Neverending Tory

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are three more of them.

I've now finished the politics part of my degree, and can confidently answer the seemingly complex question: What is politics? It's a bunch of cunts being cunts. But apparently you can't write that in an exam. This week saw these three instances of cunts being cunts:

3. Nigel Farage made the fatal mistake of opening his stupid mouth, and from the saliva-filled black hole of self-awareness came the accusation that the Scottish protesters were "yobbo fascist scum." These protesters had besieged the UKIP idiot in Edinburgh's Canons' Gait pub, which is incidentally where I first saw the brilliant Robin Ince perform. In fairness to Nigel Farage, it can't be easy constantly refuting claims that your party is racist when all its candidates keep getting caught doing Nazi salutes and denying the Holocaust and being racist. But as its website so speedily asserts, UKIP is a "non-racist party", so who cares about all the pesky evidence to the fucking contrary? With all that in mind, you'd have thought the cunt from Kent would think twice before throwing around the accusation of fascism. The hypocrisy of Nigel Farage, a man so mindlessly nationalistic that his policies include a five-year freeze on immigration, calling the Scottish nationalists "fascists" is simply laughable. Haha.

2. You'd have thought self-awareness couldn't plummet much lower than that. But this is British politics, so it definitely can. An anonymous source close to the Prime Minister has apparently described Tory activists as "mad, swivel-eyed loons." This angered Tory activists, who totally disproved the remarks by demanding a "full-scale inquiry", their loon eyes swiveling like mad.

1.  Surely self-awareness can't sink any lower? Oh wait, here comes Philip Hammond. The creepy fucking children's nightmare complained that gay marriage upsets too many people. Why can't those selfish gays stop their fight for equality and just think about all the Tories they're upsetting?! Look Philip Hammond, gay marriage is definitely going to become legal despite your party's best efforts. Why would you keep reasserting your bigotry? Just shut up; you'd be doing a favour to yourself, your party and most importantly, me.

Thanks for reading, I'll leave you with the Catch 22 song from which this blog takes its name. And talking of third wave ska, Greece should have won Eurovision. Hey, do you think Nigel Farage was secretly watching?

Just Another Tory

As you know, I love everything in the world, with the exception of three things. One of those things that I love is this piece of news. 

That's right, the men and women (but mainly men) who run this country all squeezed into a very old room and decided, admirably and decisively, that the Tories are homophobic. Oh and that gay people should be legally allowed to own pets, or something.

It's genuinely rare that we can look upon a piece of legislation and confidently call it progress, whatever that word means. But here it seems that we can, so congratulations to the MPs who actually represent the thoroughly cool and groovy people of Britain. And I'm glad David Cameron doesn't seem too shaken up by Michael Winner's death, I know he was a big fan of those car insurance adverts.

What I don't understand, though, is why around half of the Conservatives voted against the bill. It was always going to pass, so you might as well just pretend, just for one vote, that you're not an awful bigot. By opposing gay marriage, not only are you going to piss off David Cameron and the party command, you're also revealing to the world just how out of touch and lacking in compassion you truly are, Anne Main (St Albans). This vote revealed the limited nature of the Tory party's "modernisation", with 136 voting against compared to 127 in favour. With their archaic values still very much alive and well, it's clear that gay marriage passed despite the Conservatives, not because of them.

And speaking of Tories, it looks like everybody's favourite crypto-fascist vanity project is coming to an end. Yes, Menshn, which is NOT named after Louise Mensch, is set to close after about 8 months of no one giving a fuck. In a hilarious blog, Luke Bozier explains that Louise Mensch, who DIDN'T name Menshn after herself, might not be the easiest person to work with. So there's a shock.

Well that's gay marriage and Menshn wrapped up, my blog really has nothing more to offer. Especially as 30 Rock has ended too. At least we still have Jamiroquai. When they split up we're really fucked.

Shut Up

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is Boris Johnson.

It's bad enough that we're meant to love having a funny mayor, the word "funny" here meaning "racially insensitive" and "unfunny". Call me boring, but I think the requirements for representing London, with all its vibrant diversity, should be more than just a few appearances on an increasingly terrible TV panel show with silly hair and a posh voice. "But he chased away those people that time!" Fuck off. He's a right-wing self-publicist who can't open his mouth without being inappropriate, or sexist, or otherwise offensive. So no, I don't find him funny, because I'm not a child or a racist.


So imagine my absolute delight when this happened. I know that complaining about the content of The Sun is akin to criticising a child's drawing, but it seems that Boris Johnson's comments are part of a serious problem. He's telling us to "cut out the whining" about the Olympics, which is awful enough because you can hear it in his stupid voice. But what's really troublesome is that by "whining" he means criticising. There's something genuinely worrying about members of the government effectively telling us to shut the fuck up. 


It would be too easy to dismiss these comments as a light-hearted bit of fun from Boris Johnson, or "Boris" as he's vomit-inducingly known. That's how he gets away with being a fucking idiot, people just shrug and say, "oh it's just Boris, he was so funny on Have I Got Shit For Brains." He's not your slightly racist grandmother, he's the fucking Mayor of London. He's an elected representative, and as such we have a right to criticise him. He can't tell us to "put a sock in it", no matter how hilariously fucking quaint it sounds. He has to listen to us. That's his job. "Enough whimpering" is not a legitimate response to legitimate criticisms. Not only is it insultingly patronising, it's an attempt to close down discussion. Democracy should be about dialogue. Boris Johnson's attitude is problematic because when he supposedly playfully says shut up, he actually means it.


Boris Johnson isn't the only offender though, this is a conservative viewpoint; that we should just let the men in charge get on with it without making a fuss. A few months back, William Hague said that we'll fix the economy by working harder, "rather than complaining about it." Again, we're being told by our government to shut the fuck up, this time with legitimate criticism labelled as "complaining".

We are certainly not short of legitimate grievances; PC Simon Harwood has been found not guilty, because apparently hitting someone with a baton as they walk away from you is "reasonable force"; Jeremy Hunt still has a job, and isn't in constant pain which is completely unfair; yesterday the Treasury minister claimed it was "morally wrong" to pay builders in cash, which is obviously a much greater problem than rich people deliberately avoiding paying millions of pounds worth of tax; I was walking through St Pancras station earlier, and one of those screens with a big Olympics themed McDonald's advert wasn't working. Fix it, Boris Johnson. Fix it by hand.


But instead of listening to us, the government goes "ssh now, silly humans. Stick this special commemorative Jubilee lollipop in your mouth and be quiet while we spend £80 million on a big fucking yacht." We're given the Jubilee and the Olympics to shut us up for a bit, like parents giving their child a rattle to distract it from their messy and violent divorce. 

So I won't "cut out the whining" thanks, because as the government it is your job to listen to me. Well not me, obviously, because I don't live in London and also I'm a fucking idiot. But they constantly try to close down discussion and expect us to just be ruled without questioning, and that's not good enough.


Thanks for reading this rant, I'll leave you with the Madness song that this blog is named after. Enjoy!

Chez Madame Louise

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is menshn.

"But what is menshn?" I hear no one ask. In fact, the only question to which "menshn" is the answer is: "Why did all those people commit suicide?"

Menshn is the illegitimate brain-spawn of everyone's second favourite chick lit author turned MP, Louise Mensch (the first is Michael Gove, who just really gets teenage girls). Here's Menzch's to-do list:

✓ Have name that sounds like an STD.
✓ Have written more books than have read.
✓ Launch a rival to Twitter.


That's right, Louise Menxch has founded a social networking site called menshn. But if you're thinking that she just named it after herself like a weird power-mad egomaniac then think again, because it's actually nothing to do with her creepy name but merely a play on the word "mention." See, there's no C in "menshn" you big idiot, can't you even read? It's definitely got nothing to do with her name, despite it being almost identical to her name. Stop assuming that it's got anything to do with her name when she keeps insisting that it absolutely hasn't. It's not vain to the point of disturbingly sinister at all, because again, "menshn" and "Mensch" are obviously entirely unrelated words. Now stop going on about it.


So what is menschn? Well, apart from being nothing to do with the name "Mensch", it's a microblogging site where posts can be no more than 180 characters in length. I'm going to preempt you again a bit here; it reminds you of Twitter, right? BUT IT'S NOTHING LIKE TWITTER YOU DICK! Because menschn has an 180 character limit on posts, while Twitter has 140. That's a difference of a massive 40 characters! The two websites couldn't be more different. 


But wait. Because menschn differs from that, let's face it, now obsolete "Twitter" thing, by making sure that every post is "on topic." Because that's what Twitter needed; censorship. Censorship controlled by Louise Menzxch. She identified that the problem with Twitter is the freedom to talk about whatever people choose. It seems so obvious now, doesn't it? That's why we're all over at menschn, having forgotten about whatever that lame 140 character shit was.


Sarcasm aside, it's one of the worst things to have ever happened. It's just downright bizzarre. The tagline is "talk on topic", lending the whole thing an eerie school-vibe, which isn't exactly what you want on a Twitter-style website. But then, what do you expect when it's run by a Conservative MP? This is free speech, Tory-style; talk about whatever you want, as long as it's this. In fact, menschn is a beautifully bleak insight into a dystopian future in which the internet is controlled by the Tories.


Glancing round the website (I'm not going to join due to genuine fear), there's a weird crypto-fascism on display and I'm not just being a silly lefty; it's really fucking strange. The fact that users are called "menshners" and that topics are "menshnd" doesn't help the whole Inglorious Basterds thing, and there's a list of "high rated users" which resembles something of a high command, in which Louise Menzxsch ranks second.


The rules had to be called "the menschn rules" just in case you weren't already reading all the content in a bad Nazi accent. "The first rule of menschn is you do talk about menschn." Now, as you probably know, Fight Club is my favourite film, and if you have to add to the steaming high pile of "first rule" jokes out there in the world, it best be worth it. This is more like brutally murdering Chuck Palahniuk, David Fincher, Brad Pitt, Edward Norton and everyone else before digging them up and mensching all over their corpses.


I stopped reading soon after that, as it continues in the same Project Mayhem style vein of cultish fascism and I got angry and then scared and then confused and then eventually angry again, but I skipped to the end which perhaps best sums up menschn, the website founded by someone who has never had fun but deems themselves worthy of controlling online discussion but definitely, DEFINITELY did NOT name the site after themselves:


"Have fun - talk on topic!"


Thanks for reading, I'll leave you with the Puggy song that this blog is named after. Enjoy - talk on topic!

Thinking About Things

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is having to come up with something to write here for every fucking blog.

Anyway, I've been, to quote the band Catch 22, 'Thinking About Things.'

'You idiot,' I hear you say, 'you clearly just can't think of anything to blog about, and are attempting to hide that fact behind the veil of what is actually one of Catch 22's worst songs, from the largely underwhelming 2000 album 'Alone in a Crowd,' despite the obvious importance of the band's contribution to third-wave ska.' Well firstly, I reply, you know an impressive amount about ska/punk. Secondly, shut up. Here's 5 'things' that I've been 'thinking about.'

1. Facebook is a depressing place at the best of times, but now it's full of groups and statuses which go, 'That awkward moment when...' For instance the group, 'That awkward moment when you send a text to the wrong person.' My problem with these is mainly grammatical. It isn't a sentence. I wouldn't mind if it was, 'I hate that awkward moment when you send a text to the wrong person', or even, 'That moment when you send a text to the wrong person is awkward.' But it's always just, 'That awkward moment when you send a text to the wrong person,' which leaves me thinking, '...go on? What about it?' But they have nothing to say about it, it's always just an ill-conceived piece of forced observation.

2. On a happier note, I've been watching the brilliant US sitcom Community, which I love. But british comedian John Oliver is in it, and I remember him from Mock The Week, and now he's in a massive American TV show! It makes me worry that Frankie Boyle could pop up in Boardwalk Empire.

3. I was using some soap, but it wasn't called soap, it was called a 'Dove Beauty Cream Bar.' Which makes it sound like a delicious item of confectionary you'd get from a vending machine. But it didn't taste delicious, because it was soap.

4. Free Schools are concerning. I have all the usual worries about how the funding should be used to improve existing schools, rather than giving it to what will largely be middle-class ventures; about the proportion of Free Schools which are geared towards religion; about the use of unqualified teachers. That seems like an odd idea. Also, the Tory focus on 'discipline' is one that sets me slightly on edge.

5. The Tories also want to scrap the 50p tax rate, one such Tory being Nigel Lawson. When Nigel Lawson - a man so arrogant, my politics teacher used to say, that he named his daughter after himself - agrees with a policy, it may be time to abandon it. The 50p tax rate affects the top 1% of UK earners, with whom it is hard to sympathise when they complain about being 'punished,' given that the government's cuts will not affect them. Also concerning is the way the BBC use headlines like, 'Top 50p tax rate damages UK, say economists.' Oh, 'economists' say that do they? Well who are we to argue with 'economists'? Gramsci would be spinning.

Thanks for reading, I will leave you with the excellent So Cold by Catch 22 seeing as you love them so much. Enjoy!