Just Another Tory

As you know, I love everything in the world, with the exception of three things. One of those things that I love is this piece of news. 

That's right, the men and women (but mainly men) who run this country all squeezed into a very old room and decided, admirably and decisively, that the Tories are homophobic. Oh and that gay people should be legally allowed to own pets, or something.

It's genuinely rare that we can look upon a piece of legislation and confidently call it progress, whatever that word means. But here it seems that we can, so congratulations to the MPs who actually represent the thoroughly cool and groovy people of Britain. And I'm glad David Cameron doesn't seem too shaken up by Michael Winner's death, I know he was a big fan of those car insurance adverts.

What I don't understand, though, is why around half of the Conservatives voted against the bill. It was always going to pass, so you might as well just pretend, just for one vote, that you're not an awful bigot. By opposing gay marriage, not only are you going to piss off David Cameron and the party command, you're also revealing to the world just how out of touch and lacking in compassion you truly are, Anne Main (St Albans). This vote revealed the limited nature of the Tory party's "modernisation", with 136 voting against compared to 127 in favour. With their archaic values still very much alive and well, it's clear that gay marriage passed despite the Conservatives, not because of them.

And speaking of Tories, it looks like everybody's favourite crypto-fascist vanity project is coming to an end. Yes, Menshn, which is NOT named after Louise Mensch, is set to close after about 8 months of no one giving a fuck. In a hilarious blog, Luke Bozier explains that Louise Mensch, who DIDN'T name Menshn after herself, might not be the easiest person to work with. So there's a shock.

Well that's gay marriage and Menshn wrapped up, my blog really has nothing more to offer. Especially as 30 Rock has ended too. At least we still have Jamiroquai. When they split up we're really fucked.

End of the Movie

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is the year 2012.

The Jubilee, the Olympics, that cold the Queen had... 2012 is the year that turned the UK into a bunch of sycophantic idiots, and I'm glad it's over. In fact, if the Queen getting a cold is such a big deal, is giving her part of Antarctica really the best idea? They should just try to use the state poverty fund to heat Buckingham palace. Again. Meanwhile, the Archbishop of Westminster used his Christmas message to attack gay marriage. Ho ho homophobic fucking cunt.

That's why I spent the year in the relative sanity of the cinema. In 2012, Iron Man, Hulk, Thor and those other ones finally all assembled (Oh I understand that stupid name now), Peter Jackson showed us the true magic of cinema by tricking people into thinking they'd seen a proper film, and Tom Hardy did a voice. But here are my best and worst films of 2012:

THE BEST

5. ParaNorman

There were a few horror-themed family films this year; Hotel Transylvania was decent enough considering it starred Adam Sandler, and I didn't see Frankenweenie because I've not forgiven Tim Burton for this:

That's the scariest thing Tim Burton will ever do. But if you're after a stop-motion, family-friendly horror film made by people who aren't friends with David Cameron, look no further than the wonderful ParaNorman, which I reviewed here. It's lovingly crafted and tells us that horror films don't have to be nasty and cruel, but are actually rooted in compassion. Take note, Citadel (in cinemas 2013).

4. Headhunters

Adapted from a Jo Nesbø novel, this Norwegian thriller is smartly plotted and nicely designed, much like this year's other fantastic Jo Nesbø adaptation Jackpot. But don't just take my word for it; Mark Wahlberg described Headhunters as "awesome". Hence why he's remaking it. Because in Hollywood, when you see something you like, you change it. 

3. The Cabin in the Woods

Making a good double-bill with ParaNorman, Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard provide a clever deconstruction of the modern horror movie that's as joyously fun as it is seriously scathing. The Cabin in the Woods, like the other great postmodern horror film Scream, has its cake and eats it too, playfully toying with all the tropes that it's targeting. Call me crazy, but I reckon that Joss Whedon is going places...

2. The Raid

Hollywood action films were predictably disappointing this year (2012 will forever be remembered as the year that The Expendables 2 and The Grey were both infinitely better than the new Bourne movie), so let's look instead to Indonesia. The Raid features the most bone-crackingly stunning martial arts choreography I've ever seen, and lots of it. It was also the first of a slew of movies this year to be set in tower blocks; the 3D Dredd suffered in comparison while the aptly titled Tower Block was a very neat British thriller. 

1. Sightseers

My favourite film of 2012 was the magnificent Sightseers, thanks to its impressive direction by Ben Wheatley and hilarious writing and performances from Alice Lowe and Steve Oram. Darkly funny, often brutal and weirdly sweet, Sightseers is Guts in May. Plus there's a great dog death, which helps.

THE WORST

5. Piranha 3DD

Loud, boring, sexist... but enough about Boris Johnson. Piranha 3DD is a film whose fucking awful title may actually be its strongest aspect, though as Alex points out, they should have just called it Fish 'N' Tits. It's stupid, it hates its audience and it even steals from other horror films. ParaNorman and The Cabin in the Woods reference other horror films. Piranha 3DD steals from them. 

4. For a Good Time, Call...

If any film could benefit from having all its characters killed off one by one by mutant piranhas, it's this.

3. Sinister

Ok so Sinister doesn't actually deserve to be on this list. I'm just including it because it actually features the immortal line: "Wait, we didn't move into a house two doors down from a murder scene again, did we?"

2. Chernobyl Diaries

Every horror movie cliché that The Cabin in the Woods so skilfully sent up can be found, without a trace of irony, in Chernobyl Diaries. Oren Peli, of Paranormal Activity fame, is credited with the "story", which explains everything.

1. Project X

My worst film of 2012 is also probably the worst film I've ever seen. Project X is a hateful mess of found footage and bullying. It hates gay people, women, animals, you, your mum, everyone. Its message is that it doesn't matter how much of a cunt you are, as long as you're popular. Thank fuck for ParaNorman. 

So that was 2012, what do we have to look forward to in 2013? Well I saw Quartet earlier, and based on that 2013 will be the worst year for films ever. It seems that Dustin Hoffman can act brilliantly but can't direct for shit; he's the anti-Ben Affleck. 

Then there's Tom Hooper's screen version of Les Misérables, though I'm personally holding out for Tobe Hooper's version. Speaking of which, 2013 will give us a load more horror remakes such as Carrie, and infinite unwelcome sequels like The Hangover III. Oh well, at least Arnie's coming back, to resurrect the world of cinema that he played such a large part in destroying.

Thanks for reading, I'll leave you with the Cake song that this blog is named after. Enjoy!

Fuck You, I Won't Do What You Tell Me

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is Christmas.

And don't call me Grinch, you're wasting your time. I don't own a dog and I don't speak in rhyme. So here are the 5 worst things about Christmas:

5. The songs: "I don't want a lot for Christmas", sang Mariah Carey, before going on to demand an actual human. That is "a lot", not to mention the legal and moral implications. And then there's the issue of wrapping. If she really doesn't want a lot for Christmas, she should sing: "All I want for Christmas is socks." But Mariah Carey's advocacy of slavery aside, Christmas songs serve only to make the already thoroughly depressing task of Christmas shopping even worse; grudging consumerism to the sound of sleigh bells. There's a reason you don't get sleigh bells in normal songs... they're fucking awful. And the worst thing about Christmas songs is that we have to listen to them. No other time of the year brings such rigidly enforced rules about music. In the interest of fairness, around Halloween the radio and shops and television should exclusively play unlistenable black metal. I'd hate it as much as everyone else, but it'd still be better than Mariah fucking Carey.

4. The adverts: Adverts are bad enough the rest of the year, but they're particularly loathsome at Christmas. It's all creepy supermarket parties, and manipulative sentimentality, and insidious sexism, and dicks being festive dicks, and more fucking sleigh bells.

3. The charity: Wait, hear me out. Charity, obviously, is great. In fact it's one of the best things. It's up there with The Simpsons and Jamiroquai and food. But on the tube I saw a Shelter advert (appeal, whatever) that said: "75,000 children will be homeless this Christmas." What a weird statistic. Presumably those children are homeless the rest of the year as well. That advert makes it sound like these children all have homes normally, but on Christmas day they're all thrown out into the street. Then on Boxing Day they're allowed back inside again. Of course it's really just emotional manipulation; the thought of children being homeless on Christmas seems worse than on any other day of the year. If you're an idiot. 

"Wait, these kids are going to be homeless on Christmas?! That's terrible!"

"Well they're homeless all year round."

"Yeah but... Christmas!"

By invoking Christmas, we're made to feel heartbroken at the thought of these children missing out on all the turkey and presents and the Queen. This emotive message, appealing to our strange cultural values, is more effective than explaining the grim reality of it all. We don't want to hear about all that nastiness, we just want every kid to have the right to eat until they're sick just like Jesus intended. It's this bizarre implication that one day of festive fun makes up for a year spent starving on the street. But obviously this approach works so I'm not complaining. Well, I am... It's just interesting, that we're compelled less by the idea that everyone deserves a roof over their heads and more by the idea that everyone deserves a "Christmas".

2. The homeless: Kidding.

1. The lights: At the beginning of the year, St Albans council decided that 80% of the city's streetlights should be switched off at midnight to save money. It sounds like the start of the most boring horror film ever made. But it does make the walk home from the pub slightly Blair Witch and terrifying. And yet, we still have Christmas lights in the city; what a festive load of fucking joy. Obviously, the important and practical Christmas lights are a much better use of money than the silly, frivolous streetlights with their stupid, trivial way of making sure that people can fucking get home safely. Oh well, hopefully the obnoxiously bright Christmas decorations on the sides of houses can light up the roads.

Thanks for reading, I'll leave you with the festive Rage Against The Machine song from which this blog takes its title. Enjoy!

Black Dog

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is the Church of England rejecting female bishops.

But that's enough of the boring stuff, on to more important matters. I recently wrote a blog about cats who die in horror films, and there's only one thing worse than when a cat dies. No, not when a human dies... when a dog dies.

A dog is a man's best friend, with the possible exception of robots like Siri. So if you want to send a message to someone in a horror film and they don't have a child or email, kill their dog. Because of this bond we have with dogs, they're a good vessel for some easy emotional manipulation or aliens.

So here are my top 5 dogs who die in horror films: (WARNING: Contains spoilers and dead dogs.)

5. The Hills Have Eyes

Wes Craven's exploitation classic features a pair of dogs called Beauty and Beast, convincingly played by Flora and Striker respectively. According to IMDB they've not appeared in anything else since, but considering Craven's success you'd have thought he could throw them a bone. 

Sorry. Anyway, Beauty meets an unpleasant end when she's killed and fed to a girl as punishment. Just like her namesake in Disney's Beauty and the Beast. 

4. Sightseers

I won't spoil Ben Wheatley's new black comedy because it's not out until the 30th. I was lucky enough to see it at Celluloid Screams and I wrote about it here. All I'll say is this: it's brilliant, and there's a brilliant dog death. 

3. Alien³ 

The dog in Alien³ winds up as dead as the Alien franchise, as an Alien bursts out of its stomach. It's horrific stuff, but infinitely more watchable than Prometheus. 

Apparently, their plan to make the Alien was to put a real dog in an Alien costume. They decided against it because it didn't look huge and terrifying like an Alien, more cute and adorable like a dog. It would be difficult to believe that this Alien will be the total destruction of humanity when it's always humping someone's leg.

2. Equilibrium

I know it's not a horror film, but it is one of the worst scenes in anything ever. Maybe it's just me, but the bit where Batman walks off holding that adorable puppy is hilarious. 

Incidentally, that scene was a rejected Andrex advert. They felt that "toss it back in, I'll finish it off" wasn't an appropriate slogan.

1. The Thing

That, from John Carpenter's sci-fi/horror classic, is why you should get pet insurance. And a flamethrower. 

Thanks for reading. Next time - hamsters! I'll leave you with the Led Zeppelin song after which this blog is named, enjoy!

Soul For Sale

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is adverts. Again. Again. Again.

Yesterday's blog was much too long and serious, so today I'm just going to briefly moan about some more adverts. Here are the three most annoying adverts I saw at the cinema yesterday before Hotel Transylvania (s'alright).

3. Jameson Whiskey:

I can't find the advert I mean online, but you'll have seen it if you've ever looked at a screen for longer than about 0.08 seconds at any time in the last 20 years or so. This is the previous one:

I don't care if it means the redundancy of thousands of blameless, hardworking employees, I just want Jamesons to fold. And then explode. 

2. Ronald McDonald House Charities:

"Hospitals can be scary places without mum and dad." Especially if there's a big fucking clown in there with you. This manipulative piece of awful is an unashamed exercise in distressing the fuck out of children. "Let's get a cute thing and then make it really sad!" Or replace all the burgers in McDonald's with smoothies and the kids won't have to go into hospital in the first place. Alex pointed out that it's not even asking for donations, it's literally just an advert for McDonald's.

1. Samsung Smart TV:

One question: Why was she flirting so sexually with her TV?

Thanks for reading, I'll leave you with the brilliant song by The Skints that this blog is named after. Enjoy!

I Don't Care(y)

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is Lord Carey.

Sorry to keep going on about gay marriage, but the thing is I know fuck nothing about politics. I mean, I study politics and philosophy, the word "study" here being used in its broadest possible sense. But actually, my only knowledge of politics comes from a combination of TV shows like The Thick of It, comedians like Josie Long and bands like Rage Against the Machine. This means that I rarely feel confident enough to come down strongly on one side of a debate. So when I do, it's because the right thing to do seems so glaringly fucking obvious that even an idiot like me could see it. It's with that in mind that we turn to the man himself; Nicholas Parsons. I mean Lord Carey.

To recap, Lord Carey is the former Archbishop of Canterbury who wants to deny gay people the same rights as him, who responded to Nick Clegg's (completely correct) comments about opponents of gay marriage being "bigots" by claiming to be offended and making Nick Clegg take it back which he did, because our values are so backward that they're seulav.

Then, at a fringe event at the Tory party conference, he compared opponents of gay marriage to the persecuted Jews in Nazi Germany, and the supporters of gay marriage to the Nazis. Now, I'm no expert, but I'm not sure gay rights were particularly high up on the Nazi agenda. In fact now that I think about it, and I may be wrong, but I think, that denying homosexuals their rights was more the Nazis' bag. Obviously I'm not calling Lord Carey a Nazi, because that would be a horribly offensive comparison for anyone to make. What I'm saying is that he's a piece of work. Wait, not work; shit. Lord Carey is a piece of shit.

We have Thatcher to thank for his appointment to the position of Archbishop of Canterbury, and now he is a member (unelected, obviously) of our legislature. This man should not be a Lord, and I'm not even sure if he can pull off "Carey." It's just a misspelling of Carrey, and he's even worse than Jim Carrey. Speaking of which, I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind recently, and the fact that it's Kate Winslet who's so massively revered and Jim Carrey who's so widely ridiculed just adds to my fear that we have everything completely backwards. But where was I? Oh yeah, Lord Carey is a piece of shit. Fun fact: his real name is Lord I. Don't. Carey (about anyone other than myself). And don't get me started on Rowan fucking Williams.

At the same event as Carey's Nazi comments, Ann Widdecombe spoke with all the eloquence that we've come to expect from her, asking: "Is it bigoted to recognise that the complementarity of a man and a woman in a union open to procreation is unique and cannot be replicated by other unions?" Yes. That's exactly what it is.

Speaking of pieces of shit, Jeremy "least qualified man for the job" Hunt recently managed to dribble something about wanting to halve the abortion limit, showing that he has as much respect for women as he does for science. He's the health secretary and he believes in homeopathy. Because fuck you MR. SCIENTIST, with your rigorous peer-reviewed system based on evidence and commitment to the progress of humanity. Incidentally, if you repeatedly dilute Jeremy Hunt, he might drown. So that's worth remembering. 

Anyway, the homeopathic fuckcunt turned his expertise towards the female reproductive system. He claimed that "everyone looks at the evidence", which is a lie because he clearly doesn't, and he concluded that the abortion limit should be shortened to 12 weeks into a pregnancy. The rest of the creepy fucking Silence of the Lambs cabinet rushed to agree with him but denied that there would be a change in the law with a level of fervency that suggests that there will definitely be a change in the law.

Gay people and women people; I do not envy you.

Thank you for reading, the title of this blog is a super smart play on The Roots song with which I will leave you. Enjoy!

Two Years Gone

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is the fact that I've been writing this blog for two years now.

In fact it's exactly two years today, so please humour me as I plunge to whole new levels of self indulgence. It may come as a surprise to learn that a lot of ideas I have for blogs don't actually make it through to completion. "I'd like to see the shit that doesn't make it on to this fucking blog!" I hear you snark. Well be careful what you wish for, because here are my top 5 blogs that never made it.

5. Ideas for films: 

This one was abandoned when I remembered that my imagination isn't good enough to come up with any more than The Humane Centipede (in which they just hold hands) and the plot for The Hangover 3, where they wake up to discover a load of chopped-up dead women in the fridge, and the first person they ask tells them that they murdered lots of women before they even started drinking.

Talking of films, I just saw Sinister which is notable only for some of the most laughably awful exposition dialogue I've ever heard: "Wait, we didn't move into a house two doors down from a murder scene again, did we?" Genuinely.

And talking of terrible names for films, as I was last blog, what the fuck is up with The Perks of Being a Wallflower?

4. More horror movie cat deaths:

Because one blog about cats who die in horror films just isn't enough. But then the only additional one I could remember was the cat in Pet Sematary who's unlucky enough to die twice in the same film. Anyway, it turns out that one blog about cats who die in horror films is definitely enough.

3. My top 5 characters who are in love with sex dolls:

But I could only think of three: Dennis Hopper in River's Edge (not actually Dennis Hopper, but a character), James Franco in 30 Rock (actually James Franco) and Krieger in Archer (well not a sex doll but a hologram. Swings and roundabouts.)

2. There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is Nicholas Parsons:

Abandoned for obvious reasons. Still, he is a cunt.

1. People I've called a cunt in dreams:

Again, there weren't enough instances to form a complete blog. So far the list is just Beyoncé and the cunt from Kasabian.

Thanks for indulging me in what can only be described as "a new low", and for reading my blog at all over the past two years. You insane, beautiful people. The title of this blog is one fifth of the Led Zeppelin song Ten Years Gone. I'll leave you with all five fifths of it, enjoy!