Mistress of the Salmon Salt

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is goop ((again) again).

It's time for another round-up of bullshit from everyone's favourite former actor, spiritual guide and pseudoscientist, who doesn't appear in the new Captain America movie as she and Tony Stark have consciously uncoupled.

A few years ago, it was reported that the company was hemorrhaging money (the same company that gave Gwyneth a £350,000 salary plus an interest-free loan of £29,200). Since then, every article has been a barely concealed advert. For instance, this piece about a $700 juicer, which opens with the line: "Mention at-home juicing to anyone who’s really tried it and the first thing that inevitably comes up is the nightmare of clean-up." Unless you put the lid down.

Next, goop helpfully provides some Mother's Day gift ideas, ranging from $650 slippers to a $10,500 bracelet (above). You know, for Mother's Day. 

Some of the other items in the goop shop include a $73 wooden spoon and 1oz of salt for $10 (left).

The bullshit continues with this enlightening piece about beauty companies who chant and play music to their skincare products. Why? I have no idea. But goop is convinced, inviting us to "consider the fact that people bless food all the time," as though that makes it anything other than certifiably insane. 

GP has form for this sort of thing, having previously championed the idea that being mean to water can affect its molecular structure. So it's not the first time her risible beliefs have landed her in hot water (sorry).

I'll leave you with Blue Öyster Cult. Try playing it to your exfoliating cream.

Our Shadows Taller Than Arseholes

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are three more of them... music edition!

1. The cunts suing Led Zeppelin for supposedly plagiarising Stairway to Heaven. All songs are based on other songs, and whatever Led Zeppelin took, they turned it into something new and set a new fucking standard in rock music. In any case, the people suing are the Spirit guitarist's family, so they had no creative involvement whatsoever. Trying to rinse money from a song that's brought so much joy to the world is just greedy, but doing so when you have literally nothing to do with it is pathetic. Mind you, I remember the Olympics when Jimmy Page was on that London bus with Leona Lewis, so I feel I'm owed some compensation too.

2. Jukebox musicals. It's a hack observation, but the idea of creating a show based entirely around someone else's songs strikes me as the height of laziness. I have no interest in seeing the songs of The Kinks sung by people who aren't The Kinks, strung together with a vague nod towards a story. I say this as someone who's sat through both The Commitments and Mamma Mia! During the latter, I preempted every song by saying "ooh, ABBA" in mock surprise. It was really funny. And then it wasn't. And then it was again. 

3. People who insist that music was best when they were young. What, you think it's just a massive coincidence that the best period of music happened to coincide with the time that your tastes were forming, or you were listening to the radio and watching Top of the Pops, or regularly buying the NME? It seems small-minded and arrogant to ignore the enormous history of music and buy into such an unlikely coincidence. Especially as the people in question generally grew up in the '90s. 

Plus Plus

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are three more of them. 

Adverts, that is.

1.

This bizarre corporate tie-in attempts to simultaneously advertise an airline and a horrible film, and fails drastically at both. Batman v Superman? Paint v the Drying Process.

2.

Now with added shitness. Call me cynical, but I don't want my bank being cute at me.

3.

There's something deeply depressing about this one. Maybe it's the awful advert music, or maybe it's the idea that we're doomed to live and die in cars like some wretched Ballardian nightmare.

Here's German funk band Poets of Rhythm!

A Toast

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is goop (again).

Welcome back to goop-watch, where I share some of the wisdom found in this week's Gospel according to Gwyneth.

The key to a great toast? Being friends with famous writers! 

This enlightening article on giving speeches begins: "We’ve all been there: Cringing through an endless, or obnoxious, or embarrassing, or inappropriate, or just plain self-absorbed toast." Though I'm pretty sure it was meant to say "Oscar speech."

Then Nurse Jackie alumna Liz Flahive gives some advice on making a speech, though if it's anything like Nurse Jackie it'll amount to starting strongly and soon petering out.

"Avocado toast will always be a diet essential."

The toast theme continues with a recipe for avocado toast. But not just any avocado toast. This avocado toast is "superpowered", so expect to see it in the next Iron Man film, sprinkled with Pepper Potts. Apparently, it will give you "great skin - inside & out." Whatever that means.

Join me next time on goop-watch for more crypto-fascist recipes. Until then, here's A Toast by Malcolm Middleton and David Shrigley, which really says it all.

Skinned

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is goop.

As you'll know if you follow me on twitter or in real life, I'm slightly obsessed with Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle website / Hollywood cult magazine, and thought I'd share with you a couple of the insights gleaned from this week's issue.

Drink stewed animal bones

According to goop, "bone broth is a magic superfood" - simply simmer your leftover animal bones for 36 hours and enjoy. This is actually one of many dietary habits that Hollywood A-listers share with the Texas Chain Saw family. 

According to Gwyneth's friends in the bone broth industry, "all the science isn't there yet" and "people who are concerned about lead poisoning from bone broth often point to a 2013 study that has several flaws." So that's reassuring.

Rub your skin with a dry brush

Scrubbing the body using "a soft but firm brush" not only stimulates the lymphatics, it also "sweeps away dead skin cells." I'd argue that the same is probably true of steel wool, but I thought Lymphatics was a character from Asterix, so what do I know?

They recommend brushes made from "medium soft cactus bristles", available for a mere $39 from the goop store - in so many ways a shop for pricks.

Join me next time on goop-watch for more terrifying tips. In the meantime, here's Blind Melon. 

Album(s) of the Year

Headline of the year

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is 2015.

Everyone lying about not voting Conservative, the return of Coldplay, Terminator Genisys... but at least we've had some good music. Here, in no particular order, are my top 3 albums of 2015:

Sol Invictus - Faith No More

Faith No More's first album in 18 years did not disappoint. 10 great tracks showcasing the band's gloomy heavy riffs, odd time signatures and Mike Patton's incredible voice, which has lost none of it power - while his brilliant lyrics cover topics ranging from leprechauns to motherfuckers.

To Pimp a Butterfly - Kendrick Lamar

An album that's sure to top many people's lists, To Pimp a Butterfly is a game-changing hip-hop record - politically potent and musically challenging. Obama called the track How Much a Dollar Cost? his favourite song of the year. Too bad he also features on the new Coldplay album.

Division of Spoils - The Flatliners 

This one isn't really an album, it's a collection of b-sides and rarities - but it's my blog so fuck off. Get your own blog. Stretching from their ska/punk beginnings to their contemporary punk sound, the record compiles 23 superb tracks from Canada's finest export since William Shatner.

Christmas Shopping at the All Night Garage

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are three more of them.

Once a year is way too frequent for Christmas. They should make it every four years, like the World Cup or leap years. It would make Christmas feel more special, make me feel less angry, and (most importantly) reduce the number of horrible Christmas adverts. Here are three more awful ads, and some of the questions they raise.

Motorbike?

"The unexpected bank"? Isn't being "unexpected" quite bad for a bank? Isn't that what caused all this financial mess?

Then why do they taste like that?

Here's Joe Cornish's All Night Garage from Adam & Joe's Song Wars!