Not Fucking Around

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is David Cameron.

I was going to write a blog about his 'calm down, dear' incident, but then one thing led to another and it turns out I can't be arsed. But if I'd written something, it would have probably gone something like this.

According to Cameron, the left don't have a sense of humour. This is a bizarre generalisation and I'd personally say its wrong, as all the best comedians are on the left. Who do the right have? Jim Davidson? I think I'll stick with people like Robin Ince and Stewart Lee THANKS. The prime minister finding Michael Winner adverts funny is worrying enough, telling people what they should find funny is more worrying still. Especially as his comment was actually, to use Angela Eagle's words, a 'revealing slip'. (Oh, turns out I could be arsed.)

But hey, you know what I do find funny? When politicians swear! I know it's immature but it shows a rare human side to politicians, and actually tends to make me like them more.

So we're obviously all celebrating Cameron's 355 days in office, and I bet the press copy me in 10 days time. Just remember it was my idea first. To celebrate, here are my Top 5 David Cameron Swearing Moments!

5. 'We are heading for a fucking car crash.' (October 2010) Cameron's private prediction of the results of a review of control orders sounds like the worst traffic report ever. It also makes him sound strangely cool, to the point that I'm suspicious of whether he actually said it, or if it was just an elaborate piece of PR...

4. 'Shit happens.' (November 2010) Cameron's speech at the Spectator’s Parliamentarian of the year awards ceremony included this gem of a phrase amongst a load of boring phrases. The official line at Number 10 is that he actually said, 'it happens.' Except he didn't, he said 'shit.' See.

3. 'Kate Middleton would fucking get it all the different ways.' (April 2011) Okay, I made that one up. David Cameron definitely did not say that, please do not sue me. He actually did say all the others here though.

2. 'Too many twits might make a twat.' (July 2009) Cameron's explanation for why he's not on twitter, on an interview on Absolute Radio, makes no sense whatsoever. Shortly after, in the same interview, he said, 'the public are rightly pissed off - sorry, I can't say that in the morning.' It's weird that he thinks 'pissed off' isn't appropriate but 'twat' is. What's also strange is that, in the same interview before both instances, he had said, 'politicians do have to think about what we say.' Then he said 'twat' on morning radio. This time I really think it was a deliberate PR move. Have a listen, it's all very odd.

1. 'You fucker!' (April 2011) Cameron's angry outburst at a journalist who had the sheer audacity to report the news makes me warm to him. Then he says 'calm down, dear' and I remember that he's a cunt.

Thanks for reading, I will leave you with the Big D & The Kids Table song that this blog is named after, enjoy!