Twitter Patter

"Of course, I'm no expert" - no-one on Twitter.

— Adam Kay (@amateuradam) May 17, 2017

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is Twitter.

I've been spending a lot of time on Twitter recently, and it's doing my fucking head in. I think it's the way every tweet - at least all the ones that get shared - is constructed according to one of just three or four templates. For anyone to get a joke on Twitter, it has to be written like a joke on Twitter. And I find it really depressing when everyone speaks the same.

Some of these lazy Twitter joke constructions include:

Dear... 

As in "Dear 2016. Please stop killing celebrities. Sincerely, the world." I don't know if it's supposed to cute, or funny, or why you'd bother reaching for your phone to add to the endless slew of identical tweets. Dear people who write tweets like this. Please stop.

Your daily reminder that...

I saw one recently that said "Your daily reminder that pineapple, in fact, goes on pizza." It got 310 retweets. Like the previous one, this is just a way of prefacing one's tedious opinion in a way that's been sanctioned by the dullards of Twitter.

Me:... Also me:...

This comes from the Evil Kermit meme, which is essentially about internal conflicts. On Twitter, people say things like: "Me: I have to get up early. Also me: Watches Netflix until 3am." Hahaha, people are so complex! Sorry, not complex. Boring.

I had more of these, but the problem is clearly that I am an old person complaining about the way kids talk on the internet. Who cares? I'm just jealous that my tweets never get any reaction, because they're massively unfunny and mostly to do with Star Trek. 

But while I'm here, here are some miscellaneous tropes that I'd ban if I became dictator of Twitter - or Louise Mensch, as she's known.

Memes, threads, lol used ironically, "lads", lol used sincerely, arguing with trolls, retweeting Katy Hopkins, and shortening the word fascism to "fash".

Here's DJ Shadow.

Chez Madame Louise

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is menshn.

"But what is menshn?" I hear no one ask. In fact, the only question to which "menshn" is the answer is: "Why did all those people commit suicide?"

Menshn is the illegitimate brain-spawn of everyone's second favourite chick lit author turned MP, Louise Mensch (the first is Michael Gove, who just really gets teenage girls). Here's Menzch's to-do list:

✓ Have name that sounds like an STD.
✓ Have written more books than have read.
✓ Launch a rival to Twitter.


That's right, Louise Menxch has founded a social networking site called menshn. But if you're thinking that she just named it after herself like a weird power-mad egomaniac then think again, because it's actually nothing to do with her creepy name but merely a play on the word "mention." See, there's no C in "menshn" you big idiot, can't you even read? It's definitely got nothing to do with her name, despite it being almost identical to her name. Stop assuming that it's got anything to do with her name when she keeps insisting that it absolutely hasn't. It's not vain to the point of disturbingly sinister at all, because again, "menshn" and "Mensch" are obviously entirely unrelated words. Now stop going on about it.


So what is menschn? Well, apart from being nothing to do with the name "Mensch", it's a microblogging site where posts can be no more than 180 characters in length. I'm going to preempt you again a bit here; it reminds you of Twitter, right? BUT IT'S NOTHING LIKE TWITTER YOU DICK! Because menschn has an 180 character limit on posts, while Twitter has 140. That's a difference of a massive 40 characters! The two websites couldn't be more different. 


But wait. Because menschn differs from that, let's face it, now obsolete "Twitter" thing, by making sure that every post is "on topic." Because that's what Twitter needed; censorship. Censorship controlled by Louise Menzxch. She identified that the problem with Twitter is the freedom to talk about whatever people choose. It seems so obvious now, doesn't it? That's why we're all over at menschn, having forgotten about whatever that lame 140 character shit was.


Sarcasm aside, it's one of the worst things to have ever happened. It's just downright bizzarre. The tagline is "talk on topic", lending the whole thing an eerie school-vibe, which isn't exactly what you want on a Twitter-style website. But then, what do you expect when it's run by a Conservative MP? This is free speech, Tory-style; talk about whatever you want, as long as it's this. In fact, menschn is a beautifully bleak insight into a dystopian future in which the internet is controlled by the Tories.


Glancing round the website (I'm not going to join due to genuine fear), there's a weird crypto-fascism on display and I'm not just being a silly lefty; it's really fucking strange. The fact that users are called "menshners" and that topics are "menshnd" doesn't help the whole Inglorious Basterds thing, and there's a list of "high rated users" which resembles something of a high command, in which Louise Menzxsch ranks second.


The rules had to be called "the menschn rules" just in case you weren't already reading all the content in a bad Nazi accent. "The first rule of menschn is you do talk about menschn." Now, as you probably know, Fight Club is my favourite film, and if you have to add to the steaming high pile of "first rule" jokes out there in the world, it best be worth it. This is more like brutally murdering Chuck Palahniuk, David Fincher, Brad Pitt, Edward Norton and everyone else before digging them up and mensching all over their corpses.


I stopped reading soon after that, as it continues in the same Project Mayhem style vein of cultish fascism and I got angry and then scared and then confused and then eventually angry again, but I skipped to the end which perhaps best sums up menschn, the website founded by someone who has never had fun but deems themselves worthy of controlling online discussion but definitely, DEFINITELY did NOT name the site after themselves:


"Have fun - talk on topic!"


Thanks for reading, I'll leave you with the Puggy song that this blog is named after. Enjoy - talk on topic!

Canned Tweet

As you know, I love everything in the world, with the exception of three things. One of those things that I love is Twitter.

However, because I love it, people have to go out of their way to ruin it. Here are 5 contributions to the self-destruction of Twitter.

5. Who to follow - Recently, the genius that is Twitter's 'Who to follow' feature, has recommended that I follow Kim Kardashian, Gary Barlow and worst of all, 30 Seconds To Mars. I wouldn't follow them if I saw them in the street covered in chocolate. Whatever way Twitter works out these things, it should do it better, or not do it at all. How do I know who to follow? A tweeter I like will RT or #FF someone, and if I approve, I will follow. Meanwhile, 'Who to follow' is currently recommending Elton John.

4. 'Promoted' trending topics - I know Twitter has to make money somehow, and just having a promoted hashtag at the top of the trending column is a relatively unobtrusive way of doing so. But when that promoted topic is Coldplay's new album, as it was a few weeks ago, they can fuck off.

3. X Factor tweets - Every Saturday, Twitter has a demonic way of turning people I normally hugely respect and admire into brainwashed Cowell zombies, tweeting away about X Factor like it's normal. Complaining about the content of Twitter is generally ridiculous; you follow who you like and if you're annoyed by them, unfollow them. But I can't unfollow these people, because they're all brilliant and insightful and hilarious. Except for on Saturday night. And then more and more nights as the series goes on. Until it feels like it's every single second. Still, I'm always tweeting about The Apprentice so I'm an awful hypocrite and human. Moving on.

2. TwitLonger - If I ever use TwitLonger, the service that lets you tweet more than 140 characters, kill me. Seriously, if you see that I've used it, come to my house and empty out my insides with a spoon. Because I will never use TwitLonger, because it defeats the entire point of Twitter. If I wanted people's thoughts in more than 140 characters, I'd have conversations. But conversations are long and you can't just shout "block!" if you're bored. Believe me, you can't. Twitter is using no more than 140 characters. You know what we call Twitter where we can put more than 140 characters? Facebook. *Shudders*

1. TV shows giving themselves hashtags - What's the worst thing about Question Time? It could be the fact that they insist on putting Baroness Warsi on the panel every fucking week. It could be the unequivocally terrible audience. But actually, it's the way '#bbcqt' appears at the start of every episode. This self-enforced hashtagging yet again misunderstands the point of Twitter. Hashtags should emerge organically; if enough people are talking about something, Twitter will collectively form a way of referring to it. That's one of the many beautiful things about Twitter, the way it can move as a single hive mind. Before TV shows dictated their own hashtags, Twitter came up with them. No one ever said "this is the hashtag for Question Time", it was unspoken, and it just happened. If multiple hashtags for the same thing were floating around, the less-used ones would gradulally drop off until one was used uniformally. That's how it worked and it was genuinely impressive. But now shows smugly deem themselves worthy of sticking their fucking #HIGNFYs and #NMTBs up inside beautiful, innocent Twitter.

Sorry about the rant, but Twitter is one of the best things ever, and these things entirely miss the point of it. The title of this blog is a clever (brilliantly clever) play on the Jamiroquai song Canned Heat, with which I will leave you. Enjoy!