Skinned

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is goop.

As you'll know if you follow me on twitter or in real life, I'm slightly obsessed with Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle website / Hollywood cult magazine, and thought I'd share with you a couple of the insights gleaned from this week's issue.

Drink stewed animal bones

According to goop, "bone broth is a magic superfood" - simply simmer your leftover animal bones for 36 hours and enjoy. This is actually one of many dietary habits that Hollywood A-listers share with the Texas Chain Saw family. 

According to Gwyneth's friends in the bone broth industry, "all the science isn't there yet" and "people who are concerned about lead poisoning from bone broth often point to a 2013 study that has several flaws." So that's reassuring.

Rub your skin with a dry brush

Scrubbing the body using "a soft but firm brush" not only stimulates the lymphatics, it also "sweeps away dead skin cells." I'd argue that the same is probably true of steel wool, but I thought Lymphatics was a character from Asterix, so what do I know?

They recommend brushes made from "medium soft cactus bristles", available for a mere $39 from the goop store - in so many ways a shop for pricks.

Join me next time on goop-watch for more terrifying tips. In the meantime, here's Blind Melon. 

Album(s) of the Year

Headline of the year

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is 2015.

Everyone lying about not voting Conservative, the return of Coldplay, Terminator Genisys... but at least we've had some good music. Here, in no particular order, are my top 3 albums of 2015:

Sol Invictus - Faith No More

Faith No More's first album in 18 years did not disappoint. 10 great tracks showcasing the band's gloomy heavy riffs, odd time signatures and Mike Patton's incredible voice, which has lost none of it power - while his brilliant lyrics cover topics ranging from leprechauns to motherfuckers.

To Pimp a Butterfly - Kendrick Lamar

An album that's sure to top many people's lists, To Pimp a Butterfly is a game-changing hip-hop record - politically potent and musically challenging. Obama called the track How Much a Dollar Cost? his favourite song of the year. Too bad he also features on the new Coldplay album.

Division of Spoils - The Flatliners 

This one isn't really an album, it's a collection of b-sides and rarities - but it's my blog so fuck off. Get your own blog. Stretching from their ska/punk beginnings to their contemporary punk sound, the record compiles 23 superb tracks from Canada's finest export since William Shatner.

Christmas Shopping at the All Night Garage

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are three more of them.

Once a year is way too frequent for Christmas. They should make it every four years, like the World Cup or leap years. It would make Christmas feel more special, make me feel less angry, and (most importantly) reduce the number of horrible Christmas adverts. Here are three more awful ads, and some of the questions they raise.

Motorbike?

"The unexpected bank"? Isn't being "unexpected" quite bad for a bank? Isn't that what caused all this financial mess?

Then why do they taste like that?

Here's Joe Cornish's All Night Garage from Adam & Joe's Song Wars!

Our Swift Impending Fall

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are three more of them. 

3. Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans:

For me, these represent J. K. Rowling's inability to think through an idea. Why would wizards eat jelly beans that taste like vomit? Because they're magic? We muggles do have the technology to make sweets that taste like bogeys. Ask anyone who's had the pick 'n' mix at an Odeon. I believe the Harry Potter studio store even sells Every Flavour Beans, for a mere £35 per bean. We can make earwax flavour confectionary if we so choose. But we don't. Because that would be stupid. Mind you, Revels are inexplicably popular, so what do I know?

2. This sort of thing:

I've spent a lot of time wondering why my Facebook friends voluntarily "like" the most evil corporations. Masochism? Brainwashing? Demonic possession? But I think I've finally solved it: my Facebook friends are a bunch of cunts.

1. Taylor Swift:

It's not the music that bothers me (it is), it's the constant complaining about not getting paid enough. It's true that as the way we consume music changes, we need to make sure lesser-known musicians are getting their fair share. But when multi-millionaire popstrel Taylor Swift insists that "music should not be free", I can't help but feel it harming that cause. Meanwhile, bands like Radiohead are happy to give music away for free, because they know that it's both financially viable and artistically rewarding. Why is it that the only musicians moaning about money are the least creative musically? It's almost as though they only really care about money. Maybe that's unfair. Money and fame.

Thanks for reading, here's Would You Be Impressed by Streetlight Manifesto, quoted as saying (of their latest album): "Feel free to steal the shit out of it."

Selling Silly Putty Door to Door

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are three more of them. They're adverts, naturally.

3.

There's nothing worse than a beloved movie character being used to sell car insurance. What next? Yoda selling phones?

2. 

 

A few questions...

• "I've witnessed moments which are beyond any descriptive power." But aren't you supposed to be a journalist?
• Why are you praising Ronald Reagan for money?
• What are you doing in a fucking glasses advert?

1. 

 

This belief-defying advert is the ickiest thing I've seen since that Republican presidential debate. Who makes Audi's adverts? David Cronenberg?

I'll leave you with one of my favourite songs, Wilt by Blind Melon. 

In The Pit

As you know, I love everything in the world, with the exception of three things. One of those things that I love is live ska/punk albums.

Here, in no particular order, are my top five:

5. Mad Caddies - Live From Toronto: Songs in the Key of Eh

Not only is it a brilliant name for an album, Songs in the Key of Eh showcases the Mad Caddies' mad mix of swing, ska and sea shanties. There's no filler in this 2004 performance, released by Fat Wreck Chords - the independent punk label founded by NOFX frontman Fat Mike. The Californian seven-piece tear their way through punk, polka and pirate music. Why are the Caddies so good? Because they arrrrr.

4. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones - Live from the Middle East

Talking of great names for albums, Live from the Middle East was actually recorded at the Middle East club in Boston - home of the Bosstones, and therefore of skacore. It was the Mighty Mighty Bosstones who first fused Madness-style ska with the hardcore genre, and this 1998 live album plays out like a greatest-hits-so-far. The setlist is perfect, the energy extraordinary and Dicky Barrett sounds like a giant cigarette that's formed a ska band.

3. Reel Big Fish - Our Live Album Is Better Than Your Live Album

Another fantastic name, Our Live Album Is Better Than Your Live Album sees Reel Big Fish kick everyone's asses. Recorded in 2006, this double-album is really the ultimate expression of the ska/punk stalwarts' lunacy. The music is as tight and energetic as we've come to expect from these gatekeepers of third-wave ska, who really took the Bosstones' plaid sound and ran with it like headless chickens. It's also hilarious from start to finish - more schtick than you can shake a stick at!

2. Incontrolable - Ska-P

Like Reel Big Fish, Ska-P are a band with a zany image but incredibly skilful arrangements. But on top of that, the Spanish ska/punkers have a political edge, which surfaces throughout this relentlessly impressive live album. Recorded across Europe in 2004, Incontrolable exhibits the band's powerful brass-driven hard rock, their wonderful sense of humour and their anti-establishment social stance. Plus there's a cat driving a bus on the cover - what's not to love?

1. Sublime - Stand By Your Van

Another band crucial in popularising third-wave ska, Sublime's raw energy and musical ingenuity are sublimely represented on Stand By Your Van - a retrospective live album recorded between 1994 and 1996, when Bradley Nowell died of a heroin overdose. It may lack the ingenious production and sampling displayed on their albums, but for Sublime, a bass, guitar and drums are All You Need. Oh, and a dog. 

Price I Pay

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are three more of them. 

The worst thing about adverts is that they're everywhere. On the tube, at the cinema, during RuPaul's Drag Race... they're inescapable. Here are three more shitverts* (* thanks Charlie Brooker)

1. 

"You get what you pay for" is clearly a terrible slogan. It implies either high expense or low quality, neither of which you want associated with your product. Perhaps they realised, because the slogan has mysteriously disappeared from the advert...

2.

Lidl: it almost tastes the same as actual food! 

1.

Cortana: when Clean Bandit call, remind me to lie in front of a train.