Ghostwriter

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are three more of them.

3. My mum was telling me about her friend who sees ghosts - "She knew someone was going to die on a plane once." I challenged her use of the word "knew" from an epistemological standpoint, given that knowledge is a belief which is both true and justified. But intrigued by this obvious load of fucking nonsense, I asked what she meant. 

"She went on a plane and saw death, then later on the flight someone actually died." Apparently my mum's friend is the kid from Final Destination. So I asked what "death" looked like.

"Why does that matter?" my mum replied. Because she saw death! If someone told me they'd seen death, my first question would be, "oh really, what did it look like?" But obviously that hadn't occurred to my mum, whose first question had presumably been, "would you like another biscuit?"

2. Last night I was in a pub talking to a friend who happened to be wearing a hat. A girl came over and said, "can I wear your hat? It matches my dress!" It's always too late that you realise the perfect response, which would have been: "Can he wear your dress? It matches his hat!" or "No, go fuck yourself."

Anyway she proceeded to take the hat despite my friend's protests and put it on her head, at which point I snatched it off her. Why do idiots assume that a stranger wearing a hat is somehow an invitation to take it? It doesn't apply to other items of clothing, like socks or pants. And why do those same idiots assume that my having spiky hair is an invitation for them to touch it? And why do they take my being in a bar, or on a train, or on a bus, as an invitation for them to talk to me?

People moan about the rudeness of the English and their reluctance to talk to strangers but I completely embrace it. I don't want to talk to you unless I know you, and even then I'm not happy about it.

1. I was at the cinema (Only God Forgives, or as I call it, Only Interesting For About Half An Hour) and was constantly distracted by someone who was breathing so loudly that I could hear it from rows away. Breathing! The one thing we all absolutely have to do, all the time. If you can't manage breathing without it sounding like it's fucking killing you then how can you possibly handle life's tougher tasks, like eating or drinking.

Thanks for reading, here's the fantastic RJD2.

You Change the Channels and You Change Our Minds

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is adverts. Again. Again.

I'll stop complaining about them when they stop being so shit. I spend a lot of my time at the cinema, where I see the same handful of adverts blasted at me every time, before I finally get to watch Chernobyl Diaries and then go home thoroughly depressed.

So here are the 5 worst adverts currently shown at the cinema:

5. Sony Ericsson Xperia

Why the fuck would we want children to explain the workings of electronics to us in adverts? Children are idiots, famously. No, Jake Ryan (age 8), we DO know what's inside that device. Apparently Wes Anderson directed that advert, because that's what a Sony Ericsson ad needs; whimsy. Forced, desperate, tedious, irritating, crushing whimsy. Jake Ryan (age 8) probably got one of those phones for free as well, and would have tried to eat it or something. Ditto Wes Anderson.

4. Carling

Partly because of "British" being used as a selling point, but mainly because of the music; that kind of boring fucking guitar noise that sounds like it was written by someone who has never had fun in their life. I call it "Ad-Rock".

3. From the Red Carpet

These are on every time and the film in question changes disappointingly rarely; at the moment it's a particularly hateful one about Snow Shite and the Cuntsman. But this is the worst one that's on YouTube, and while not really an advert it deserves its place on this list. It's part film trailer, part M&Ms advert, all fucking awful. I've not wanted to inflict such graphic and twisted pain upon two colourful pieces of confectionary since Jedward. They also somehow managed to find the only human in the world who is less lifelike than the M&Ms. That said, it's quite fun to watch esteemed actors try desperately to talk up films that they know are absolute shit; "There's a lot of... humour." "It's very... big." "I think it's a very... brave directorial attempt by Madonna."

2. VW Polo

   

This would-be Christmas advert tries so hard to be emotionally manipulative that it ends up feeling weirdly creepy, and would be infinitely improved if the car burst into flames as she drives away at the very end. Also note the unrelentingly fucking dreary music and dad's swallowing-acting at 1:21.

1. University of Lincoln

Ok I admit it, I love this advert, just for the sarcastic pompousness and ridiculous grandeur. No offence Lincoln, but you're no Mars University. It looks like something from Brass Eye, and you just have to admire the audacity of getting that shown in cinemas. Fuck it, let's watch it again!

Thanks for reading, maybe next blog won't be about adverts, but I'm not promising anything... I'll leave you with the System of a Down song that the title of this blog comes from, enjoy!