There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is adverts. Again. Again.
I'll stop complaining about them when they stop being so shit. I spend a lot of my time at the cinema, where I see the same handful of adverts blasted at me every time, before I finally get to watch Chernobyl Diaries and then go home thoroughly depressed.
So here are the 5 worst adverts currently shown at the cinema:
5. Sony Ericsson Xperia
Why the fuck would we want children to explain the workings of electronics to us in adverts? Children are idiots, famously. No, Jake Ryan (age 8), we DO know what's inside that device. Apparently Wes Anderson directed that advert, because that's what a Sony Ericsson ad needs; whimsy. Forced, desperate, tedious, irritating, crushing whimsy. Jake Ryan (age 8) probably got one of those phones for free as well, and would have tried to eat it or something. Ditto Wes Anderson.
Partly because of "British" being used as a selling point, but mainly because of the music; that kind of boring fucking guitar noise that sounds like it was written by someone who has never had fun in their life. I call it "Ad-Rock".
3. From the Red Carpet
These are on every time and the film in question changes disappointingly rarely; at the moment it's a particularly hateful one about Snow Shite and the Cuntsman. But this is the worst one that's on YouTube, and while not really an advert it deserves its place on this list. It's part film trailer, part M&Ms advert, all fucking awful. I've not wanted to inflict such graphic and twisted pain upon two colourful pieces of confectionary since Jedward. They also somehow managed to find the only human in the world who is less lifelike than the M&Ms. That said, it's quite fun to watch esteemed actors try desperately to talk up films that they know are absolute shit; "There's a lot of... humour." "It's very... big." "I think it's a very... brave directorial attempt by Madonna."
2. VW Polo
This would-be Christmas advert tries so hard to be emotionally manipulative that it ends up feeling weirdly creepy, and would be infinitely improved if the car burst into flames as she drives away at the very end. Also note the unrelentingly fucking dreary music and dad's swallowing-acting at 1:21.
1. University of Lincoln
Ok I admit it, I love this advert, just for the sarcastic pompousness and ridiculous grandeur. No offence Lincoln, but you're no Mars University. It looks like something from Brass Eye, and you just have to admire the audacity of getting that shown in cinemas. Fuck it, let's watch it again!
Thanks for reading, maybe next blog won't be about adverts, but I'm not promising anything... I'll leave you with the System of a Down song that the title of this blog comes from, enjoy!