Saturday, 9 June 2012

Advertising's Got You On The Run

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is adverts. Again.

I know I've talked about adverts before and that it's lazy and boring.

So, adverts. I got so annoyed about seeing them on TV that I stopped watching it, and turned instead to the internet. But, here's the weird thing, they have adverts here as well! The wild-eyed hunch-backed parasites who make adverts have ventured out of their castles made of money and posters of Jon Hamm for long enough to see that, actually, the internet is pretty popular. As a result, you can't watch a stupid YouTube video or write an abusive  Facebook comment without someone telling you to buy something, or sign up somewhere, or sell your organs to someone. Here are 5 adverts that make you wish that the internet would explode, killing everyone in an almighty blast of kittens, tweets and pornography.


Wow! What a bunch of cunts! What would Don Draper say if you suggested the slogan "Shoot Wow! Share Now!" 

Draper punch


I got this Zizzi advert as an email, and I've been sat here for days and days wondering if there's something I'm missing. "A game of two offers." Surely it can't just be a play on the phrase "a game of two halves." Because that DOESN'T FUCKING WORK. "A game of two offers." I'm still confused. I've been staring at it for what seems like a lifetime. I haven't slept, I haven't eaten, I've just been reading it, again and again and again. I won't get that time back. In that time, I could have cured cancer, or written a beautiful novel, or (perhaps more likely) watched Peep Show for the thousandth time. "A game of two offers." I don't understand...


I listen to a lot of brilliant, free podcasts, and I don't mind hearing the occasional advert if it means they stay free. But the Absolute Radio podcasts seem to have gone out of their way to intentionally make my ears bleed. PayasUgym. I don't know what the rest of the advert says, just because my brain hears "payasUgym" and deploys a painfully high-pitched screeching tone as a form of defence mechanism.


Facebook never ceases to be a source of self-mutilation levels of anger, and amongst the pictures of people trying desperately to convince the internet that they're having a great time (such a great time that they just had to take a photo and upload it to Facebook just in case anyone was in any doubt over just how great a time they were having), are adverts. And even worse, they're targeted adverts, so they use an ingenious algorithm, which studies my online activity, pinpoints all my interests, and works out exactly what it is that I need.

No actually Facebook, I don't "Need local Digger." But thanks anyway.

No actually Facebook, I don't "Need local Pest Control". But thanks anyway. And thanks also for resisting the temptation to put a mangled, bloodied rodent in that mousetrap.

Actually I quite like this one, because it looks like it's just an advert for the fact that there are some girls on Facebook.


So I'm trying to watch Peep Show for the thousandth time, when this comes on; it appears to be an advert for mothers. "Now thank your mum." No I won't, bossy advert. "Proud sponsor of Mums"? It's so confusing it makes that Zizzi advert seem positively sensible. This just makes me want to cut off the hands of everyone in the advert so that when they try to make that heart shape, they just bump their stumps together while crying and bleeding everywhere. I hate all mums.

Thanks for reading, the title of this blog is from the System of a Down song Chic N' Stu, with which I will leave you. Enjoy! Oh, and this blog is sponsored by Mums.