Baby Please

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are three more of them.

3. Before I lived in London I had no idea public transport could instantaneously transform. I don't mean like Optimus Prime, I mean the way you can board a train on the underground only for it to completely change service while you're on it. The driver will make an announcement like: "When you boarded this train it was a Hammersmith and City line service to Barking, but now it's a Circle line service to Tower Hill. Sorry!" The other day I was told that my train to Hammersmith was going to stop at Moorgate and then go backwards. No other mode of transport could get away with that, and it's completely baffling from a metaphysical standpoint that something can change entirely what it is whilst in operation. "When you boarded this train it was a Piccadilly line service to Cockfosters, but now it's a shoe."

2. 

Yes, that is a magazine called Gurgle. With a title like that it's either a baby magazine or pornography, and I'm not sure which is worse. Actually of course I do, the baby magazine is far worse. "Top chef shares his baby recipes" boasts the cover, unclear whether it means recipes for cooking babies or recipes for baby food. Surely it can't be the latter, that would be insane. Why do we need a "top chef" telling us how to cook for babies?! They'll eat literally anything. Mush up their favourite toy and they'll wolf it down like a stoner eating pizza, the idiots.

Maybe this is just about me hating babies, but these magazines seem to be spawning faster than the stupid brats themselves. There are publications called Baby London and Baby Surrey, as if there's any difference between the two! I suppose this all serves me right for going to Waitrose. 

1. Dawn O'Porter. When presenter Dawn Porter married actor Chris O'Dowd, she changed her name to Dawn O'Porter. That's just worth remembering.



Here's Jurassic 5.

Sucker Train Blues

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is trains.

I know I've complained about trains before but the other day an incident cemented their place as the world's worst mode of transport, worse even than buses, Megatron and the truck from Duel. Ok maybe not worse than buses.

So I was standing on a train when a seat became free. I went to sit down on it but noticed someone else heading for it. He was considerably older than me, I'd guess around 60, so I stopped to let him take the seat because I am a nice boy. But upon sitting down, the man looked up at me and said: "Not fast enough!"

Now, he clearly hadn't realised that I'd let him take the seat. But that just makes it even worse train etiquette! You don't stick two fingers up at people who miss your bus, or piss on the taxi queue through the window of a cab. I would have no moral qualms about punching that old prick in his stupid old face. 

But obviously I didn't do or say anything, because as I mentioned I am a nice boy. But that means he still thinks he was actually faster than a young (nice) boy. I should have challenged him to a fucking foot race. But instead he'll believe he genuinely beat me to that seat until the day he dies. Which will be relatively soon, so that's some consolation.