Tools of the Trade

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is people with two first names.

You've seen them, hogging all the first names while some poor bastards (like Tempestt Bledsoe) don't even have one. Look at David Cameron. Go on, I dare you. He struts around with more than his fair share, while others have nothing. Right guys?

But for once I'm not going to just whinge without offering a solution. I'm not Russell Brand. I'm proposing a Swap Shop style system, mercifully without the involvement of Noel Edmonds, who only has one first name but that's still one more than he deserves.

Under my groovy new collectivist system, someone with two first names could trade with somebody in need. For example, David Cameron and Tempestt Bledsoe could swap. So she's Cameron Bledsoe (and we know Cameron can be a girl's name because of Cameron Diaz) and he's David Tempestt, making him infinitely more electable.

My friend Harry Graham, the first name-hogging idiot, could swap with CNN host Wolf Blitzer. So he'd be Harry Wolf or Harry Blitzer (I'll ask him which he'd prefer). That would make the news anchor Graham Wolf or Graham Blitzer - both of which sound much more like the respectable name of a serious journalist, rather than a Power Ranger.

And I know what you're thinking - what about Ron Howard and his brother, the actor Clint Howard? Why should they be punished? What if they want to keep the familial link of the Howard name? Well, I admire your support for the Howard family, but I've thought of that.

The solution to the Howard Question, as it's known, lies between Channing Tatum and Stockard Channing. If Clint Howard trades with Channing Tatum, they can be Clint Channing and Howard Tatum, respectively. Then Ron Howard can swap with Stockard Channing, making them Howard Channing and Ron Stockard. 

Voila - Clint and Howard Channing keep their family connection, and Howard Tatum is a pretty good name for the Foxcatcher star. Everyone's happy - apart from Ron Stockard, but she can tell people it's short for Rhonda or whatever.

Now, who has Wolf Blitzer's phone number?

Cold Sweat

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is this film poster.

No not because of Zac Efron, though that doesn't exactly help. It's the way that "SWEATY" is being used as a selling point. Is that something that audiences look for in a film? Are there people out there saying: "The Godfather is alright, but not nearly sweaty enough"? If so, might I suggest pornography.

This is part of a trend of increasingly stupid boasts on movie posters. Look at Movie 43, described by Richard Roeper as "the Citizen Kane of awful."

The idea that a massive cast is somehow virtuous is like bragging: "The most paint ever used in a movie!" or "The loudest film ever!"

Speaking of which... 

You may have seen the poster for the new "comedy" film The Guilt Trip which claims: "THE FIRST MOTHER-SON ROAD MOVIE!" At last, the sub-genre we've all been waiting for has arrived, and in the form of Barbra Streisand and Seth Rogen. If it's a mother-son comedy you're after, I highly recommend the Stallone movie Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. 

But it's not just poster boasts that are getting out of hand, film titles themselves are increasingly ridiculous. I'll let these three speak for themselves.

This one just shows a basic misunderstanding of what words mean...

Presumably Part III will be called: Definitely The Last Exorcism This Time Probably.

That's Tom Cruise in some sort of robot suit in my favourite worst titled film ever: All You Need Is Kill. The fact that Cruise went for a curry in St Albans during shooting is a happy bonus.

The Summer Soldier was probably deemed slightly too camp. And as we know, Christopher Nolan brought an end to the camp superhero movie. Mind you, Man of Steel does sound like a gay porno.

Incidentally, we put up with the underwhelming Captain America and Thor films because we knew they were just there to set up Avengers Assemble (talking of shit names). They were placeholder movies, and so we forgave them their mediocrity. But now that Avengers Go For A Coffee has been and gone, our tolerance of distinctly average superhero sequels may become seriously tested.

And while I'm ranting, why do we need the same old-people-singing movie twice in the space of a few weeks? 

If I want to watch a film about old people, I'll go with Dawn of the Dead.

Time for a quick Louise Mensch update: the former MP and social network overlord has turned her Tory hand to fashion blogging. Unsurprisingly, the blog just seems to be pictures of herself, but it has provided me with a new favourite YouTube video.

She was probably going for something like this: 

But it ended up more reminiscent of this:

Thanks for reading my blog looking at some pictures, here's James Brown.

Remember The Name

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is films with stupid names.

"Right, we need a name for this big new sequel," says Mr. Hollywood to a room full of dead-eyed rich men. 

One of them raises a clammy hand.

"How about Transformers: Dark of the Moon"? 

Everyone laughs.

"We can't call it Transformers: Dark of the Moon", chuckles Mr. Hollywood, wiping a bloody tear from his eye, "that's just fucking ridiculous."

"But why can't we?" he replies, "why does it matter?"

"Well, people won't come to see it," explains Mr. Hollywood.

"Yes they will. They'll come to see it regardless of what we call it. We could call it Transformers: I Fucked Your Mum if we wanted. People would still see it."

"Wait a minute, you're right! And to think we spent all of 2 minutes coming up with the title of the previous one, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen."

"Also, I've seen the film, and there's really no need to even pretend to care about the audience at this point."

"Good work, have a million billion dollars. Now let's name the rest of these pieces of shit in five minutes then head to the strip club."

Or something like that, I'm no expert. The point is, Hollywood care so little about their audiences that they call their movies whatever piece of awful they like, and in some cases seem to deliberately come up with stupid names. Having had the same complaint about album names, it's even worse for films and especially bad this year. So here are my 12 Worst Named Films of 2012.

12. What to Expect When You're Expecting

This snappily-titled film is named after a pregnancy handbook, so it could just as easily have been called Mommy Guilt or HypnoBirthing, both of which would have been a drastic improvement. Anyway I've not seen it, but it is definitely shit.

11. Piranha 3DD

The problem, aside from the obvious sexism, is that 3DD isn't a plausible bra size. Correct me if I'm wrong, again I'm no expert. As Alex points out in his excellent review, they should have called it Fish 'N' Tits. Anyway I've seen it and it is definitely shit. 

10. Jeff, Who Lives at Home

We don't need the main character's life story in the fucking title. 

Spider-Man, who shoots webs. 

Citizen Kane, who dies. 

Jaws, who is a shark.

Anyway I've not seen it, but it is definitely shit.

9. Martha Marcy May Marlene

Ok this isn't a Hollywood movie, and I think I'd love it. But an unpronounceable name? What are you, Prince?

8. Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

Basically, I don't like long titles. If I'm bored while reading the title, it does not bode well for the actual film. Anyway, not seen it, definitely shit.

7. For a Good Time, Call...

One of the most loathsome looking films ever has one of the most stupid names ever. It doesn't make any sense! How the fuck am I meant to pronounce that?! Why is there an ellipsis and a comma in the name of this film?! Anyway it's not even out yet, but it's definitely, definitely shit.

6. Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace 3D

George Lucas: "How can we make this ridiculous title any worse? I know, we'll add 3D on the end!" 

Prick.

5. Anna Karenina 

If I were Tolstoy's publisher, I'd say: "It's great Leo, I love all the... sex? [I've not read it, there's sex though right?] The only thing is the name. Karenina. It's impossible to pronounce without sounding like a dick."

4. Avengers Assemble

Or as everyone calls it, The Avengers. Because no, Hollywood, we're not going to get it confused with the 1960s TV show because we're not a bunch of fucking idiots. You might as well have called it Avengers, Meet Back Here in 10, Maybe 15 Minutes. Make Sure You Go to the Toilet First... Thor.

3. Katy Perry: Part of Me 3D 

Yeah.

2. W.E

A film by Madonna that sounds like a toilet.

1. Now Is Good

Now Is Good? Was that dreamt up by a thick child? It makes no sense, it's unbelievably annoying, and fuck off. I've not seen it, but Now Is Good is shit.

Thanks for reading, I'll leave you with the Fort Minor song that this blog is named after. Enjoy!

The Nameless

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is bad album names.

Yesterday I was listening to Harry's excellent radio show (Tuesdays 5-6pm on University Radio York) and he played a song by Californian whinge-rockers Hoobastank, from their album For(N)ever. This got me thinking, is that the worst name for an album I've ever heard? Yes. But recently there have been a swarm of terribly named albums, so I thought I'd give you my 10 Worst Album Names Ever. Then I remembered that I'm lazy, so decided to limit it to last year. It's also worth noting that most of these are included because I have a problem with the actual artist. So here are my 10 Worst Album Names Of 2011. As usual, conducted with zero research and even less consideration.

10. Michael Bublé: Christmas - I would love to have been in the primary school classroom in which this name was chosen.

9. True Widow: As High As The Highest Heavens And From The Center To The Circumference Of The Earth - I've never heard any True Widow, but if their music is as unwieldy and pretentious as that album name, I never want to.

8. Owl City: All Things Bright And Beautiful - gggfhvghgggggg Oh sorry, I fell asleep on the keyboard.

7. Jennifer Lopez: Love? - No?

6. Fleet Foxes: Helplessness Blues - When naming albums, some words should just be avoided. On that list, above Residue and Pudding is Helplessness. It's barely even a word. And it feels like it goes on forever. Which is appropriate, because it's by folksy bore-block Fleet Foxes.

5. Adele: 21 - Don't hate Adele for her appearance; hate her for her music. Hate her for complaining about having to pay tax on her earnings from the sale of 6.5 million copies of her first album. She said that upon receiving that tax bill, "I was ready to go and buy a gun and randomly open fire." It's almost a shame she didn't, because she'd have been sent to prison, where she wouldn't be able to release more albums. That first album was called 19, because that's how old she was when writing it, and this one is called 21, because that's how old she was when writing it. That seems face-punchingly lazy, but in fairness, she does look sleepy on the cover.

4. Earth: Angels Of Darkness, Demons Of Light I - Having looked them up, Earth seem like a band I might really like. Which is a shame, because I will never ever listen thanks to this laughably self-important album name which sounds like Dan Brown-meets-Spinal Tap. Here's a tip: Never release albums split into Part 1 and Part 2. You're not writing Henry IV. Let's look at the rest of Earth's album names:

Earth 2: Special Low-Frequency Version

Phase 3: Thrones and Dominions

Pentastar: In the Style of Demons

Hex; Or Printing in the Infernal Method

The Bees Made Honey in the Lion's Skull

Angels of Darkness, Demons of Light I

Angels of Darkness, Demons of Light II

Ok I've genuinely changed my mind, those are brilliant names, I'm downloading them all now.

3. Beyoncé: 4 - So called because it's her fourth album, making Adele's system look like creative wizardry.

2. Ed Sheeran: + - For me, Ed Sheeran is filed under "Things I hate despite never having heard or seen them", alongside the Zooey Deschanel sitcom New Girl. Incidentally, I just looked her up to find that her albums are called Volume One, Volume Two and A Very She & Him Christmas. Nice how these things all come together. But when I found out that Ed Sheeran had called his album + I spent days and days deliberately and repeatedly stubbing my toe on a brick.

1. Florence + the Machine: Ceremonials - Florence Welch and her brother The Machine Welch are seemingly omnipresent; the Abi Morgan of music. One of their typically whiney songs was used in this week's episode of How I Met Your Mother, as if a special committee had got together to specifically design the worst thing for me. Album names of a single word can be brilliant, but only when that word is well-chosen. Unlike Ceremonials, which just sounds too similar to Cereal or Chlamydial.

Thanks for reading, I'll leave you with the Slipknot song that this blog is named after, from the suitably terribly-titled album Vol. 3: (The Subliminal Verses). Enjoy!