Remember The Name

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is films with stupid names.

"Right, we need a name for this big new sequel," says Mr. Hollywood to a room full of dead-eyed rich men. 

One of them raises a clammy hand.

"How about Transformers: Dark of the Moon"? 

Everyone laughs.

"We can't call it Transformers: Dark of the Moon", chuckles Mr. Hollywood, wiping a bloody tear from his eye, "that's just fucking ridiculous."

"But why can't we?" he replies, "why does it matter?"

"Well, people won't come to see it," explains Mr. Hollywood.

"Yes they will. They'll come to see it regardless of what we call it. We could call it Transformers: I Fucked Your Mum if we wanted. People would still see it."

"Wait a minute, you're right! And to think we spent all of 2 minutes coming up with the title of the previous one, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen."

"Also, I've seen the film, and there's really no need to even pretend to care about the audience at this point."

"Good work, have a million billion dollars. Now let's name the rest of these pieces of shit in five minutes then head to the strip club."

Or something like that, I'm no expert. The point is, Hollywood care so little about their audiences that they call their movies whatever piece of awful they like, and in some cases seem to deliberately come up with stupid names. Having had the same complaint about album names, it's even worse for films and especially bad this year. So here are my 12 Worst Named Films of 2012.

12. What to Expect When You're Expecting

This snappily-titled film is named after a pregnancy handbook, so it could just as easily have been called Mommy Guilt or HypnoBirthing, both of which would have been a drastic improvement. Anyway I've not seen it, but it is definitely shit.

11. Piranha 3DD

The problem, aside from the obvious sexism, is that 3DD isn't a plausible bra size. Correct me if I'm wrong, again I'm no expert. As Alex points out in his excellent review, they should have called it Fish 'N' Tits. Anyway I've seen it and it is definitely shit. 

10. Jeff, Who Lives at Home

We don't need the main character's life story in the fucking title. 

Spider-Man, who shoots webs. 

Citizen Kane, who dies. 

Jaws, who is a shark.

Anyway I've not seen it, but it is definitely shit.

9. Martha Marcy May Marlene

Ok this isn't a Hollywood movie, and I think I'd love it. But an unpronounceable name? What are you, Prince?

8. Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

Basically, I don't like long titles. If I'm bored while reading the title, it does not bode well for the actual film. Anyway, not seen it, definitely shit.

7. For a Good Time, Call...

One of the most loathsome looking films ever has one of the most stupid names ever. It doesn't make any sense! How the fuck am I meant to pronounce that?! Why is there an ellipsis and a comma in the name of this film?! Anyway it's not even out yet, but it's definitely, definitely shit.

6. Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace 3D

George Lucas: "How can we make this ridiculous title any worse? I know, we'll add 3D on the end!" 

Prick.

5. Anna Karenina 

If I were Tolstoy's publisher, I'd say: "It's great Leo, I love all the... sex? [I've not read it, there's sex though right?] The only thing is the name. Karenina. It's impossible to pronounce without sounding like a dick."

4. Avengers Assemble

Or as everyone calls it, The Avengers. Because no, Hollywood, we're not going to get it confused with the 1960s TV show because we're not a bunch of fucking idiots. You might as well have called it Avengers, Meet Back Here in 10, Maybe 15 Minutes. Make Sure You Go to the Toilet First... Thor.

3. Katy Perry: Part of Me 3D 

Yeah.

2. W.E

A film by Madonna that sounds like a toilet.

1. Now Is Good

Now Is Good? Was that dreamt up by a thick child? It makes no sense, it's unbelievably annoying, and fuck off. I've not seen it, but Now Is Good is shit.

Thanks for reading, I'll leave you with the Fort Minor song that this blog is named after. Enjoy!