your side as you walk than be caught wearing a rucksack? You might as well be pissing on the grave of the rucksack's great inventor.

Here's Primus.

1 comment:

  1. Ball-bouncingly funny!
    Do I have to prove I'm not a robot?