First It Gwyneth Then It Taketh Away

My string of monthly blogs was recently broken when I managed to smash my laptop screen (that'll teach me to watch M. Night Shyamalan movies on YouTube), but I have to come out of hibernation to comment on one of my favourite subjects: Goop. 

The pseudoscience website where magicians are physicians has come in for a fair share of criticism lately, "fair" being the operative word. First, the medical community criticised the brand for recommending placing jade eggs in your vagina. Then NASA had to step in to address false claims made by Goop over so-called "energy stickers". Then last week, an advertising watchdog complained about the company's deceptive marketing. And those are just the tip of the lettuce.

Head-in-a-box actor Gwyneth Paltrow hit back at her critics yesterday, when she had this to say on her friend's podcast:

The website recently attacked OB/GYN and awesome Goop critic Dr Jen Gunter for swearing, but I guess it's ok when GP does it because she's paying them.

Anyway, Gwyneth thinks that when people call her out for disseminating misinformation it's "so deeply unfair," because apparently she's becoming the Donald Trump of... whatever the fuck it is she does. How dare you hold me to human standards of decency. Don't you know who I am? I was in Mortdecai.

She continues: "I wish that people would actually like read the article or do their homework." They're scientists. They have done their homework. Dr Jen Gunter? Done her homework. NASA? Done their homework. That's kind of the point. 

You know who hasn't done their homework? The shamans, spiritualists, medical mediums, dumpling enthusiasts, psychological astrologers, integrative structural specialists, pelvic floor authorities, herbalists and go-kart specialists who write for Goop. And yes, those are all taken from the website. I collect them on post-it notes and stick them on my computer at work. Because yes, I do like read the articles.

Paltrow, however, does not - at least according to her recent appearance on Jimmy Kimmel, where she admitted: “I don’t know what the fuck we talk about!” It's possible that she was joking. It's also possible that she wasn't, and that she has as much contempt for her audience as one might expect from someone who was in Mortdecai.

To Gwyneth Paltrow, a hypocrite is just some sort of healing stone you might put in your anus. It doesn't matter what Goop says, as long as the revenue and snake oil is flowing. There is no lie too big for Goop to print, no product too useless to flog, and no methods too low to do so. 

"Your work stands for itself," adds Paltrow. Who was in Mortdecai. 

Digging In Your Nails

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is goop (((again) again) again).

It was with mixed feelings, therefore, that I read last month's news that Oscar-winning pseudoscientist Gwyneth Paltrow was separating (though she'd probably call it "consciously uncoupling") from her crypto-fascist lifestyle website goop. 

On the one hand, this will likely result in less bullshit, and a reduction in the amount of bullshit in the world can only be a good thing. On the other hand, what am I going to blog about now?!

Does this spell the end for articles such as this piece calling for yoga to be taught in schools? It actually gave me a flashback to the time my PSHE teacher tried to make us meditate as part of an ill-advised "relaxation" session, which my friend Shaun and I failed to take seriously and ended up having to write sarcastic letters of apology to the teacher. "We are sorry we were too relaxed during Tuesday's meditation lesson..."

Or this article about nail beauty for children, which starts with the unbelievable sentence: "It’s the rare child—male or female, beauty-involved or beauty-indifferent, young or old—that isn’t delighted by a pedicure or manicure."

Admittedly, everything I know about kids could fit on a child's fingernail, but I'm sure children don't care about their nails. Why do you think they're always biting them? It's not for the taste. For a child, it's hard to imagine a worse day than a trip to a Beverley Hills manicurist, followed by an hour of yoga and then all back to Gwyneth's for a gluten-free dairy-free shepherd's pie. 

But gp lives in a bizarro world, and I might just find that I miss my weekly window into her organic cauliflower brain.

Here's Big D and the Kids Table.

Mistress of the Salmon Salt

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is goop ((again) again).

It's time for another round-up of bullshit from everyone's favourite former actor, spiritual guide and pseudoscientist, who doesn't appear in the new Captain America movie as she and Tony Stark have consciously uncoupled.

A few years ago, it was reported that the company was hemorrhaging money (the same company that gave Gwyneth a £350,000 salary plus an interest-free loan of £29,200). Since then, every article has been a barely concealed advert. For instance, this piece about a $700 juicer, which opens with the line: "Mention at-home juicing to anyone who’s really tried it and the first thing that inevitably comes up is the nightmare of clean-up." Unless you put the lid down.

Next, goop helpfully provides some Mother's Day gift ideas, ranging from $650 slippers to a $10,500 bracelet (above). You know, for Mother's Day. 

Some of the other items in the goop shop include a $73 wooden spoon and 1oz of salt for $10 (left).

The bullshit continues with this enlightening piece about beauty companies who chant and play music to their skincare products. Why? I have no idea. But goop is convinced, inviting us to "consider the fact that people bless food all the time," as though that makes it anything other than certifiably insane. 

GP has form for this sort of thing, having previously championed the idea that being mean to water can affect its molecular structure. So it's not the first time her risible beliefs have landed her in hot water (sorry).

I'll leave you with Blue Öyster Cult. Try playing it to your exfoliating cream.

A Toast

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is goop (again).

Welcome back to goop-watch, where I share some of the wisdom found in this week's Gospel according to Gwyneth.

The key to a great toast? Being friends with famous writers! 

This enlightening article on giving speeches begins: "We’ve all been there: Cringing through an endless, or obnoxious, or embarrassing, or inappropriate, or just plain self-absorbed toast." Though I'm pretty sure it was meant to say "Oscar speech."

Then Nurse Jackie alumna Liz Flahive gives some advice on making a speech, though if it's anything like Nurse Jackie it'll amount to starting strongly and soon petering out.

"Avocado toast will always be a diet essential."

The toast theme continues with a recipe for avocado toast. But not just any avocado toast. This avocado toast is "superpowered", so expect to see it in the next Iron Man film, sprinkled with Pepper Potts. Apparently, it will give you "great skin - inside & out." Whatever that means.

Join me next time on goop-watch for more crypto-fascist recipes. Until then, here's A Toast by Malcolm Middleton and David Shrigley, which really says it all.

Skinned

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is goop.

As you'll know if you follow me on twitter or in real life, I'm slightly obsessed with Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle website / Hollywood cult magazine, and thought I'd share with you a couple of the insights gleaned from this week's issue.

Drink stewed animal bones

According to goop, "bone broth is a magic superfood" - simply simmer your leftover animal bones for 36 hours and enjoy. This is actually one of many dietary habits that Hollywood A-listers share with the Texas Chain Saw family. 

According to Gwyneth's friends in the bone broth industry, "all the science isn't there yet" and "people who are concerned about lead poisoning from bone broth often point to a 2013 study that has several flaws." So that's reassuring.

Rub your skin with a dry brush

Scrubbing the body using "a soft but firm brush" not only stimulates the lymphatics, it also "sweeps away dead skin cells." I'd argue that the same is probably true of steel wool, but I thought Lymphatics was a character from Asterix, so what do I know?

They recommend brushes made from "medium soft cactus bristles", available for a mere $39 from the goop store - in so many ways a shop for pricks.

Join me next time on goop-watch for more terrifying tips. In the meantime, here's Blind Melon.