There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is Skins.
As it returns soon for its 74th series, I sent the following email to Channel 4.
Dear Channel 4,
It has come to my attention that your pro-abortion campaign show Skins is returning soon, so I thought I'd share with you my 10 ideas for Skins storylines. They might come in useful if ever the Skins writers forget their weird dreams before they have time to write them down. I should also add that I don't watch Skins, so have had to guess names and things.
1. Sam "STD" Davis fails his driving test for trying to smoke the car's exhaust pipe.
2. One of the infamous Skins parties is shut down by police due to the amount of semi-naked children in attendance.
3. The Skins gang are on their way to see the band Enter Shikari live, when their bus explodes, killing them all in a painful, fiery death.
4. Roxxxie fails to pay back her unstable drug dealer, who is also her boyfriend, so as punishment he welds her BlackBerry® to her hand permanently; directed by David Cronenberg.
5. The Skins gang stop taking hallucinogenic drugs for long enough to see that in reality they are a bunch of boring fucking borderline rapists.
6. Suzzzie comes out as a lesbian, then decides she's straight after all, then changes her mind again, then goes back to being straight, then turns into a cat and gets run over.
7. The Skins gang, having snorted every single possession including money and laptops, are forced into abject poverty and finally have something real to whine about. Starving and desperate, Sam is the first to be killed and eaten...
8. Crazy Dave sleeps with a prostitute and contracts a bizarre STI which makes him wake up in a cold sweat and furiously itchy in the middle of the night, but inside MySpace.
9. Johnny The Cunt has a particularly heavy night and wakes up with a broken wrist, which he sustained while fisting someone, and a severe hangover. He realises that he's late for his art exam (because he's arty). Due to his wrist injury, he has to draw using his left hand and as a result repeatedly snaps the lead of the 80 pencils he gets through. His unsettled stomach leads to him "expressing himself" all over the canvas. He gets an A*, but is left a forever shaking wreck scarred with debilitating mental illness.
10. Skidmark's ego grows to the point of self-awareness and becomes a new character.
But hey, 30 Rock is back tonight! I'll leave you with the Incubus song that this blog is named after. Enjoy!