Saturday, 10 March 2012

People = Shit

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is people.

Do I really have to be more specific? Fine, here's three types of people who need to be retired by a Blade Runner.

3. Imagine you're at a party. That's a surprisingly large stretch of the imagination for some of us. You're there at this party, playing with party poppers and eating Party Rings (and remember, if you're at a party and there are no Party Rings, shout: "What? No Party Rings? I thought this was a FUCKING PARTY!" and storm out.) and you get chatting to someone. You're getting on brilliantly, when the conversation turns to music. "What's your favourite band?" you ask, and they reply: "The Beatles."

What do you do?
A) Punch them, or
B) Punch them.

Now don't get me wrong, The Beatles are great. But how boring would you have to be for your favourite band to be The Beatles? As far as I'm concerned, if you have regular access to the internet, you have no excuse for The Beatles being your favourite band.

Again let me clarify, I have nothing against The Beatles. I could just as easily have said Queen or The Killers. We have an incomprehensibly rich tapestry of music at our fingertips, and your favourite band is Queen? Them who did I Want To Break Free?

Or how about this: Imagine the conversation at the party turns to TV and they tell you that their favourite TV show is Friends. Let me stress that I like Friends. But your favourite TV show? Do you realise there are 5 channels now, at least?

It's this drip-feeding of culture that's the problem; people will just accept whatever is waved in front of them the most. When something is widely popular it's because it casts a wide net. Something that broad can't be anyone's favourite. Your favourite band, or TV show, or film, or whatever, ought to say something about you. If your favourite song is Mr. Brightside, all it says about you is that you're not someone I want to be around.

So seek stuff out, don't just lazily wait for something so bland and diluted to drip through the cracks into your living room.

2. Imagine you're at a party. You've walked away from that boring idiot whose nose is broken because he must have walked into a door or something, and you get talking to someone else; picture someone who is confident with themselves. You're picturing a cunt, aren't you?

People don't like overconfidence, and rightly so, because overconfidence is arrogance. But I didn't tell you to picture someone who was overconfident, just someone who was confident. And you pictured a cunt. Because confident people are cunts.

Confidence is celebrated, while self-consciousness is seen as a bad thing. It should be the other way round; I want to reclaim self-consciousness. Because it's about questioning everything, including yourself. Obviously there's nothing wrong with a bit of confidence, but any more than a drop is bad, like with Nando's Extra Extra Hot Sauce, or heroin.

As the wonderful Bertrand Russell said: "The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt." We should always be full of doubt. We should be self-conscious and confused. Because who isn't? Idiots.

I've met confident people, and they are impossible to like. I just think: What happened in your life to make you this sure of yourself, and why has no one ever told you to stop being a dick? In fact, "Stop Being A Dick" is practically my mantra. I should get it tattooed on my arm, along with "Write Essay" and "Go To Bed."

1. Imagine you're at a party. Your confident friend didn't think much of your incoherent rambling about reclaiming self-consciousness, and got bored and wandered off to loudly spout bullshit at anyone who'll listen. So you venture into another insufferable room and get into conversation with someone else. It's going great, when the conversation turns inevitably to TV again. "What's your favourite TV show?" you ask, confident that whatever they say, it'll be better than Friends. You are wrong. They reply: "I don't really watch much TV."

You stare at them as if they've said: "I kill people with a screwdriver." You eat a Party Ring to keep from passing out, and ask them why. "I just never have time." That's when you attempt the first ever murder by party popper.

How fucking arrogant do you have to be to "not have time" to watch TV shows? Three things: Firstly, I am hugely doubtful of that claim. What could you possibly do all day and night that makes you not have time to watch TV? Are you a Superhero? Secondly, you make time to watch TV. When you have a choice between watching TV and something else, you watch TV. The same applies to films. Thirdly, when people say this, they feel superior. It's like this, which I've talked about on here before:

What kind of psychopath would choose that over a thousand hours of TV? These smug, self-satisfied psychopaths. Ironically, I'll stop watching TV just to avoid those army adverts.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't be angry at people who don't watch TV or films. I should give them my pity. If you really are so important that you literally don't have time to watch TV shows or films, then I feel genuinely sorry for you. Because you will never be happy. You don't know how to relax and wind down. You're missing out on some truly incredible work. You'll never see Community or 30 Rock or Six Feet Under or American Horror Story or Peep Show or The Thick Of It. Your life is shit.

You walk away from this beacon of smug, as they stand covered in party popper streamers with a baffled expression on their stupid face. You walk home alone and angry, and try to vent by writing a blog which attempts to justify your inadequate way of life; your sheer laziness and lack of confidence. But it's no use, and the blog ends up sneering and nasty. Exhausted, you fall into bed, dreading tomorrow but longing for sleep. And you can't even manage that.

THANKS FOR READING!!!!!!! I'll leave you with the lovely Slipknot song that this blog is named after, enjoy!


  1. Re: #2. It is NOT a mouth-based videogame.

  2. I'd like to argue the case for not watching TV. Now if you're discussing sitting and watching whatever shit is spewing out of the box, then I'd say I haven't watched TV in a long time (with the exception of when I tried to be cultured and watched something awful called Pramface, but that's not for now). I keep watching shows I already watched online, but I wouldn't label that as "watching TV".

    1. Yeah I mean watching shows, as in, stuff online or on DVD. Actually watching the TV is shit