You Dress Up For Farmageddon

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is this sanctimonious piece of smugfuckery.

You probably thought that Melanie Phillips wrote the most aggravating newspaper article recently, and, yeah, she did. But Jenna Woginrich's article, which was brought to my attention when Michael Legge got angry about it on his blog, is the one that has sparked genuine human emotion in me.

Woginrich stopped being vegetarian because she loves animals. "Don't you mean started being a vegetarian?" I hear you ask. Nope. "Don't you mean because she hates animals?" You continue. Nope. She loves animals so much, that not only did she start eating them again, but she farms them herself.

Her logic is basically that she loves animals, so to solve the problem of their being mistreated, she ethically farms her own. My response to this is, if you love animals, don't kill and eat them.

I get irrationally angry when I hear this fashionable, middle-class claim that battery farming is an infringement of the rights of animals, so people should only buy free range products. If you are going to give animals rights, give them the right to life. Otherwise whats the point? I know it is better for animals to be farmed uncaged, of course it is, but either way they're going to get eaten.

In a way I have more time for people who say animals have no rights at all. At least they're consistent. Unlike this claim that animals should have some rights, but not the biggie. It's as if the likes of Woginrich don't actually care about animals at all. I'm not saying they just do the free range thing because its The Guardian-friendly and generally groovy, without any genuine concern for animals at all. Oh wait, yes I am, that's exactly what I'm saying.

Woginrich's article is also infuriating because it contains bizarre phrases that make no fucking sense, such as:

For me, it took a return to carnivory to live out the ideals of vegetarianism. Food is a complicated religion.

Let's consider that for a second. I'll ignore the phrase "Food is a complicated religion" because it seems that's what she did as she wrote it. She claims that she returned to carnivory in order to fulfil "the ideals of vegetarianism." Now I'm no expert, I'm fairly new to vegetarianism, but I think, I think, the ideals of vegetarianism involve not eating meat. And, again I may be wrong, but I think carnivory involves eating meat. So she eats meat in order to live the life of not eating meat.

...

This sense of smug self-satisfaction that oozes out of Woginrich's article is sickening. She, like all the rich, middle-class people who sanctimoniously advocate free range produce as a great kindness to animals, looks down her nose at the people who can't afford free range and organic food, and also at vegetarians, the people who unlike her, genuinely give a shit about animals.

Woginrich has confused the notion of caring about animals with the notion of being a big cunt. She runs her own farm, and I think it takes a certain kind of person to personally kill an animal. Most meat eaters would probably feel uneasy about actually killing an animal themselves, and anyone who actually cares about animals in the slightest would never kill an animal, unless they were a vet or the animal was clearly suffering. To actually personally kill an animal to eat it takes someone with no care for animals.

A lot of the people who buy free range products probably don't even know what it means, they just heard something about it on Farming Today on Radio 4 and their friends Peter and Leslie are always talking about it and he works for The Observer and she's a landscape architect and they're coming round for dinner on Saturday and they always bring organic fennel and some hyacinths and their daughter Fiona didn't manage to get into Oxford so they had her spayed and their son Simon is going out with a black girl which is wonderful because it's such an insight into another culture because she's from somewhere in Africa called "Luton" and they saw a hilarious cartoon in the G2 about free range farming that made absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever.

Except Jenna Woginrich isn't middle class, or rich, or posh. She makes this clear by the article's headline: My beef isn't with beef... See what she's done there is, she's played on the double meaning of the word beef. It's very clever, as well as showing that she's colloquial and cool. Because as well as being a type of meat, beef means grievance. Did you know that? Beef. Grievance. You know, from about 2001. Beef. It's a pun. She's not posh, she knows the other meaning of the word beef. She's clearly at the forefront of underground youth culture. In the late 1990s. Beef.

Did Linda McCartney die for this? Does this justify Heather Mills ever being on our TV screens? No, nothing justifies that. So I'll leave you with the (slightly altered) words of the great philosopher Peter Singer: "All animals are equal. Except Jenna Woginrich. She's just a cunt."

The title of this blog is a clever (yes, it really is) wordplay on the song You Dress Up For Armageddon by The Hives, and I'll leave you with that song. Enjoy!

Walking Away/Talking Away

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and here are three of them. They are to do with walking, and talking. As the title suggests.

1. The most annoying thing about walking down the street is when people walk too slowly in front of you, right? Wrong. That is annoying, but not the most annoying thing. In fairness to the slow walkers in front of you, they can't see you. However, the people walking towards you can see you. That's why the most annoying thing about walking down the street is people walking towards you who don't move out of the way. You know, when you're walking along on your own, with a shopping bag full of shampoo and Diet Coke, and there are two people walking side by side towards you. The pavement is not wide enough for three people, so obviously they need to move into single file, just until they pass you. But do they? Do they fuck. They keep walking next to each other, forcing you to step into the road. Sound familiar? No? Maybe its just me. But it happens all the time. Even when its just one person walking towards me, and its obvious that one of us needs to change our trajectory, its always me. And I know stepping into the road isn't exactly risking my life, but its the sheer fucking arrogance of people assuming they own the pavement. They do not own the pavement. Unless they work for the council or something. But if everyone who does it works for the council then they're massively overstaffed. Oh, and its the same when people stand right in front of the doors when you're trying to get off a train.

2. When people say "joking!" after something thats obviously a joke. Try this as a rule: If you have to make clear that its a joke by saying "joking!" after it, its not worth saying. If its funny, people will understand that its a joke. If it sounds so much like a serious comment that it requires the word "joking!" after it, its probably not funny enough to say. If you jokingly call your friend a cunt or something, they'll understand that you're joking, without you having to spell it out. If they think you're being serious, then reassess your friendship.

3. The word "banter" used the way it is now. Fuck off.

I will leave you with the song that this blog is named after, Walking Away by the best band in the world, Streetlight Manifesto. Enjoy!

Too Bad The Things That Make You Mad Are My Favourite Things

As you know, I love everything in the world, with the exception of three things. Here are some things that I have loved in 2010.

In a few hours we will wave goodbye to the year 2010, like waving goodbye to a friend you don't really like. You hope they'll be hit by a car on their way home, but no, they'll be back. 2010 will be back. As 2011. So here is my Review Of The Year, my favourite things from the year that brought us a Tory Prime Minister. Like the friend you don't really like coming into your home and taking a shit on your floor. A smug, Etonian shit. David Cameron is a smug, Etonian shit.

Film

My favourite film this year was Inception. Except it really fucking wasn't. It was Four Lions. It was satirical and hilarious and clever, just as I've come to expect from writers Chris Morris, Jesse Armstrong, Sam Bain and Simon Blackwell.

Another great film of 2010 was Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, the perfect vehicle for Edgar Wright's unique comic-book style. Also, The Social Network was fantastic, due to Jesse Eisenberg's performance, Aaron Sorkin's screenplay and David Fincher's direction. Did I mention he directed Fight Club?

TV Comedy (UK)

The Trip was probably my favourite British comedy series this year, thanks to the playful, often painful, relationship between Rob Brydon and Steve Coogan. Coogan in particular was brilliant, constantly showing a subtle tragic undertone.

This was also present in the new web episodes of Alan Partridge, which featured the amazing Tim Key. Other UK comedy shows of 2010 worth mentioning include Him & Her, wonderfully written by Stefan Golaszewski from Cowards, and of course Peep Show which just keeps getting better.

TV Comedy (US)

Another show that just keeps getting better is 30 Rock, the new season of which cements it as my favourite US comedy of all time. The characters are perfect, the writing is perfect and the acting is perfect.

How I Met Your Mother continues to have its moments, but has definitely fallen in quality. It is still worth watching though, if just for Barney Stinson, one of the best comedy characters ever.

TV Drama

My favourite drama of 2010 was Shane Meadows' This Is England '86. Frighteningly realistic and gritty, the series featured some of the best acting and dialogue British TV has seen. It showed the BBC that yes, it was actually possible to make dramas without Gina McKee. You just use actors instead!

And the BBC responded brilliantly, with Jimmy McGovern's Accused. Accused was superbly made, with some amazing performances from Andy Serkis, Marc Warren and Mackenzie Crook.

I would talk about US drama too, like Dexter and Mad Men, but I've only seen the first two seasons of each, none from 2010. But both those shows are incredible.

Music

The best album of the year was Live. Breathe. Build. Believe. by The Skints. Its reggae, but edgier, and more complex than most of the genre. Every track is unbelievably good, and moves seamlessly from gentle and chilled-out to growling and angry, all the time retaining beautiful vocal harmonies and some of the best drumming I've ever heard. The Skints were also the best live band I saw all year, possibly ever.

This year I was also lucky enough to see Jamiroquai live, whose 2010 album Rock Dust Light Star saw a return to brilliant form for the funk legends. The title track ranks among the band's very best. It seems this year the key to a good album was a list of four words as the title.

Comedy

I saw a lot of comedy this year. A lot. So it's hard to pick a favourite live show, but I think mine was Tiernan Douieb's Littlest Things. It was warm and charming, and Tiernan Douieb is absolutely loveable, and most of all, extremely funny.

Other amazing comedy of 2010 included Richard Herring, Robin Ince, Josie Long, Stewart Lee, Tim Key, Andrew Collins, Mark Watson, The Penny Dreadfuls, Lee Mack, Gary Delaney and Tim Vine. Tim Vine's joke book is of course fantastic, as is Richard Herring's 2010 book How Not To Grow Up! which was genuinely moving, as well as being insightful and hilarious.

2010 also included All Day Edinburgh, an eight hour long benefit gig for Shelter, ran by Michael Legge, who is a genius. And believe me, I use that word all the time. It included some incredible acts, such as Colin Hoult, Chris Addison (from off the tele!) and The Trap, who I'd wanted to see for ages, thanks to their podcast, and they did not disappoint!

The Trap Sodcast continued to be hilarious in 2010, as did Precious Little Podcast and of course Collings and Herrin. I also began listening to The Gentleman's Review podcast this year, and I'm now hooked.

So that's my Review Of The Year! See, there was loads of great stuff in 2010. Inside TVs and the internet. And underneath pubs. This blog entry is named after the Incubus song Favorite Things, but that didn't come out this year, so instead I'll leave you with the song that this entire blog is named after, Mindless by The Skints. Did I mention that they're amazing? Enjoy.

Would You Like Lemon Or Lime With That Piece Of Advice Mister?

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is the ambiguity surrounding new institutionalism in political science.

But enough of that now, instead let's play: Agony Aunt To The Stars! I will be offering advice to some famous people, some of them fictional, by answering their letters! Also, apologies if I get some of the locations wrong. Let's crack on with our first letter!

>Jack Bauer

>Bristol, UK

Right now, terrorists are plotting to assassinate a Presidential candidate, my wife and daughter have been targeted, and people that I work with may be involved in both. I'm federal agent Jack Bauer, and today is the longest day of my life.

Well Jack, we've all felt that way at times! You're clearly working too hard, all that stress will be the death of you, hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Just relax, take some time for you. Some hard-earned Jack-time. Let other people do things for you for a change. Just slow down. Maybe have a nice, long, warm, relaxing bath.

>Rocky Balboa

>Boxing

Blhgorzxhorkasdkhjlgfjhfkldjkhladfskjldfskjldfshiuasplkgakjlafshiuasghjasdfgagajaaaaaaaaajhdsjhfgsjfsdhlshhluashjbs.

...

>Mel Gibson

>Mel-Gibsonville

I hate Jews!

You also hate black people!

>That boring cunt from Inception

>France, France

The moment's passed. Whatever I do I can't change this moment. I'm about to call out to them. They run away. If I'm ever going to see their faces I've gotta get back home. The real world.

No one cares.

So thanks for playing Agony Aunt To The Stars! Leave any letters from famous people as comments! The title of this blog is from the song Untutored Youth by The Hives. I'll leave you with their best video, Two Timing Touch And Broken Bones. Enjoy!

Club Nowhere

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is night clubs.

But instead of whinging about why clubbing is awful, I will be constructive, and offer some advice on how to make clubbing more fun.

I got a phone call from myself the other day, which went something like -

Hello

Who is this?

Its you

Me?

Yes, you're phoning yourself

How does that work?

Its a new app

Of course it is. What do you want?

I have a suggestion for your blog

The people are gone. They're all gone

...Well can I leave a message?

I hate you

I'll take that as a yes. The thing is, I hate night clubs-

Stop talking

-and I thought you could suggest some advice on making clubbing more fun

You're wasting your life

Hahaha

I'm not joking. Your death would bring an abundance of happiness to the world

I don't get that one

Is this phonecall being charged to me or you?

We're the same person

So, its a free O2 to O2 call then

So anyway, if you could do that for your next blog that'd be great

Leave me alone

Okay I better go anyway, byebye!

Don't go, you're all I have

...So here's the advice!!! My 3 tips on how to make night clubs more fun. (Or less of a soul-destroying box of emptiness.)

3. There are smoke-machines in night clubs. I like to stand near them and when they produce smoke, I pretend to suffocate and pass out. Its just for me. Try it! Do it every time smoke shoots out, it'll be funny every time. If you're feeling super committed, physically collapse onto the floor and lie still.

2. DJs are cunts aren't they? Last night I was in a club called Embrace, and at one point the DJ said "Embrace is on fire!" DJs do this a lot. Obviously I knew what he meant, but when DJs say the club "is on fire!", start screaming and running around panicking. This one's for everyone. If you're feeling super committed, pull a fire alarm.

1. Another thing DJs do is give 'shout-outs' to people, for example, "Shout-out to Laura, its her 19th birthday! Where's Laura?" At which point its hilarious, especially if you are male and clearly not Laura, to shout and wave. (It is also always funny if you are male to do the same when the DJ says "Any single ladies in tonight?") If you're feeling super committed, shout so loudly that you drown out Laura's own screaming. Really ruin that girl's birthday. And don't worry about feeling guilty, Laura is a terrible person. She once typed a Facebook status that had a grand total of 8 exclamation marks. She did then delete 4 of them before posting it, but if you think this makes her any less of a cunt then you are a far more forgiving person than myself.

So there are my 3 tips for making clubbing fun. Alternatively, stay at home.

This blog is named after a Blue Man Group song, so I'll leave you with a video of them, a different one to last time. This is them performing Drumbone. Enjoy!

Choking On A Piece Of Meat

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is being a vegetarian.

I've been a vegetarian for a month now, and I've come across three annoying things about it. I know some hardcore veggies will be reading this and thinking, "hah, only a month?! I've been meat-free since the womb. Try only bathing in lentils." So I don't mean to sound like I'm whining, I've just noticed these annoying things about being a vegetarian.

Firstly, there is so little choice for vegetarians. If I want to just grab a sandwich from a newsagent, I have to plough through hundreds of sandwiches all called things like "meat feast" and "meat lovers" and "prepare to meat your gator" and "BLT" and "BLTCRMCMLOMAB" before finally finding one called "cheese." Only to discover it went out of date in 1987. That's pretty much all thats left sandwich-wise, cheese. Luckily I like cheese, but if I didn't I'd have starved to death. I have a new found admiration for vegans. Here I am complaining about how little I can eat, when they have to forage in the woods to survive. Ethically-produced hats off to them.

Secondly, I am now paranoid about what I can and cannot eat. Every bite I take is laden with fear that there's some trace of meat in whatever I'm eating. Even if it says Suitable For Vegetarians on it, I still distrust it, as if that labels been stuck there by an evil farmer. What if there's meat in this glass of water? Or in this soya bean? Or in this bacon sandwich?

Finally, the stigma. I'm scared to tell people, it's like "coming out." In fact, I'm sure the response of most of my friends will be, "are you gay or something?"

Well I must stop typing now, my skinny vegetarian arms are aching (Yes they were skinny when I ate meat, I know), so I'll leave you with the song this blog is named after, by the brilliantly funky Poets Of Rhythm. (Except I can't find it on youtube, so here's another of their songs which still sticks to this blog's theme: Ham Gallery. Enjoy!)

See The Robot Write Up His Name On The Ballot

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is people who voted Republican in the mid-term US elections because they were disappointed by Obama.

I'll explain. As you know, the mid-term elections saw the Republicans take control of the House of Representatives, and the Democrats only just held on to the Senate. Now, a lot of the people who voted Republican did so because that's where they fall ideologically. I'm not going to talk about them. Let's just call them evil, and move on. They are evil. Moving on.

I heard that some people voted Republican because they were disappointed by President Obama. They were so hopeful about healthcare reform, and how radical it would be, that when it finally passed in its watered down form, they were so angry that it wasn't as far reaching as they hoped that they voted Republican in protest. I don't know if anyone did that. I really, really hope no one did.

Anyone who says its Obama's fault that healthcare wasn't as progressive as promised is fucking stupid, but anyone who voted Republican because of this is the cunt of the litter.

In the US, Congress is so powerful, business so powerful, and pharmaceutical companies so powerful that its impressive that Obama managed to pass any kind of healthcare reform bill. The President can't just click his fingers and magically pass any thing he wants. He's not the Prime Minister.

Guess how many Republicans voted in favour of healthcare reform? Did you say 3? Well you're wrong! It's NONE. If you hadn't noticed, they do not like healthcare reform. They are not fans of poor people having access to healthcare. So voting Republican because you don't think the healthcare bill is radical enough is the stupidest fucking thing you can do! Its their fault its not enough! And now Obama won't be able to pass anything progressive at all. And the Republicans will revoke the healthcare bill. And pass their right-wing legislation. Because you thought: I want left-leaning policy, but this left-leaning party isn't left-leaning enough... lets vote for a right-leaning party instead, just as they see a resurgence in conservatism and greed and racism. That'll help.

It's like if the We Love Animals Party was in power, and tried to pass a law that gave everyone a free dog or cat or hamster as a pet. But the opposition, the We Hate Animals Party, refuse to vote for it, so its moderated to just include a dog or a cat, not a hamster, and eventually it passes. Someone who loves animals, especially hamsters, thinks, "I love animals, especially hamsters, I'm annoyed that I can't have a free hamster, I'll vote for the We Hate Animals Party to show my annoyance." And the We Hate Animals Party come to power, and revoke the law so now you can't even have a dog or a cat, then burn all the hamsters in a big pile. And the voter goes "this is an outrage, how can you burn all the hamsters in a big pile?" And the We Hate Animals Party goes "We're called the We Hate Animals Party, the clue is in the name. You voted us in, remember?" And that's what the Tea Party do. They burn hamsters in a big pile. Do not shoot me Tea Party, I retract my comment. They do NOT burn hamsters. Only black people.

So that's the thorny issue of politics tackled! Next week I'll be ending the global problems of poverty, debt and Bono. If you liked this blog, please comment. If you are disappointed that it wasn't as radical as it could have been, please blow up the internet. The title of this blog is a lyric from the song Walk Idiot Walk by one of the greatest bands ever, The Hives. I'll leave you with that song.