As you know, I love everything in the world, with the exception of three things. One of those things that I love is Dexter.
What's that, you don't watch Dexter? Well why the fuck not? Well? Answer the question. Out loud please.
Whatever reason you just gave is not good enough. Dexter is one of the best TV shows ever. And believe me, I say that about loads of TV shows. And I've been thinking, Dexter would make a great comic book.
Let me first make one thing clear: I know fuck nothing about comic books. I own two comics, one is Marvel's 1982 adaptation of Blade Runner part 1, and the other is part 2. So I'm no expert. But I have noticed that Dexter is, as he says himself up there in that picture, a superhero, as one would find in a comic. So I've drafted an open letter to Marvel and/or DC Comics, telling them to make Dexter into a comic. Here is my open letter.
Dear The Head of Marvel (Captain Marvel, I guess.) / Dear The Head of DC (Not Obama, I mean the comic book company.)
As I was watching Showtime's Dexter, it occurred to me that Dexter Morgan is essentially a superhero, and the TV show would translate seamlessly into a comic book. In fact I was surprised that it wasn't originally a comic book (it was a series of books by Jeff Lindsay) because it has all the ingredients of a superhero comic. A comic about Dexter is even created in one episode of the second series of the show. (#2.5 The Dark Defender.)
In that episode, Dexter himself says: 'I never really got the whole superhero thing. But lately, it does seem we have a lot in common. Tragic beginnings... Secret identities... Part human, part mutant... Archenemies.'
Using these examples that he lists as well as some of my own, I will explain why Dexter is a superhero, worthy of his own comic book.
The main feature of a traditional superhero is their double-life. By day, Bruce Wayne is a billionaire who does... something, but by night, he is a crime-fighting Fathers 4 Justice impersonator. And no one can tell it's him, because he speaks in a highly convincing ridiculous voice, and runs out of a room in a suit and back into the room in the Batman costume, and then back out of the room only to re-enter the room in his suit, and no one is any the wiser because The Joker has released a special gas into the Gotham City air which apparently turns all its residents into fucking idiots. Oh, and as comedian Tracy Morgan points out, when you shine a big bat-symbol into the sky, The Penguin and The Joker know you're coming. But I digress.
Dexter Morgan leads such a double-life. By day, he is a donut-wielding blood-spatter analyst and all round nice-guy-family-man, but by night, he is a scalpel-wielding serial killer and all round serial killer. You'll also notice the donut-link between Dexter and Iron Man as depicted above. Coincidence? That seems WHOLLY unlikely. (Because Whole sounds like Hole which you get in donuts.)
Superheroes tend to be half-man half-beast. And in a way, aren't we all half-man half-beast? Except women obviously. Spider-Man is part-spider, and Dexter is part-monster. There's no difference, other than the fact that Dexter doesn't look a total dick. Whatever it is about the human condition that this idea is trying to convey, Dexter manages it with more subtlety and less spandex. And you'll notice the parallels between Spider-Man's webs and Dexter's spatter-strings in the picture. Coincidence? You won't see me getting CAUGHT UP in that theory. (Because things get Caught Up in webs.)
I don't want there to be any spoilers in this blog, because the great thing about Dexter is how it twists and turns and keeps you guessing. I'll just say this: Dexter has a tragic beginning. Like most superheroes. We all remember Spider-Man's tragic beginning, as Uncle Ben utters his iconic dying words, 'with great power comes... ackk', then promptly dies, leaving Spider-Man wondering what he was going to say. 'With great power comes... money? Happiness? Pussy? Sweet.' And if anyone knows about success it's Uncle Ben, inventor of the famous instant rice. Check out how similar the young Dexter and the young Spider-Man are with their respective paternal-mentors. Coincidence? I FATHER doubt it. (Because Father sounds a bit like Rather.)
As well as having a load of fairly insignificant enemies, superheroes have archenemies, their main, worst enemies, in which the hero sees a dark side of himself. This means there's an element of mutual admiration in the relationship between superhero and archenemy, as shown by Batman and The Joker staring lovingly into each others' eyes, seen also between Dexter and The Trinity Killer. Coincidence? Coincidence my ARCH. (Because Arch sounds exactly like Arse. Exactly like it.)
The whole point of superheroes is that they are the harbingers of justice. When the police aren't up to their job, superheroes step in and stop crime. Dexter does exactly this by killing murderers. He carries out his own unique brand of bloody, vigilante justice. He is a superhero. His angelic heroism is depicted above by his wings (which he obviously does not actually have, this is simply a stylistic promo shot) which are similar to those on Thor's helmet. Coincidence? FLAP off. (Because Flap sounds like Fuck and I'm getting tired.)
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, 'why am I reading this?' and 'shut up.' But you're also thinking, 'Dexter doesn't have any super powers you utter moron.' Firstly, don't be so rude. Secondly, not all superheroes have super powers. Now who's the moron? In fact, the best superheroes have no powers; think Iron Man, Batman, and Charlie Sheen. Instead these superheroes have gadgets or weapons or tools or Tiger Blood. Actually, Charlie Sheen does have super powers. As you can see from the picture, Batman's utility belt is remarkably similar to Dexter's surgical tools. Dexter's tools are just scarier and cooler, even though he has no shark-repellent-Bat-spray. Coincidence? You'd be a TOOL to think so. (Because Tool sounds like Tool.)
While Dexter may not wear spandex, he does have a costume, like a superhero. When his 'Dark Passenger' takes over, Dexter dons the grey top, black leather gloves, pocket-ey trousers and brown boots, like how when Bruce Wayne's 'Bat' takes over, he dons the Bat-clothing. (I should have pointed out earlier that I may not know a huge deal about Batman.) You'll notice from the above picture that both Dexter and Batman wear costumes while crouching. Coincidence? To think so would COST YOUme. (Because Cost You sounds like Costume without the M.)
'I'm with you so far,' I hear you say, 'there's just one thing I need to address. Superheroes are made into action figures. Is there an action figure of Dexter?' Yep. Look at the picture. While Batman comes with Batarangs, Dexter comes with a knife and a bin bag full of body parts. Coincidence? I don't see how that would FIGURE. (Because Figure sounds like Figure.)
Don't worry, it's over now. That is my case for Dexter being a superhero, and that is why you should make Dexter into a comic book. Dexter is just screaming to be made into a comic. Screaming a blood-curdling, bone-drilling scream.
Thank you for reading,
Having written all that, I don't particularly want Dexter to be made into a comic book, purely because its perfect how it is. The characters, the writing, the acting, the moral issues, its all just right. This blog is named after a song by the brilliant band The Skints, the song with which I will leave you. Enjoy!