Digging In Your Nails

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is goop (((again) again) again).

It was with mixed feelings, therefore, that I read last month's news that Oscar-winning pseudoscientist Gwyneth Paltrow was separating (though she'd probably call it "consciously uncoupling") from her crypto-fascist lifestyle website goop. 

On the one hand, this will likely result in less bullshit, and a reduction in the amount of bullshit in the world can only be a good thing. On the other hand, what am I going to blog about now?!

Does this spell the end for articles such as this piece calling for yoga to be taught in schools? It actually gave me a flashback to the time my PSHE teacher tried to make us meditate as part of an ill-advised "relaxation" session, which my friend Shaun and I failed to take seriously and ended up having to write sarcastic letters of apology to the teacher. "We are sorry we were too relaxed during Tuesday's meditation lesson..."

Or this article about nail beauty for children, which starts with the unbelievable sentence: "It’s the rare child—male or female, beauty-involved or beauty-indifferent, young or old—that isn’t delighted by a pedicure or manicure."

Admittedly, everything I know about kids could fit on a child's fingernail, but I'm sure children don't care about their nails. Why do you think they're always biting them? It's not for the taste. For a child, it's hard to imagine a worse day than a trip to a Beverley Hills manicurist, followed by an hour of yoga and then all back to Gwyneth's for a gluten-free dairy-free shepherd's pie. 

But gp lives in a bizarro world, and I might just find that I miss my weekly window into her organic cauliflower brain.

Here's Big D and the Kids Table.

Laughing Navy Types

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are three more of them.

I went to the cinema last night (Star Trek Beyond AKA Mission Impossible in space) and winced my way through another set of insipid adverts, three of which were...

1. 

To reiterate, this was before a Star Trek film. It doesn't exactly scream Starfleet.

2. 

Because nothing says sexy and sophisticated like Are You Being Served?

3.

#YouKnowItsSummerWhen McDonald's makes you feel sick outdoors.

Here's Donald Fagen:

Beer

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are three more of them.

I just went to the cinema (Elvis & Nixon - better than Batman v Superman) and accidentally sat through the adverts because TFL got me there on time, the bastards. These were 3 of the worst.

1. 

There were not 1 but 2 separate Coke adverts, in case there was any danger of going a whole day without seeing any Coca-Cola advertising. This one has something to do with football and intimidating night-time rallies. If my country ever does call, tell them I'm not home.

 2. 

All McDonald's adverts present a bizarre version of the "restaurant" that does not and has never existed. Personally speaking, I can't remember the last "good time" I had in a McDonald's... what year did they have Pocahontas toys in Happy Meals?

3.

If you're sick to death of twee fucking ads / and pray those smug arseholes are hit by a cab / or maybe dismembered by huger killer crabs... there's a beer for that.

Here's Reel Big Fish.

Mistress of the Salmon Salt

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is goop ((again) again).

It's time for another round-up of bullshit from everyone's favourite former actor, spiritual guide and pseudoscientist, who doesn't appear in the new Captain America movie as she and Tony Stark have consciously uncoupled.

A few years ago, it was reported that the company was hemorrhaging money (the same company that gave Gwyneth a £350,000 salary plus an interest-free loan of £29,200). Since then, every article has been a barely concealed advert. For instance, this piece about a $700 juicer, which opens with the line: "Mention at-home juicing to anyone who’s really tried it and the first thing that inevitably comes up is the nightmare of clean-up." Unless you put the lid down.

Next, goop helpfully provides some Mother's Day gift ideas, ranging from $650 slippers to a $10,500 bracelet (above). You know, for Mother's Day. 

Some of the other items in the goop shop include a $73 wooden spoon and 1oz of salt for $10 (left).

The bullshit continues with this enlightening piece about beauty companies who chant and play music to their skincare products. Why? I have no idea. But goop is convinced, inviting us to "consider the fact that people bless food all the time," as though that makes it anything other than certifiably insane. 

GP has form for this sort of thing, having previously championed the idea that being mean to water can affect its molecular structure. So it's not the first time her risible beliefs have landed her in hot water (sorry).

I'll leave you with Blue Öyster Cult. Try playing it to your exfoliating cream.

Our Shadows Taller Than Arseholes

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are three more of them... music edition!

1. The cunts suing Led Zeppelin for supposedly plagiarising Stairway to Heaven. All songs are based on other songs, and whatever Led Zeppelin took, they turned it into something new and set a new fucking standard in rock music. In any case, the people suing are the Spirit guitarist's family, so they had no creative involvement whatsoever. Trying to rinse money from a song that's brought so much joy to the world is just greedy, but doing so when you have literally nothing to do with it is pathetic. Mind you, I remember the Olympics when Jimmy Page was on that London bus with Leona Lewis, so I feel I'm owed some compensation too.

2. Jukebox musicals. It's a hack observation, but the idea of creating a show based entirely around someone else's songs strikes me as the height of laziness. I have no interest in seeing the songs of The Kinks sung by people who aren't The Kinks, strung together with a vague nod towards a story. I say this as someone who's sat through both The Commitments and Mamma Mia! During the latter, I preempted every song by saying "ooh, ABBA" in mock surprise. It was really funny. And then it wasn't. And then it was again. 

3. People who insist that music was best when they were young. What, you think it's just a massive coincidence that the best period of music happened to coincide with the time that your tastes were forming, or you were listening to the radio and watching Top of the Pops, or regularly buying the NME? It seems small-minded and arrogant to ignore the enormous history of music and buy into such an unlikely coincidence. Especially as the people in question generally grew up in the '90s. 

Plus Plus

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are three more of them. 

Adverts, that is.

1.

This bizarre corporate tie-in attempts to simultaneously advertise an airline and a horrible film, and fails drastically at both. Batman v Superman? Paint v the Drying Process.

2.

Now with added shitness. Call me cynical, but I don't want my bank being cute at me.

3.

There's something deeply depressing about this one. Maybe it's the awful advert music, or maybe it's the idea that we're doomed to live and die in cars like some wretched Ballardian nightmare.

Here's German funk band Poets of Rhythm!

A Toast

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is goop (again).

Welcome back to goop-watch, where I share some of the wisdom found in this week's Gospel according to Gwyneth.

The key to a great toast? Being friends with famous writers! 

This enlightening article on giving speeches begins: "We’ve all been there: Cringing through an endless, or obnoxious, or embarrassing, or inappropriate, or just plain self-absorbed toast." Though I'm pretty sure it was meant to say "Oscar speech."

Then Nurse Jackie alumna Liz Flahive gives some advice on making a speech, though if it's anything like Nurse Jackie it'll amount to starting strongly and soon petering out.

"Avocado toast will always be a diet essential."

The toast theme continues with a recipe for avocado toast. But not just any avocado toast. This avocado toast is "superpowered", so expect to see it in the next Iron Man film, sprinkled with Pepper Potts. Apparently, it will give you "great skin - inside & out." Whatever that means.

Join me next time on goop-watch for more crypto-fascist recipes. Until then, here's A Toast by Malcolm Middleton and David Shrigley, which really says it all.