The Slogan

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are three more of them.

It's time for another month of awful adverts - terrible tagline edition!

1. 

Not only does this Coke advert feature the worst song ever recorded, it also includes one of the worst slogans: 'Taste The Feeling.' Gross. I think 'Tasty Feeling' would have made more sense.

2.

Speaking of not making sense, Stella Artois appear to have adopted the nonsense tagline: 'Be Legacy.' Even worse is the way alcohol adverts are now obsessed with telling us their founder's backstory, as though anyone cares about booze beyond: "Will it get me drunk or not?"

3.

This type of ironic voice-over does cause in me the kind of visceral reaction I associate with Subway, but I also think 'Keep Discovering' is a blatantly bad slogan for a sandwich shop. In fact it's probably the worst possible slogan for a sandwich shop, except maybe: 'Our sandwiches are full of blood.'

I'll leave you with Somewhere in the Between by Streetlight Manifesto, an album celebrating its 10th anniversary and still one of my favourites.

Fried Neckbones

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are five more of them.

I'm talking about adverts again. But aren't there worse things to be worrying about? Yes.

1. 

I'm no advertising expert, but I have seen every episode of Mad Men, and I'm pretty sure it's a bad idea to keep repeating that there are chicken beaks in your food. What I take away from that advert isn't the actor pretending to be a 'food quality inspector', but the thought that there are definitely 100% guaranteed chicken feet in McNuggets.

2.

Similarly, I'd avoid phrases like "We are thoughtless" or "We are cruel" when trying to make people trust me with their money. Just a thought.

3.

I couldn't find the particularly awful Dove advert I was looking for, but this one suggesting that you can shower in 13 seconds is either very stupid or aimed solely at Quicksilver from the X-Men.

4.

There's something not quite right about this one. I can't put my finger on it. Is it the eerie sci-fi music? The creepy whispered voice-over? Oh I know, it's because it's an advert about HEATING CHILDREN'S ARSES.

5.

And the award for the world's most cynical advert goes to Amazon Prime! Congratulations Amazon, you win a trophy full of sick.

Here's Santana.

3 To 1

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is people making the same tedious observation about 2016 being a bit rubbish.

Speaking of things no one cares about, here (in no particular order) are my top 3 albums of 2016.

The Mountain Will Fall - DJ Shadow

This year I got to see one of my musical heroes play live, and DJ Shadow did not disappoint. In fact he was one of the best live acts I've ever seen, with incredible visuals surrounding him. I even shook his hand, so if anyone wants to touch my hand in turn please do let me know. Shadow's new album The Mountain Will Fall sees the trip-hop pioneer continue to push himself into new realms of electronic music, with hip-hop, jazz and euphoria vying for space on the record. The album also gave us one of the best music videos of the year:

Gore - Deftones

In 2016 I finally got to see Deftones, and they also turned out to be one of the best live acts I've ever experienced. Their music is bludgeoning, beautiful and completely transcendent, all illusatrated on their new album Gore. Not only is the opening cut Prayers/Triangles an amazing way to start an album, the track Doomed User is one of the best songs they've ever recorded. I still don't have a clue what Chino Moreno is singing about most of the time, but I can highly recommend running while listening to Deftones; it's like being chased by wraiths.

Three - Blue Man Group

It was always my dream to become a Blue Man (like my other hero, Tobias Fünke) or one of their neon-clad drummers. They're best known for their internationally phenomenal live shows that combine music, comedy and technology to explore a variety of ideas, including otherness as represented by these blue-skinned outsiders. But they also produce highly innovative studio records using many musical instruments of their own invention, often involving hitting PVC pipes to create a strange, melodic, percussive sound. Three is so-called because it's their third album and the Blue Men always appear in threes, and it features more of the same rhythmic alien rock. Enjoy!

The Eleven

"Nobody likes jazz that much... even the guy playing it had to take drugs!"

As you know, I love everything in the world, with the exception of three things. One of those things that I love is songs in 11/8 (or 11/4).

Where would we be without the number 11? Danny Ocean would be bereft of a crew. Spinal Tap's amps would have nowhere to go. [Insert football player - do not forget to come back to this] would have to run around with a different number on his football jersey. But most of all, we'd be without these 5 groovy songs written in the time signature 11/8 (or 11/4) just to be difficult.

Eleven Four - The Dave Brubeck Quartet (1962)

With the possible exception of Stephen Hawking, nobody knows time like Dave Brubeck. The cool-jazz pioneer seemed allergic to straightforward time signatures, resulting in classics like Take Five (which is a pun) and saxophonist Paul Desmond's Eleven Four (which is not).

Eleven - Primus (1991)

This typically disonant track by bass-driven avant-garde rock band Primus showcases Les Claypool's muscular bass riffs, Tim "Herb" Alexander's rolling drum beats and Larry LaLonde's screaming guitar work, with non-conformist lyrics and time signatures.

I Say a Little Prayer - Aretha Franklin (1968)

Although originally recorded by Dionne Warwick, it's Aretha Franklin's version that reigns supreme thanks to soulful vocals and melodic arrangements. The chorus uses an 11-count, proving that it's not just for pretentious jazz and druggy metal.

Whipping Post - The Allman Brothers Band (1971)

I think this blog is really about my music taste being all over the place. In any case, Gregg Allman's blistering Whipping Post riff is written in 11/4 and is well worth a listen if you have 23 minutes to spare. No? Fair enough.

The Eleven - Grateful Dead (1969)

Because I'm incapable of writing a blog or holding a conversation without mentioning the Grateful Dead, check out the scorching beauty of this psychedelic masterpiece and its trippy lyrics. I'm not entirely sure what a "jingle bell rainbow" is, but I'd very much like to find out. 

An honourable mention goes to Hey Ya! by OutKast (2003), for being (presumably) the only number 1 single with an 11-count. The Mario Kart 64 (1996) results screen music also demonstrates the versatility of my favourite time signature. 

A better blogger would have listed 11 examples. Or at least published this blog on the 8th November. Or even just explained what 11/8 actually means. But ironically, I don't have time.

   

It doesn't make any sense!

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is adverts that don't make any sense. 

No, we do not get dressed every day. We're not in the army.

No, we have not forgotten about TalkTalk's mass negligence. And no amount of pandering is going to trick us.

No, Adam and Toni are not taking part in a social experiment. They're taking part in an advert.

Here's Kyuss. 

Sick Sad Lidl World

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are three more of them.

This year, cinema adverts have been almost as bad as the films themselves. For example...

1. 

This one annoys me because he abandons his car in the middle of a traffic jam. Red Bull might give you wings but clearly not brains.

2. 

I think I remember going to that club when I was at uni.

3. 

Lidl are doing a series of passive-aggressive adverts in which fake customers pretend to voice concerns about the origin of the company's produce, only to have the supermarket wake them up at some ungodly hour, send them out to sea and confront them to prove a point. I'm trying to get involved:

I'm concerned about where @Lidl get their Panda Cola. I hope it's not from real pandas.

— Dan Meier (@MiniMeier) September 12, 2016

Here's Incubus.

Digging In Your Nails

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is goop (((again) again) again).

It was with mixed feelings, therefore, that I read last month's news that Oscar-winning pseudoscientist Gwyneth Paltrow was separating (though she'd probably call it "consciously uncoupling") from her crypto-fascist lifestyle website goop. 

On the one hand, this will likely result in less bullshit, and a reduction in the amount of bullshit in the world can only be a good thing. On the other hand, what am I going to blog about now?!

Does this spell the end for articles such as this piece calling for yoga to be taught in schools? It actually gave me a flashback to the time my PSHE teacher tried to make us meditate as part of an ill-advised "relaxation" session, which my friend Shaun and I failed to take seriously and ended up having to write sarcastic letters of apology to the teacher. "We are sorry we were too relaxed during Tuesday's meditation lesson..."

Or this article about nail beauty for children, which starts with the unbelievable sentence: "It’s the rare child—male or female, beauty-involved or beauty-indifferent, young or old—that isn’t delighted by a pedicure or manicure."

Admittedly, everything I know about kids could fit on a child's fingernail, but I'm sure children don't care about their nails. Why do you think they're always biting them? It's not for the taste. For a child, it's hard to imagine a worse day than a trip to a Beverley Hills manicurist, followed by an hour of yoga and then all back to Gwyneth's for a gluten-free dairy-free shepherd's pie. 

But gp lives in a bizarro world, and I might just find that I miss my weekly window into her organic cauliflower brain.

Here's Big D and the Kids Table.