Public Eye

There are only three things in the world that I hate, and one of them is the public.

More specifically, I hate the things that people think it's acceptable to do in public. You can't walk down the street without someone playing the piano, or trying to talk to you, or telling you to stop screaming. Here are three things it shouldn't be acceptable to do in public:

3. Eating sushi. I like nothing more than buying an espresso so I can pretend to be a giant drinking a regular cup of coffee. Ask anyone. But when you sit in public with your tiny food and your tiny chopsticks and your tiny fish-shaped soy sauce, you look unbelievably stupid. I know you think you look cool, the smug expression plastered all over your wasabi-stained face makes that painfully obvious. But believe me, the reason we're all staring is not out of admiration. People hate you. They're waiting for you to finish your ridiculous meal and sheepishly sneak into a garage for a pasty.

2. Watching films. Stop watching films on your phone. If Ang Lee had wanted Life of Pi to be watched on an HTC he'd have spent much less time on the tiger. 

But try telling that to the man I saw on the train who thought that was an acceptable thing to watch on his phone, happily insulting the work of every single person involved in the making of Life of Pi. Actually, that seems fair.

Stupider even than him is the man I saw reading the Metro on his iPad. People only read the Metro because it's free and it's there. If you've got an iPad connected to the internet, you can do almost anything. You can look at brilliant pictures of cats, or watch Fail compilations on YouTube, or enjoy some pornography. And what was he doing? 

Reading the Metro. Maybe there was an unmissable article about a man who eats slugs or something.

1. Being pregnant. I mean seriously, it's 2014. And yet, people still think it's acceptable to go out in public whilst being pregnant. Have some self-respect. You'd have thought the shame of getting pregnant in this day and age would be enough to drive anyone into the sewers with the rest of the brainless pond-life, but some of them actually seem proud of themselves. I've seen them, wearing their "Baby on Board" badges. So I'm supposed to give up my seat on the train for you, because you were too stupid to use protection like they teach you in school. You're so self-obsessed that you think the world needs someone else with your stupid genetics, even though it can barely hold the strain of the exploding population and your exploding ego. Not only do the rest of us have to suffer the long-term consequences of there being a tiny version of you running around a dying planet, you also expect us to stand up for you because you're so brilliantly impressive for failing to take precautions. But if anyone reading this is pregnant, congratulations etc.

Here's The JB Conspiracy.